Long yap, family issues, cringy simp stuff too
Several things happened. Obviously, my living situation, the job hunting shit, etc. have been a bother to me for a very long time, but even if those things were fine, I’d probably still not feel good right now. Two other things come to mind:
First: I lost my family entirely.
Though I, for a long time, have had a MAJORITY of my family members cut out, including grandparents, parents, etc. I still maintained contact with a maternal uncle, my older brother, and a cousin of mine.
Recently, I felt like I could not have brought myself to continue talking to these people, so I just blocked them and I refuse to talk to them ever again, and that was necessary.
I considered it for a bit because they can be quite depressing and misunderstanding of me a lot, but an interaction I had with my brother pushed me to just do it without hesitation. It went like this:
Sunday night, I decided to send a funny movie clip I like to my group chat, but it was real late. It was like maybe 11 PM or midnight. My brother responded to this by saying:
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t send me texts on a weekday night”
I was confused for several reasons.
- I understand how upsetting it can be to get interrupted, but why must it be my responsibility to use some special wizardry to know that this would’ve interrupted you? Mind you, this is the first time he’s ever complained about something like this.
- It’s not like this group chat is one that we usually only text in the case of extreme emergencies or things like that. We send casual, playful messages all the time, and this is not the first time I or even someone else sent a later text on a weekday night.
I responded by saying “Or you can turn off notification sounds. Avoiding distractions is your responsibility, and it’s not difficult to do.”
He responded the next day with this:
You’re right. I usually do, but sometimes I forget and find it annoying to be woken up at cause you wanted to post memes past midnight. I expressed my concern politely, but I don’t mind blocking you if it persists
Skill issue. And, by the way, that was passive-aggressive, not “polite.” It seems like he’s hiding behind the ambiguous tone that text messages can have to falsely frame that as a “polite response.” Also, you find it annoying and forget to turn off disruptions? Once again, sounds like a skill issue. Also, I didn’t necessarily mind adhering to his request, but if you’re aware that it could “persist,” then why don’t you take it in your own responsibility to make sure that you turn off distractions whenever you need them off? If you have that heightened awareness of not wanting this to happen, why can’t you have the heightened awareness to do what you can on your end to guarantee it not happening? It’s also odd to me that blocking is what he immediately jumped to… makes sense.
I responded with:
"Let’s be real, you didn’t express it politely. Saying “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t…” and then coming with the threat of blocking immediately isn’t polite, it’s obviously passive-aggressive.
I get that being woken up is annoying, but that’s not on me. You forgot to mute the group chat. That’s not my responsibility.
This is literally the first time you’ve brought this up, so don’t act like it’s a recurring issue or that I’ve ignored your boundaries before. I can’t guess what bothers you unless you tell me, and when you do, tone matters.
If you really feel the need to block me over a single midnight video clip, that’s on you. Do what you need to do, but don’t pretend I’m the one being unreasonable here.
And then he responded with:
Ok, I’ll be real with you. I didn’t threaten to block you until you dismissed my initial plea. I fail to see how my first message was passive aggressive, You perceived it that way, but that was not my intention.
“that’s not on me” Your text woke me up. It is on you. “that’s not my responsibility” it’s a courtesy.
“this is literally the first time you’ve brought this up” I’ve just been silent about it, It’s not the first time you’ve woken me up on a work day, and I have trouble going back to sleep." I can’t guess what bothers you unless you tell me" I did tell you, and I’m telling you again.
" If you feel the need to block me over a single midnight meme" I threatened to block you not because of the meme, but if you kept doing it after my request. I do believe you are being unreasonable"
First of all, you did threaten to block after I offered an obvious suggestion. It wasn’t even necessarily a “dismissal,” as much as it is the plain and truthful acknowledgement that there are ways you can easily handle this problem on your end. Being passive aggressive and acting like it’s some evil offense when this is the first time you’re complaining about it doesn’t change that simple fact.
Second of all, sure, my text woke you up, but once again, how was I supposed to be aware of the circumstances that your text didn’t wake you up? How was I supposed to be aware that you would have a problem like this if this is a first-time complaint? How was I supposed to be aware when I’m knowledgeable of the fact that phones have “Do Not Disturb” mechanisms that you can turn on and I’d assume easily that someone would use them if they were really sensitive to disturbances?
Also, you were just “silent about it,” but that’s the point. You were silent about it. I’m not saying it couldn’t have happened before, but the thing is: if you’re going to complain about something like this, being aggressive during a first time complaint is unreasonable. And if it really bothered you during other times, why did you only address it now?
I think you are undeniably the unreasonable one here. Apparently, this has bothered you multiple times yet you just were remaining radio silent whenever it happened until this one occasion, and not only did you respond with silence every other occasion, you apparently refused to take initiative to do what you have to do on your end to make sure it doesn’t happen again, like turning on Do Not Disturb.
So, I just said “If doubling down is the path forward, then you all can fuck off 👋🏿” and blocked all of them.
That’s the hill he chose to die on, and I’m not regretting it one bit.
Second: Anxiety about someone I’m in love with
Things have been going well with her, but I naturally always assume the worst. She’s read some of my messages but has not responded to them. Of course, this doesn’t necessarily mean the worst case scenario of, “Oh, she hates your guts now,” but I have a very pessimistic mind that is quick to catastrophize and assume the worst, especially when it comes to something so important.
I was in legit tears about this for a minute, but I calmed down. She seemed to like a comment I made after she read the text on a Palestine advocacy post of hers, so I take it it’s not ignoring me or thinking less of me… realistically (and I’m trying to think realistically, which I struggle with because I always assume the worst), she probably is just quite busy. She works in healthcare and does activism; I get how stressful it can be, and it’s not just for my sake—I would never want to do anything that makes her uncomfortable. She’s so precious to me and she’s such a wonderful person; it’d break me to cause any discomfort to her.
The alternative suggestion (if I had to force myself to be real hopeful): she did not respond because she wants to be able to respond when she’s in a different place, a different place emotionally, not preoccupied by the stressors of life and what’s going on in the world.
And for all I know… she’s touched by these messages (and she has been touched by other ones before). She is carrying that with her right now.
For all I know, she responded to it in a very positive way… just not digitally.
I can’t tell what’s going on in her life every single second obviously, but if I have to try to be positive, that is a possible explanation
As always, her boundaries must be respected. She is the most beautiful person in the world, and this may not be an easy moment for me, but at the end of the day, my deep romantic love for her can never be more important than her comfort.
It’d be paradoxical for me to state otherwise, as one of the reasons why I prioritize her comfort so much is that I just love her so deeply.
In good news, by the way, I just finished a remote job interview and I got one with a hospital job coming up soon. At least there’s that.
That’s totally fair, and I hear you. I don’t actually have an issue with being asked not to send late-night messages, and I would’ve respected that. The core issue for me wasn’t the boundary itself, but rather the tone and delivery, which read as passive aggressive and a bit accusatory for something that had never been brought up before.
In hindsight, I could’ve phrased my response better. I was trying to point out that it’s reasonable to manage your own phone settings if late-night texts are a problem, especially in a casual, non-emergency group chat. But I see how my message might’ve come off as dismissive of his feelings, and I don’t want to pretend I handled it perfectly.
That said, I still believe he escalated things unnecessarily and framed the situation in a way that lacked grace, understanding, and nuance. I don’t think it needed to become so dramatic over one meme.
I mean, I like to believe I wouldn’t respond like this to people I care about, but I definitely feel irrational and cranky sometimes when I’ve just been woken up. If this were a person who I value I think I’d give them benefit of the doubt and prioritize not escalating. I think if you had waited until he woke up later to express your annoyance the discussion may have gone better. Easily possible there is context in your relationship that’s not written here, but without that context this comes across as someone generally annoyed at being woken up and then getting annoyed with you personally only after that’s received as a personal attack. I think this is a situation where voicing your hurt right this instant is a show of disrespect, I can’t picture an outcome to it other than escalating. It upset you, you don’t and shouldn’t need to let it slide, but you should wait until after he wakes up to start that discussion.
I totally understand where you’re coming from, and I agree that people can be irrational when they’re tired or just woken up. But I think that same grace should be extended both ways. If his initial message came across as passive-aggressive and accusatory, especially when it was the first time he’d brought up this issue, then it’s not that surprising that I reacted with a bit of defensiveness. Just as tiredness might make someone snappy, being spoken to harshly, seemingly out of nowhere, can make someone feel attacked as well.
Also, you’re right to say that there’s probably more context at play. There is: my brother and I have a long history, especially from childhood, where he was often unkind and I was left feeling unheard by our parents. They’d brush it off with “That’s just how siblings are,” even when I was clearly struggling to the point of getting depressed. So when I’m faced with that same cold, dismissive tone from him now, it really seems reminiscent of that.
And just to clarify, the more aggressive escalation, i.e., the talk of blocking, didn’t even happen that same night. It came the next day, in the afternoon, when he had plenty of time to reflect and respond more calmly. Instead, he doubled down and took it to that next extreme. So yes, I acknowledge I could have handled my response better in the moment, but I also think he had the chance to de-escalate yet chose not to.
I did pick up on that, I just meant that I saw this as something where the likelihood he’s still annoyed the next day is increased a hundredfold by escalating it while he’s still half-asleep and cranky. I have a relationship in my life with someone with a temper and if I had this conversation with her she’d remain pissed the next day, but if I told her in the morning that I didn’t like the reaction I’d get a genuine apology. In the first case, if I was mad at her for still being pissed it would drag on. If neither of you are in a place where you’re capable of de-escalating, maybe it makes sense to take some time away from each other. Arguments don’t always have to be someone not doing their best, everyone has personality flaws that they’re not in full control of and sometimes those mesh really badly. I don’t think my friend chooses to have temper issues, even if it would be fair for me to react badly at times I value the relationship enough to not call her out when it would hurt our friendship to do so.
But yes, having a history will definitely affect the dynamic and what’s reasonable to expect, and often it’s impossible to convey that history in a small text summary.
Yes, and that time will be permanent no matter what.
Sorry, I just realized from the OP it’s very clear you’re venting and not seeking opinions. I read the top-level reply and lost track of the plot, wasn’t trying to condescend.
On one side he should have said “hey could you wait until morning to send stuff like that”, it’s silly to get that worked up over it and you’re completely right about it not being your responsibility when there’s no explicit expectations. On the other side, blocking him (and the others!) seems excessive, you could just say “I wish you’d told me this sooner instead of bottling it up and letting me get the wrong idea”.
IRL I am fairly well-known for being easy to get along with. What goes into that is a little bit of patience and a lot of giving people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes these can be strained. But lasting relationships cannot be sustained without restoring these two inputs, being able to return to good faith when someone has rubbed you the wrong way. From interacting with you for a while, it appears to me that you have some self-destructive tendencies (perhaps your brother does too, and they play off each other). A big part of your struggle is against them. I’m not going to say what you absolutely should or shouldn’t do, but I wanted to dissect this conflict for you a little bit.