I used this little community as a pressure valve, a diary, a place to scream into the void and reorganize my thoughts, during the psychologically hardest period in my life: coming out and starting transition. I’m turning 40 this year so I’ve seen this many times before, where an account will come into existence, vent too much information, and then disappear without providing resolution, and I didn’t want to do that to y’all.

So before I fade away, here’s an update: it’s all going according to plan, or close enough anyway.

A quick recap so you don’t have to go read through my post history: I came out to my wife like 9 years ago, came out to my family 2 years ago, came out to my church 18 months ago, got kicked out of my church 9 months ago, at the same moment I started HRT.

Flipping back through this journal, here were my struggles and the resolution to each:

How can I possibly come out? Well, I came out. It was hard, but I sat down with all the people in my life who mattered to me, and let them know what I was going though. It strengthened some bonds and destroyed others, but on the other side of it, it’s good to know where I stand.

Is my marriage going to make it? Well, we made it. My wife and I were both willing and able to have the hard conversations, really open up and be honest with each other, sit down and talk with a marriage counselor, pray together, cry together, and at the other end of the last two years, our relationship is better than ever. In speaking with other people in this community, not every relationship can, or even should, survive transition, but if you are both willing to be open and honest, and are committed to each other, it might just work.

Can I gain acceptance at church? Well my faith made it. That wasn’t really ever a question, God’s got me and won’t let go, I can’t wriggle my way out of His grasp. But my church of 20 years kicked me out. I talked with the pastor, openly and honestly, for a year about my struggles, and I thought I was making progress, creating a shared foundational knowledge of my experience and how it intersects with Christianity, but I told my pastor that I was starting HRT and I immediately was thrown out. The excommunication letter I got made it clear that he hasn’t listened for the last year. So we found another church, one that didn’t flinch when non passing me showed up with my wife and kids and introduced myself with a feminine name, but actually preaches the Word of God and not some monotheistic therapeutic deisim. So yeah, I gained acceptance at church, just a different church.

Can I accept myself? Well… I’m working on it. I’ve accepted I’m trans, accepted I don’t know why, accepted my past and left my regrets there, accepted that I might not ever pass but I’m so much happier here than I ever was before, accepted that my faith and my gender aren’t at odds, accepted that not everyone is going to accept me, and I’ve accepted that I don’t have to light myself on fire to keep everyone else warm. HRT is amazing and my only regret is not starting it earlier, but I’ve named that regret and left her in the past. Who knew you could just be comfortable in your own body? I’m learning makeup and learning to interact with society instead of hiding in the back because I hated myself. I’m navigating reality with my wife and kids, in a unconventional way. I’m out everywhere but work, but that’s a whole different can of worms, since I work for the feds but they suck, but pay well, but the market sucks, so I’ll take a paycheck from evil while refusing to do evil myself. But I’m done waiting, so instead of prioritizing boymoding at work, I’m transitioning and they can have some plausible deniability if they’d like.

So in short, it was a hard couple of years, and it’s not over, but my best years are before me and I’m gonna go live life to the fullest. Thanks for being a friendly place to blog my transition, I might be less and less active here now that I don’t need as much digital help, but I’m plugging into real life now.

Oh and my wife renamed me, I was probabaly Amber, but it’s Hazel now, I’m a child of God, transfem, she/her, husband/dad, and I made it.

Go throw bricks at ICE.