Steal nothing, but they’ll think it was me every time they misplace something.

the election

Your heart

I’m taking all your phone chargers except that one you have to hold juuust right to work

The rotating plate in the microwave

The removal of one-third of the zipper teeth in every article of clothing you own from random places along the line.

A hairline portion of the bottom of your favorite shoes so that they now slowly wick up water from any surface you step on into your insoles.

Removing every groove on one out of seven items in your house that have screw caps.

If you have an office chair that has a gas cylinder for variable height adjustment, I steal half a millimeter of your gas cylinders gasket seal, making it so it slowly fails and sinks you every time you sit down for significant periods of time.

Stealing the wires out of your fridges internal light bulbs sockets.

Steal random bits of the fluff in your pillows so it becomes more uncomfortable.

Steal the mesh strainer for your kitchen drain.

If you have a water boiler where you live, Steal the small metal plate that protects the pilot light inside your water boiler from random gusts of wind.

Steal 1-2 links in the chain that connects the manual activated flushing lever on the exterior of the toilet tank to the flushing valve inside the toilet tank do there’s constant leaking water into the bowl.

Remove one of the screws to the door frame lock receptacle for the door knob mechanism so it occasionally mildly binds up attempts to open or close the door.

Steal the copper wires that feed specifically into the microwave generator part of the microwave so it does all the normal shit it’d supposed to do but doesn’t warm your food.

Steal from your second favorite set of shoes, the shoe laces off of one shoe and the tongue of the other shoe.

Steal enough fibers out of your tooth brush that all the bristles fall out the moment you use it.

If you have a car, either steal its air filter or the plastic tubing between your windshield wash fluid tank and your wipers.

If you wear baseball caps, Steal the back part of the hat that makes them size adjustable

If you wear glasses, Steal the plastic-rubber off of one of your nose pieces.

Power strips, but only if they’re behind heavy furniture.

USB charging cables.

Not your keys, but the ring the keys are on

Half of their junk drawer

1 from each pair of socks in their sock drawer.

The innards of various buttons. So like, the button cover is there, but they won’t click and they’ll have no spring to them.

All the chains from the toilet water reservoirs

all but one of each type of battery

Shoelaces.

Toilet seat.

The light bulb in the refrigerator.