I just cant do it anymore. I couldnt handle being trans and the processes involved in transitioning before when it was tolerated and now that it puts a huge target on me its impossible. I know people will chime in about “living in defiance” of all these people but Im just not that confrontational a person. I used to have dreams of being a writer/director but my creativity/talent is at least 90% gone. Im just a 33 soon to be 34 year old Uber driver who lives at home with no real career prospects and I just dont have much to live for. Yeah my family will be sad but they have full lives outside of me. In 2019 I wrote out a list of things I want to do before suicide because I had a pretty good idea what was coming and it helped me feel way more focused and at peace. I threw it away after I thought estranging myself from my family would make me want to live. My best friend killed himself Jan 15 2020 and im so jealous of his timing. I wish I could make a new list with a target suicide date of 2026-27 but nothing even excites me enough anymore to add to it. Ive attempted once so I cant really get a firearm so when the time comes Ill probably have to hang myself somewhere. Im worried I wont pick a good spot like whatever i attach the rope to might break or I might get discovered. I suppose I could try car in the garage when my parents are on vacation but I drive a Prius and I worry it would take too long.