It seems like, that the longer I am aware of me being trans I keep unlocking new forms of Dysphoria. I never really had any problems with my deadname, but now it does hurt a little bit when hearing it from other people, because im not officially out to them. Today I also realised that apparently I know hate seeing hairs on my arms, which was never a problem before. Hearing my voice also gets progressively worse. What the fuck is this? Why cant I not feel shittier as time goes on. I am on my way to transition, my body could decide to not make my life shit in the process.
I know exactly how you feel if that makes anything better… The closer to my imagined ideal I get, the bigger even little things seem to feel. Sometimes it’s hard looking at old pictures where you knew how good and feminine you felt when the picture was taken and seeing for example even the slightest shade of beard under the makeup that you didn’t even notice then… If anything that probably means you’re making progress, getting used to your new self and taking it as the new normal, so it becomes the new baseline for your brain, like getting used to sunlight after stepping outside from a dark room instead of a lit one. It’s all relative.