Yeah…so 20 years as a Firefighter, and I can tell you that you absolutely do not want to be an object of fetishization. Many vapid empty sexual encounters with people who I thought loved me, but only loved the fantasy of me and my job. It’s utterly soul crushing when you are disposed of for the latest fetish or interest.

It’s an empty and hollow sort of attention though. I’ve had friends in the past where it felt like I was entirely invisible because they just couldn’t see me. And maybe that’s because I’m not good at being comfortable in a crowd enough to be myself (which itself stems from a lack of self confidence). It’s kind of a self-perpetuating issue. People (namely therapists) keep telling me to journal, but that hasn’t seemed to help at all, though it might help you if you haven’t been suggested that before. Idk it’s rough out there and it’s hard to hold on to hope without feeling like you’re just tossing coins into a fountain. Depression is a fucker and it will convince you that you’ve never been happy before and you’ll never be happy again, but if you start to treat yourself with the love and grace you deserve, things have to start clearing up, right?