Content Warning: Suicide. Be careful when reading this, if it ever feels like too much, just stop. You don’t have to go through this.

spoiler

I have learned quite a few things from my last time here.

First of all I learned that I was an “emotional dumper”, I’m like a fan that spits out things that are vile and putrid. Can’t finish a sentence without linking it to an established narrative that I have in my head.

Ever since I learned about that, I feel really closed off. Like I can’t talk to anyone any more. I don’t wanna hurt people, in any way shape or form. But I have so much on my mind, 24/7, I don’t know where to go.

I feel terrible, I had to face my relatives today, and it was absolutely vile. I can’t face the outside world anymore, everything reminds me of how much I hate this place, its people, its customs, its food, everything.

I can’t look at a. fucking. tree, anymore. Glass half empty half full? More like when I look at a tree, i find some trash below it, or I look at the wasteland that surrounds it, and I make myself feel terrible.

Hmmm. But isn’t interesting how this tree can survive in such a fucked up environment? I wish I was a tree, trees have always been symbolized as wise, caring, and gentle. Cut their branches, scribble your name on them, pick their fruit. It just keep growing…

But trees can be cut, burned, plucked by a storm, or become sick. Some trees can grow back, but not this tree. Not me.

I know I already made a post here, and I still remember Noodel’s advice about being happy that today’s brand of agony won’t repeat again. But the future is still bleak.

For the last 7 days, 7 weeks, 7 months, I have felt nothing but dread and agony. At the first 1-3 months I was completely fucked, I wasn’t hungry, and wasn’t thirsty too, which really blew me away. To this day the only reason I get out of bed, it’s because I want to go to the bathroom. That’s how everyday starts, with discomfort that I have to deal with. Too much sweat, my breath stinks, I need to go to the bathroom. It’s like I’m not even living anymore, just a set of instructions, simple if statements.

Last 7 days were already very rough. I was only able to hang in there with the help of some Matrix folks (which was very nice), and listening to music while dancing, like dancing very dangerously, last night I nauseated myself to sleep. It doesn’t work anymore. I feel hollow, transparent, the colors are grey, again.

I love the wholesome community here on lemmy, it helped me get through so much. But nothing works anymore, “Nothing” that I know of any way.

I am trying really hard to make this not devolve into a rant about everything and everyone, but I also want to write how I feel, I am not writing an essay, from my mind to the little Lemmy box.

I have been trying to reach out so many times, anything, anyone. Nothing. Music is a really big thing to me, and even music doesn’t work anymore. And I’m just repeating myself.

The fibromyalgia pain still continues, 3 days ago I felt absolutely terrible, this time I felt the pain in my knuckles.

Back again on Noodle’s advice, I know that today’s brand of agony is gone, but also, I will feel it again. And again, and again. Every time I get a cold, or food poisoning, the only way to comfort myself is to say “It will happen again”. I will get sick again, and again, and again, and again, and again. It will never stop. I still have my condition, I’m still in my country, I am still me.

What am I supposed to enjoy? Breathing? Blinking? Am I missing something here?+

As I’m writing this, I’m trying so hard to reach out everywhere, tendrils of my mind spread everywhere, spreading their poison, hurting the next unsuspecting person. And for what? I know that it will happen again. People will reply to this, and I will reply back, and I might feel good for a while, like last time.

But “It will happen again”, pain and the marching of time are my only constants, the only things I can depend on.

See you next week, month, year. This isn’t the last of me. I go deprive myself of sleep, so that I may feel some semblance of “good” again.

As always artist is azaza0727 on instagram, only their art can begin to describe how I feel.

  • alyth@lemmy.worldEnglish
    2·
    7 days ago

    To be honest I find your writing rather captivating. I think you make the reader feel quite close to the emotions you are describing. You say you have a lot on your mind… Have you ever considered writing a story?

    • Reilyh she/her@sh.itjust.worksOPEnglish
      2·
      7 days ago

      Awww thanks for replying to this! Believe it or not, I didn’t change that much form this post. In any case, I would very much like to write a story. But I have no idea how to get into “writing”, I guess I’ll just freestyle it like I do with music and pixelart, then actually learning the basic rules and being like “Wooooaaaaaah”. 🫶

      EDIT: I wanted to read this to figure out if it’s actually “captivating” but I don’t wanna relive old memories.

      EDIT 2: Then I read it, and I think I might know what you mean, even I wanted to make till the end 😄.

      • alyth@lemmy.worldEnglish
        2·
        6 days ago

        Thank you for your reply as well :) Freestyling it sounds really good. I hope you get something out of it whichever method you employ! You certainly seem to have a knack for it and I’m glad you see it too. Sometimes I write because it feels very relieving to write letters onto paper. Btw on a totally different note, did you know that badgers are known to live in groups, or as couples, or on their own? They have lots of different styles of living and it’s hypothesized they only learned to live in groups recently. This doesn’t really have anything to do with anything but I like badgers and hope you might appreciate a little badger fact!

        • Reilyh she/her@sh.itjust.worksOPEnglish
          2·
          6 days ago

          sometimes I write because it feels very relieving to write letters onto paper

          Writing things down seems to make things less daunting, and more simple, like wow, all my worries are on a piece of A4 paper.

          hypothesized they only learned to live in groups recently

          Huh. That actually sounds super interesting, I wonder why they started doing that. I love badgers! And aren’t they like, really really tough? Looks like everyone needs a hug after all! Thank you for cool badger fact!!!

          • alyth@lemmy.worldEnglish
            2·
            6 days ago

            all my worries are on a piece of A4 paper.

            I like that image a lot! That’s a very beautiful way to think about it.

            I also like all the senses that are involved in it. There’s the visual creativity you have with the letters or ink, but also the smell of the paper, the sound of the pen scratching against the paper, and there’s very few distractions. I find it all very soothing. And of course the little doodles that live in their own little world in the margins. :)

            I wonder why they started doing that.

            I read about it in a big book about badgers at the library, but unfortunately I can’t remember if they theorized about the reasons. It’s one of those books you can only consult on premises though, so I don’t have it on me right now. The next time I’m there I’ll take another look at that section!

            Badgers can sometimes be quite tough indeed, especially male badgers can have brutal fights with each other. On the other hand they’ll sniff and cuddle and clean each other. Generally, they are rather shy. I was watching a badger webcam and the young cubs sleep in a little pile, it’s very cute…

            I’ll give you another fact I read from the book - Often badgers grow up and live in the sett they were born it. But over time, if a sett becomes too crowded, some will choose to leave their clan behind. They’ll live alone or try to be accepted into a different clan.

            • Reilyh she/her@sh.itjust.worksOPEnglish
              2·
              6 days ago

              Awww now I miss writing in paper! My journal is basically just markdown files, and I really miss the doodles, and the intensity of letters depending on how I was feeling. At least I can search my journal for “relevant” information when I need to, which is nice. Maybe I’ll install one of them handwriting fonts, or make my own to make it more personal.

              was watching a badger webcam and the young cubs sleep in a little pile, it’s very cute…

              WEBCAMS are the bestest! I was watching webcams of birds and other animals, it’s so sad that I forgot the channel name, but they had some 20 cameras distributed around all kinds of places. I think it would be nice to keep the livestream open when i get a second monitor :)

              eave their clan behind. They’ll live alone or try to be accepted into a different clan.

              That sounds wonderful. Badgers are now Reilyh certified!

              girl smiling

              Thanks again for taking the time!

              • alyth@lemmy.worldEnglish
                1·
                5 days ago

                If your markdown files look anything as cool as your website once personalized I’m sure they will look absolutely wonderful :)) aw that’s a cute idea about the livestream!! i’m happy that badgers got the Reilyh badge 🪱🦡 (this badger is eating his favorite food, an earthworm) thank you for taking the time, too. very pleasant talking to you.