I havent come out as trans at work yet but the looks i got the day i shaved my beard was wild. I instantly lost atleast 3 years and looked way more feminine with just that. I believe people are suspicious but I just pretend like nothing 😅

Unironically this happened to me after like two months of coming out as trans, god damn tarot cards.

Woke up and realized I missed the most important part;

I already have longer hair than Steve 🙂‍↕️❤️

I truly have become the thing I swore to destroy. Thank you ❤️

I will have to look that one up then! Hopefully it can give me some of that ❤️

Reading through all the comments, and theyre all very beautiful and helpful. But yours made me tear up. Thank you ❤️

Im really gonna put in an effort. If I let all the smoke screens fade I know what I want. Theres so much clutter in my head telling me to stop, wait, be afraid, do this, explain that, etc etc.

When, it at really doesnt matter. Does it? I just have to put myself in front for once. If there were no walls I know what I would do. If there was no outside to confront or deal with I know I would have started HRT years ago. Maybe its time I actually let myself do that.

Maybe its time i put Nina in front instead of hiding behind the weird meatshield of a shell I figured I would need to catch all the shrapnel on. Maybe it was all so scary because I figured id need to deal with everything as a shell first, and that was too much. But that shell doesnt need to be hollow. Thank you for helping me realize this. Taking thing as I go is most likely the way forward.

Thank you, really ❤️

First of all, wow, truly a feat, writing all that on mobile. Im afraid I wont have it in me to write an equally long essay in response ❤️

Secondly, I do resonate with this alot. Reading this all I come to conclusion ive come to before. Thank you for reminding me of them ❤️

I think I might have gotten really hung up on the “what if im not a woman?” part (ironically, since any labels are the least of my worries). I know that the minor things i started to notice made me feel good. Knowing my experiment did something made me happy. Knowing i didnt feel bad/uncomfortable/“wrong” on HRT made me happy. I was worried about presenting femme because i was afraid of not being seen as a woman. In hindsight maybe I shouldve just waited with that, but im happy i did it because i did get to wear all of the nice clothes i brought 😅❤️

The depression worries stems from last year. I thought i was over my exhaustion/burnout period (which I was talking to a therapist for) but it turns out ending vacation, quitting HRT, going back to my full-time office job and awaiting an ADHD and Autism diagnosis might not be the best combination of events to handle simultaneously. I have noticed very clearly my motivation has dropped significantly after stopping. Self-care really plummeted along side that and I think thats also contributing to the lows.

I guess I hoped for a more clearly defined answer than I got from my test and kinda freaked out when I couldnt figure more out and at the same time just went deeper into my hole.

But I think youre right, if I felt better on estrogen than without it why should I stop taking it? I know im hyped for all of the physical and mental changes HRT provides. I know I want them. I might be somewhat worried about the fertility issue but we kinda had a bleak outlook on that to begin with so it definitely isnt a dealbreaker, although I will look into to sperm banking to see if its even feasible.

I dont really know what more to put into words here. Thank you very much for your comment. I will return to this whenever I need to cheer myself up ❤️

Hii! Im happy for you! You can join the swedish discord community if you want! You’ll find it 🙂‍↕️❤️

Trans person here, i was confused for 13 years. Gender traps are the purest form of evil.

Temporarily stopped HRT right as i went back to work from vacation and its been really draining. I’ve been really tired and exhausted. But I also somewhat feel like the flat, grey, mental state has returned so its not too hard to just push on.

My partners mother literally said “well there were signs” when they told her i was trans. I am still so confused as to what she meant with this.

All bodies are beautiful! So is yours! Very brave post. I just get so happy every time i see people in this community besting their fears! We all have our own demons and its amazing seeing people fight their battles in all ages, shapes and sizes, keep going strong, sending love and support ❤️

Hello, late reply but im just curious as to what you meant by 2-0-2 etc? Im assuming you refer to dosage per location.

Ive looked into scrotal application and actually did start with that. Will report back on the effects in a couple of weeks. It is kind of a mess though since its alot of gel for a not very big area.

So far no immediate downsides or side effects atleast. If i feel better or just not bad after a while I will probably contact private care and get proper care from there. Time will tell.

I dont know if speed of physical changes is very important right now for me. Its more a test for my mental state and to see whether it is something I want to commit to?

Ive read up a bit on HRT in multiple forms of intake but im really just afraid to not feel better I guess?

Sorry but went a bit off-topic/vent here.

I mean, not to get too depressive, but the thought of death never really scared me. It was just “part of the process” like everything else. Thats about the depths of how little “me” was present in life. I had no autonomy or self because there just wasnt any me to care for? Ive never cared for eating healthy, improving my looks (clothing or hitting the gym), not because ive ever been self-destructive but because it didnt give me anything of “value” for me. What was expected for me there was of no interest to me. I studied whatever let me put least effort while still being enjoyable, as long as it wasnt questioned of was within the expectations on me. I always “toughed it out” if things got hard because thats what was expected of me. I never cared for myself because there never was a self. I found glimpses here and there but shrugged it off as, once again, being a weirdo or just not “vanilla”. I ended up following that though and the trans journey has brought a lot of “life”/“self” back. And im afraid id lose what ive been able to feel if i cant self-accept. Which leads me to HRT, but self-accepting feels like it should come first, which makes this feel wrong in some way.

I dont really know what i feel, i havent really felt before, maybe an odd thing to say, but ive always valued others emotions way higher than my own. My emotions feel so… fake (?). I read the blog post about indirect gender dysphoria and I tick almost everything off. But since i feel like such a plastic version of a human being its hard to judge whether or not anything is right. On that path it feels like this is the right move.

I dont know where im going with this. Maybe its time to go to sleep. Sorry for the 3am rambles. I hope its atleast somewhat coherent as to explain where my brain is.

Very sweet of you, i hadnt thought about it that way but I will keep it in mind! ❤️

As soon as I shaved and got some more forming clothes i did start to like myself more. I think the only physical aspect im currently struggling with is my beard growth, but im looking in to laser for that.

Ofcourse im hyped for all the physical changes that come with E but right now my short-term enemy (apart from the brain goblin) is my beard and voice ❤️

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Dont have time to reply to everything right now but will get around to it tonight. Just wanted to respond to the continuity and resources at hand. I think that will be fine. I have savings to cover private care and thats way faster to start here from what ive heard. Im thinking I might just start with what I have to see how I feel and then get into private care.

I only have the gel now, no antiandrogens, and I could whip out 160€ ish to get bloodwork. It seems like the friend I got this from will be reliable for the time to come. We might meet again this winter and either way they could just send me more since they still get it from their doctor on recipe while doing DIY. But i have no power over what happened there. Although there are other sources for DIY available from what ive heard.

Wait, thats an actual feeling? Like physical? Im only 3 months since cracking my egg and havent started HRT yet. But its reading things like this that make me realize how disassociated ive really been from myself all this time…

Walked my first pride parade and it was incredible. Unfortunate circumstances kept me a bit low energy and zoned out but I had a lovely time. My partner made my makeup and I got to borrow their leather jacket. For the first time I thought I looked hot (which later also lead to a giga-affirming comment from my friend who just said the same thing ❤️🙂‍↕️).

For the first time I felt like I could be me in public, just walking by as “another girl”, and it was amazing. Nobody questioned it. Nobody raised an eye. After the parade we grabbed some lunch and some kids looked at me at the restuarant. Two little girls, the boy just ignored me. Not a weird look, more that of awe of seeing someone really pretty. Afterwards we grabbed a beer and both the cashier and the guy serving us were equally surprised when they heard my voice 😂

All in all, amazing day today, so happy with everything ❤️

Brain always finds a way to say “we’re not ready for HRT” 🙃