i’m sorry about that. i often get resentful whenever i’m lonely for a while but i try to just think about what i like about myself, try to do anything to at least dampen the feelings even though it’s completely fair to feel miserable. we are not built for isolation, it’s not the way to live, and so to survive, when i was at my lowest, i would just occupy my brain with whatever to keep myself from sinking into self-hate, and i feel no shame or guilt. there’s no such thing as a bad reason to push forward, and there’s no shame in trying to survive and trying to drum up a desire to live. the fact of the matter is there’s just so much time nowadays where you end up lonely. i’m not gonna fault myself for the resulting anger, desolation, depression i may fall into, because. as i said, we’re social animals. our society is not very good for most humans at the moment, and having to simply try to grow around a feeling of isolation is not the solution, but it’s also something i’ve had to consign myself to.

i’ve been on the receiving end of being one of the only nodes in someone’s support system and it fucking hurts and it is not fair to them, (and i’ve also been on the other side, feeling as if i had noone to rely on but a few people), and i’ve been the person who has to leave, and i’ve been the person who’s been left. it is what it is, you will be distraught when you are losing contact, even if you cognitively know they have their own lives. the only thing you can do sometimes is be alone, because you can’t grip on and force someone to stay with you (even though people will come into your life, and there’s actually no reality save imprisonment that will force you into a life of eternal solitude, there’s always going to be an end to loneliness), and as such you just try to keep your head above water by any means you can. people will come back into your life, people similar to you exist and you’re not doomed to be lonely and miserable, but those meantimes where you are lonely fucking blow, don’t they? (especially if you’re neurodivergent but that’s another thing.). so i try to think about the person i’m stuck with and who is always with me (me) and i try to focus on what i like about her, what she can do to make my life easier, what she can do to make me happier. whatever that entails.

I keep wishing that I never existed, but I know that some things would be worse off without me and I would piss a lot of people off if I did something to disappear prematurely.

the language of ‘piss off’ makes me sad, don’t be apologetic. now, the verbiage of disappear prematurely is alarming but i’m going to hope you just meant ‘off the net’ and not something more severe. solitude is hard. solitude and isolation are also not what we were built for, not like this, but the difficult part is sometimes you just have to deal. i remember you posted once after black history month glumly and apologetically that you didn’t post enough here during this month. please stop imagining you have an obligation to anyone here, you should be posting for fun. and if the difficult part is lack of interaction, well, again, that sucks, but just know people see you and appreciate your articles, and if not that, i really hope you come to appreciate yourself on your own.

things will get better. on a global scale, surely, we inevitably move towards a better future. but our lives are short and our minds have to grapple with the fight of going day by day and it really is hard so i know that is hollow coming from someone that really doesn’t live your life. i hope things get better in your day to day life, truly. if comrades here aren’t active or you can’t talk to them, i always feel comforted by the bit that i’m slightly seen here, on such a small forum of likeminded people. and i’ve always seen your posts, and i’ve always thought you were a person with a sharp mind and a good sense of right and wrong. i don’t know if that means much, but i just hope you know that. there’s so many people you see and don’t express gratitude for early enough, but i wanted to say that. i’m certain many others feel the same. in the meantime, just try to reflect on what you do alone that makes you happy, what pasttime you might miss out on. drawing? writing? listening to music? maybe you should also try to join another lemmy instance that’s less political and small as this. maybe even tumblr (im sobbing but that’s like one of the only social medias where i found regular connection) i hope your day goes well, anarcho-bolshevik