Hi friends and comrades,
I normally wouldn’t post sensitive stuff on here but I’m so overwhelmed right now and lacking a support network.
My partner of 3 years walked out on me silently Friday night. I was helping my sister pack for a move, and when I got back my partner was gone and so were our cats. I freaked out thinking I left the door open and they escaped or that my partner was in danger, but eventually realized what happened.
Everything has seemed generally good within our relationship. She’s seemed distant over the last week but I asked her about it and she said it was stress from the new uni semester starting up, and lingering hurt from a previous disagreement we had about how I like to spend time with my family and friends without her sometimes. We tried to talk it out but reached an impasse, so we agreed to go to couples counseling for it. That was scheduled for this upcoming week.
Anyway I get back to the empty apartment. She stopped sharing her location, didn’t pick up my calls, etc etc. I eventually got her on the phone Friday night and she refused to explain what was happening or why. Just said things are too much for her to bear, that she can’t focus on school, and that she thinks this is over. I went and stayed with my sister and her bf because they were still in town and my strongest outside support network. But they also left in the morning to their new place in a different city so I truly have nobody here rn for me. They’ve been such a blessing in their support though.
I believe all of this stems from a larger disagreement between my partner and I. There were a few instances from the second half of last year into the first half of this year where she raised her voice in disagreements and shouted in my face, slamming doors etc. I’m somebody who believes that this is unproductive and hurtful, and that what she did crossed into verbal abuse. It was happening more and more frequently so I put my foot down and said that she can’t talk to me like that anymore. I said we needed to pause conversations of marriage and kids for now because I was feeling emotionally unsafe and wanted to resolve this before we make those big decisions. She has been very unhappy with this arrangement. She has tried to bring up those conversations without fully resolving my feelings. I want her to acknowledge what happened, apologize, and give me her word that she won’t do it again. She has stopped raising her voice but has remained avoidant towards the other steps. This was another thing we wanted counseling to mediate and resolve, because I haven’t felt my needs being met and in turn she’s feeling upset at the wait on those conversations. This was also on the docket for our upcoming therapy appointment.
I got to talk to her today but she refused a phone call, only text. I asked if she could give me some insight into what was happening. Why did she leave without warning, why aren’t we talking about this, what happened, where are we at? She didn’t answer the first two, but told me she’s at her parents, has arranged a secret second lease that she’s falling back to, that not talking about marriage has been such a mental health burden to the point of “grinding her into ash” (but that this isn’t the main reason she did this), and said we’re on an “exclusive pause” right now. She also said she “learned something about mental health” that concerns her wrt the boundary I have on marriage convos right now, insinuating it has to do with my mental health, and that she wouldn’t share what that means unless we saw a therapist. She also told me she canceled our counseling appointment and was arranging a moving company for her stuff. I do have some mental health issues; I have bad social anxiety and I think untreated ADHD, but I’m not alone in that as my partner also has several mental health battles we work on together (BPD, anxiety, depression, and ADHD). I asked her if we could go to counseling at least to let me hear her story on this and find peace. She agreed and seemed to want to try to mend things? She mentioned breaking up in the conversation but also said that right now it’s a pause, and said “the only way we can fix things is with a therapist”. So I’m utterly confused to where things are at. But also she’s still moving out ASAP and not divulging any real details to me about what happened, what sparks it, where she’s going, anything.
This has been incredibly unexpected and hurtful and I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I keep finding myself spiraling into self conscious what-ifs, wondering what went wrong, is there somebody else, did I do something terrible without realizing it, and why she felt the need to do this in secret instead of having a conversation. I thought we respected one another to at least try to let the other down easy if things weren’t working. But it felt to me that despite the problems that we were making it work, being present for one another and good to each other, and seeking mediation for the spots where we couldn’t find helpful compromise. So this is unbelievably out of the blue.
I’m sorry for the wall of text. And I know this is obviously just my half of a much more complex story. But I really just need to vent somewhere and for somebody to hear me. I don’t expect answers from posting this; I’m just trying to process this. If anybody has insight for me or has been through something similar please let me know. Those I’ve told about this situation who are more familiar have been just as confused as I am about what’s happening. I just feel broken and worthless and lost
Edit: thank you all for your responses and insight. I spent the afternoon on a long hike to try to clear my head so I haven’t read them all yet but it means a lot to hear honest thoughts on this. I’m not sure how to move forward yet but thank you all for helping me sift through this
People with BPD often exhibit this kind of behavior after someone puts up boundaries or challenges them in some way. They have a very difficult time with interpersonal conflict (this is basically a core part of BPD). You putting a pause on marriage/children discussions (sounds like the right move imo) likely sparked a sense of rejection/abandonment in your partner.
You should probably make an appointment with a therapist alone and talk through everything. I’ve been in similar situations and it can help a lot to have someone just listen and say it all back to you, especially if you’re already spending a lot of time thinking about it anyway. Not all therapists are great, but even a mediocre one can help most of the time.
Honestly, it sounds like you already know what needs to happen. You took a step back to try to resolve some issues before moving deeper into the relationship and your partner has only confirmed she doesn’t want that by leaving. Given time they might realize how negative this kind of behavior is, but you don’t actually have to give them that time.
You’re right. I am planning to look into therapy for myself soon, I am starting a new job next week and once I’m paid I will take care of myself in that sense. It’s hard to commit to letting it go but I am making my peace with the situation. The first 72 hours after this surprise were just hard to navigate and I needed help; thank you to you and everybody else here for lending me that.
I dont think the diagnosis is warranted to explain peoples selfish behaviors (which could otherwise be summed up by calling them a selfish asshole instead) Especially for BPD which is heavily stigmatized.
OP seemed to be saying the partner had it
I didn’t say anything about selfish behaviors and BPD. I was specifically pointing out how feeling rejected or abandoned when someone puts up boundaries and having difficulty sorting through interpersonal conflicts is a core part of BPD. Because, well, it is?
If it seemed like I was suggesting someone is a selfish asshole because they have BPD, you’ll need to explain to me exactly how I did that if you’d like for me to change it because I read my message 3 more times just now and do not understand.
I have a deep relationship with BPD (mom, sister, probably me) and a lot of education on the topic (dropped out in the last year of grad school for clinical psych). I’m not really sure how calling someone a selfish asshole is better than explaining how BPD can cause some of these behaviors and exacerbate negative reactions.