Trying to get some input for someone else. Was thinking of upskilling, finding a group, developing a hobby, guided activities. Any ideas?
I stopped being an awkward teen by simply getting older and becoming an awkward adult.
You get older and stop caring all the time what people think and it starts to get easier.
My first stepping stone was when nobody in my group wanted to ask for napkins when we were out eating. Which is silly, so I stepped up and ask for it because my mouth and fingers are messy. Ok the other thing is we were in a foreign country and our mastery of the language wasn’t great and everyone was shy.
That’s when I realize that random people thinking of me like some kind of weirdo doesn’t matter because it’s almost guaranteed I will never meet them again.
If I need to integrate with a group sooner or later, that’s when I lurk and just sit in with a few people, listen and add in anything
I realize that last part is hard for a lot of people and I really don’t have anything I can offer how to overcome the awkward feeling but I believe you can do it.
It’s very true, though. I think we all deep down want to say the right things or be the star of the show, but sometimes we learn much more just by sitting, observing and waiting to say something that adds to the conversation, instead of just talking about nothing.
We’re social primates. Caring what other people think is hardcoded into us, and it’s not something you can just choose to stop caring about.
As people get older they just get better at tolerating that uncomfortable feeling and accepting that you can’t please everyone. It’s not that people like that don’t care - they do - they just do it anyway. Caring isn’t the issue, but when it starts affecting your behavior it might become one.
That’s not quite true. It is also built into us to not care about certain people. While what you say is true about our in-group, it’s not true about the out-group. So what you can actually do is mentally identify certain people as not belonging to your group, and then you can actually not care about what they think.
Throughout most of human history, the only people you even knew about were those in your tribe and your neighboring tribe. Whether they were friends or enemies, you still very much cared what they thought about you.
The fact that we now have people in our lives we don’t need to care about is a modern luxury that our evolution hasn’t caught up with.
I stand behind everything I said: we care, and when we think we don’t care is when we especially care.
Research disagrees with you, humans are very much capable of not caring about certain people. Also, I’m glad you never had to experience what people truly not caring is like.
I’d like to see that research if you wouldn’t mind linking it.
Throughout most of human history, the only people you even knew about were those in your tribe and your neighboring tribe. Whether they were friends or enemies, you still very much cared what they thought about you.
This sounds like some anthropology shower thought I’m not sure I’d hang a theory on.
That’s a very easy way to dismiss an idea without actually engaging with it. Could you explain what specifically you think is wrong with it, or offer a better alternative explanation? Otherwise it just comes across as ‘I don’t like the sound of this.’
It’s really overly simple and makes a lot of assumptions. We only knew people in our immediate area ergo empathy is part of our hardcoded biology. Is there any research backing it up?
Five-Year Olds, but Not Chimpanzees, Attempt to Manage Their Reputations, Jan Engelmann, 2012
Reputation and Socio-Ecology in Humans, Angelo Romano, 2021
Nobody’s watching? Subtle cues affect generosity in, Haley, Fessler, 2005
I can link you more after you’re done with these. It’s a highly studied subject and I’m sure you could’ve just googled all this by yourself too.
I’ve gone up and down throughout my life, and these days I am quite an awkward individual in person.
However, what worked for me in my early 20s when I was probably at my most sociable was finding a hobby to interact with people in. Even something as simple as a monthly book group can work wonders on your social skills
From your perspective, is it easier to let them figure it out, or for me to try to participate also, then ease up when they find some momentum?
I think it has to depend on a person by person basis. For example, I have to be left for me to figure it out, if anyone else tries to get involved then I guarantee I will be burnt out after a day and then just give up for a while.
Others may benefit from the help and guidance, but not all of us unfortunately 😔
Yup. Im like you in that regard.
I didn’t. I’m still awkward. But that hasn’t stopped me from living my life.
By becoming an awkward adult
I was at a party with my parents one day celebrating our national day. I decided right there that I was going to talk to someone and I started up a conversation with an old gentleman which I was able to carry for a good long time. From then on, every time I was at a social event with people I didn’t know, I talked to at least one person.
Then when I was able to drink, I’d stop in at a bar and strike up conversation with random people. Alcohol helped a lot.
Alcohol is the Great Social Lubricant. There a lots of activities that allow for some responsible drinking while having fun with friends or new people, like student associations, sport teams, Renaissance fairs, concerts, house parties, etc. Just get a drink and go talk to people. You’ll probably do some stupid stuff as well, but at least that makes for good stories.
Get a job where you deal with the public.
You’ll get paid and you will learn quickly.
I read a book about autism
I had an autism diagnosis. I found a friend with even more autism through school. Thats kinda it
Sinking into depression
I took estrogen and everything worked itself out from there~
Seriously though, there were a few factors. It was a combinations of building up my confidence (that’s how estrogen helped, turns out when you stop hating your body and life, you get more confident) and actively constructing situations that allowed me to connect and build relationships with people. I started a book club as a not so subtle way to get people in a room and talking to me, I reached out to people to have them round for dinner, I put a lot of effort into being thoughtful and kind. Developing a variety of hobbies and interests means I have plenty to talk about and lots to fill my time when I’m not doing that - a creative hobby is especially great for that.
Thats great! Thanks for sharing. Trying to show him that skills are like tools - the more collect, the more you have, and the more likely it will be that suddenly it seems you have a tool for everything, and people either start thinking youre a genius, or start to take advantage of you. Difference is, having the tools means you can choose.
In my opinion, it’s not about trying to prove you’re a genius, the key is that confidence and passion is infectious - people want to be around interesting people who are interested in them. Being skilled and well-read, as well as having hobbies lets you engage competently in deep conversation and have interesting qualities you can connect over or other people can grab on to.
Covid gave a lot of time to think and lots of time to reflect…especially also finding out im Bi and then meeting the diverse ppl helped a lot
I did a horrible and dangerous job for 2 years while undergoing the most intensive psychotherapy that exists. It improved my social skills, developed a skillset that’s rare and highly valued in my chosen field, and completely recalibrated my sense of hardship.
This is what i did for my own journey. Trying to find the angle how to encourage him to try it for himself.
I learned how not to be awkward with experience. I paid attention to what people thought was awkward, got a feel for it, generalized, and tried to avoid it. It’s all practice.
This is great. But he hasnt yet recognised that it might be his behavior that is pushing people away.
finding a group wont stick unless you have a level of cohesion, which takes you being comfortable. I agree with your thoughts that can be via a study/hobby/shared interest. But a big bonus of this is your happiness.
Figure what makes you happy, this is not things…this is something that makes you feel peacefull, fullfilled, excited to be part of.
Use your comfort routines, but not to a detriment. Hiding is a comfort but not helpful to the end goal. Test the boundaries of being around people, practice small breathing techniques. There are lots of others just like you doing the same thing despite appearances.
Likewise there is always an arsehole. Everywhere, there is one at school, one at work, one on your street. Learning to spot them and live with them is uncomfy but is a good skill lifelong.
As others have said learning not give a fuck about what people think of you is liberating, however its also a balance as friendships need cultivating, this is part of routine, they are not just a need them when you need them thing.
Good luck, trying is the first step. I hope happiness finds you, and wraps you up.
