Online dating is a scam. They intentionally gate content in a way that keeps men paying, forever. They have no incentive to actually help you be successful, because then you’ll stop using their app.

Like other people said, the path to success is meeting real people doing real hobbies. Do a sports team, or cooking class, learn a language, or if you’re feeling really brave join a kink group. People are out there, if you find them the traditional way.

These apps are designed to literally put you in this position, they erode your self esteem intentionally so that you spend money on their platform.

So first of all, none of this is a reflection of you as a person; it’s a malevolent act by a corporation that you’re victim of.

My advice is to find someone through mutual interest, personally my goal this year was to get healthier so I’ve picked up a few activities to keep me fit; rock-climbing gym, community gardening/permaculture, boxing and archery.

I’ve met some lovely people through these activities, and bonding over a mutual interest gives you time to weigh up whether a romantic interest would work or not. There’s also the potential to be set up/hit it off with a friend of theirs if they think you’re a catch.

Work on yourself, love. Be confident and just BE AROUND. Get some hobbies, get outside, let single ladies SEE what a catch you are!

Be clean, smell good, dress like you got a job, be confident in the fact you are a decent person and are happy to just be you. You WILL be noticed. Even if no lady strikes up convo, you’ll catch some eyes. Then if those eyes spot you again, maybe you’ll notice. Confidence! You got lots to offer in a relationship and if you don’t maybe work on you first. How you feel is tantamount.

Let me give you some advice.

Real women mostly don’t log in to dating apps every day. It’s a once in a while thing.

So, if someone likes you within 24 hours of your account going up, it’s simply most likely a fake account. Not always, but most likely.

This doesn’t mean you’ll never get real likes. But they’ll probably not occur in the first 24 hours.

I don’t know why being a POC would affect this. I think it’s pretty standard.

Find a hobby that can be enjoyed in person. Find a hobbyist group that meets up. Ignore Internet dating. Make friends. Possibly be introduced to someone who likes you and you like. Enjoy IRL.

Possibly go back to college, even for 1 class. You’re more likely to find someone who connects with you in a space that you also exist in. Virtually unpossible online. Those myriad stories of people finding a life partner online are extremely rare.

Just try other apps maybe and don’t overthink it. The people who want to see your profile could join Tinder in a week or two and all you have to do is wait.

I’m just so over with life itself. My self esteem is completely down the gutter. I wish there was an easy and painless escape out of this life.

I suggest not trying to date until you are out of this hole. You don’t need to feel fantastic and amazing every day. But if you feel at least normal, then your ability to improve your dating life will be significantly improved.

Dating successfully really comes down to three things: presentation, substance, and numbers.

Let’s start with substance. Women like sex and relationships. But women don’t tend to be as motivated by sex as men, and they can pretty easily find a guy to fuck them any night of the week by any number of means - and most women have a couple exes or fwbs in their phone that they will call up when they feel the need. So most women are not jonesing to go out and find a new guy to smash. And while many women yearn to be in a relationship, they are typically interested in being in a relationship that adds to their lives - not just being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. So the most important first step is to ask yourself: what can you actually add to someone else’s life? Are you fun? Successful? Charismatic? A good juggler? Do you have an awesome group of friends? Can you be emotionally supportive to someone who needs your help? Do you spend your days doing enjoyable and meaningful things? Do you have your shit generally together mentally, physically, and financially? I don’t want to give the impression that you have to be some kind of ubermensch here - but if you are not able to pay your bills, have fun doing some hobbies with some good friends, and look forward to a bright future, then very few women are going to be interested in you because being with you would be the same or worse than being on their own. The substance of who you are and the life you live is the most important factor in your dating success - so it is good to put a lot of energy into this. Note also that I’m not saying you need to become a rich douchebag. I’m just saying you need to figure out how to like who you are, and like your life, and if you are unhappy, then change these things until you are happy.

Presentation is kind of like sharpening the substance you have built up. Are you an awesome person with an awesome life? Great! You are 90% of the way there. But your ability to get a date will be tanked if you look like a homeless person. Go get a haircut and put on some clothes that fit pretty well and have a style that you jive with. If you are doing online dating, go out and take some pics of yourself doing cool things where you are looking good.

Finally, numbers. Fact is, unless you are a famous movie actor or something, the vast majority of women will not be interested in you.That’s fine, because there are also vast numbers of women. So now you just have to find the women who are interested in what you are offering. You can do this online on Tinder or Hinge by sending out tons and tons of likes. Or you can do this in real life by spending lots of time in as many social situations as possible and meeting lots of people, some of whom might be sexy somebodies. So then, whatever venue you’re in, if you see someone you are interested in, strike up a convo and see where it goes.

But seriously - mental health first.

Listen. Are you familiar with the carnival game concept of a ‘crowd seeder’?

Carnivals rig their games, and they get players to come to the booth by letting one person win a huge prize at the start of the night. They walk around with that giant stuffed animal, and people think, “Wow! I want a giant stuffed animal! If this guy won one, I could win one too!”

And then the carnival game owner just sits back and lets the stacks roll in as suckers pitch ball after ball at targets rigged to the lever under his foot.

It’s a confidence scam. Dating apps are built literally the same way, with a really insidious twist of getting you hooked by sinking its claws into your very sense of self-worth and worthiness to be loved. It’s sick.

And, yeah, ngl, whiteness as default and Euro-centric beauty standards fuck with peoples’ heads too, especially if they haven’t taken a good hard look in the mirror and tried to see past the shampoo and aftershave ads and see the truth about human connection.

Fuck the dating apps. My last girlfriend, I met at a protest. She was wonderful. Things didn’t work out for pretty normal reasons. We connected because we shared the same passion. That’s kinda a built-in dating profile by itself. So, go out and engage in things that make you happy. Really, genuinely, truly happy. Online or offline, doesn’t matter. You increase your odds for free just by interacting with new people every day, by trying to be friends first. The old classic is the local bar or coffee shop with the vibe you like. Worst case scenario, you got a dry spell for a while and you have a new hobby.

As far as wanting to kill yourself? Buddy. Been there. Hell, I’m still there most days, and I’m on meds rn. It’s easy to hate yourself. I hate myself too. There are just days it’s easier to forget about it than others, and then days where I get reminded how much I hate my own guts and want to delete my save file. But it’s more than sex that I live for. And I had to choose it. I had to choose it for every pair of eyes that would be red at my funeral. I had to choose it for the traumatized 20-something EMT who’d have to zip me up. I had to choose it for every person who’s ever counted on me, even once, even if I hadn’t seen them in years.

There is more to life. It’s worth so much more than a rigged carnival game.

I failed at online dating for a decade. I suggest that you join a local discussion group or hobby group that meets regularly. Try to make some meaningful friends there.

I have been struggling with pretty much the same thing. I eventually ended deleting all the dating apps, when someone unmatched me because I told her that I played video games. These platforms make it really easy to judgemental towards others or oneself. Fuck dating apps, they are not worth the time or effort.

For now, it is better if you focus on your mental health. I also suggest some socializing, if you feel strong enough.

Honestly, my worst dates were all through dating apps. I joined a gym and just focused on feeling better overall. Then once I could stand to look at myself in a mirror, I started finding things I enjoyed doing. Table top games, computer games, nature walks, bushcraft, paintball, and more. While I was out doing those things, I made friends. Eventually I found someone I thought I would like to get to know better. I simply asked if they would like to get coffee with me. After that, we made getting coffee a regular thing and talked. We have been together for 8 years now. And we knew more about each other by the end of our first year than most people who have been married for 5. You can do it, you you this.

Congratulations, at 33 you’ve gone full circle on hot singles in your area. I’ve done that to, 1 match and she was batshit crazy. It was awful.

Best way to deal with it? I would say spend some time out in public at bars/restaurants. Never flirt just talk with people who want to be talked with.

Spend some extra time on you, gym, walks, etc.

Try hinge, I’m getting a lot more luck there. But online dating is fucking atrocious

Let me preface This with saying:

But of course that does Not mean everybody should be Single or that Nobody should Look for a Partner. I absolutely understand how damaging it can be to your self esteem to be Single and feel Like maybe something is wrong with you or maybe you are not worth loving at all. But that just is Not true. Maybe you Are just unlucky and thats all.

Honestly tinder might not be the best Place to Look for a Date. 💀

I cant give you an easy Solution but I can absolutely Tell you where you are wrong and that it is okay to be at the Place that you currently are at in life.

Unfortunately while you can Date it does not mean finding the Right Person is easy. If you want to Date you do you and feel free to try different things. If you want to find the Right Person then be Patient because your s/o tries to be on their way as fast as she can.

It is a pain yes, but focus on yourself more and try to do things that make you feel satisfaction and glee.

Maybe a last and actual tip is If you got peculiar hobbies maybe you can mingle with others who do have the Same hobby and if you are Lucky you might even find a cool gal whos into the same shit as you.

All This might Sound generic or stuff you already know yes, but the pain is very real. Cause I also know that in our minds we tend to make it a bigger deal than it should be.

To be blunt (respectfully): I am not saying you cant look for a partner and that you shouldnt do it but from your post I think you might have other issues and maybe without realizing you might not even be ready for a relationship. Thats Why I emphasize again: prioritize what gives you satisfaction yourself. I dont know where but Anyone can pull a partner. Most of the time its more of an issue whether you can keep a Person by your side. And if you do think you can dont be too impatient cause rushing things will not do Anyone Any favors.

What is something you want changed in the world or in your community? Find a group that is working toward that goal. Anyone you meet there performing work toward the goal you will automatically know you have something in common with: the goal. Don’t only use your work there as a place to hunt for romantic partners. Use it for a place to find non-romantic friends. This means members of the group you’re romantically attracted to, and even the groups you aren’t. While its possible you’ll find a romantic mate directly from the members of the group, its more likely that someone will see your passion for the shared goal and introduce you to someone outside the group.