Hi friends and comrades,
I normally wouldn’t post sensitive stuff on here but I’m so overwhelmed right now and lacking a support network.
My partner of 3 years walked out on me silently Friday night. I was helping my sister pack for a move, and when I got back my partner was gone and so were our cats. I freaked out thinking I left the door open and they escaped or that my partner was in danger, but eventually realized what happened.
Everything has seemed generally good within our relationship. She’s seemed distant over the last week but I asked her about it and she said it was stress from the new uni semester starting up, and lingering hurt from a previous disagreement we had about how I like to spend time with my family and friends without her sometimes. We tried to talk it out but reached an impasse, so we agreed to go to couples counseling for it. That was scheduled for this upcoming week.
Anyway I get back to the empty apartment. She stopped sharing her location, didn’t pick up my calls, etc etc. I eventually got her on the phone Friday night and she refused to explain what was happening or why. Just said things are too much for her to bear, that she can’t focus on school, and that she thinks this is over. I went and stayed with my sister and her bf because they were still in town and my strongest outside support network. But they also left in the morning to their new place in a different city so I truly have nobody here rn for me. They’ve been such a blessing in their support though.
I believe all of this stems from a larger disagreement between my partner and I. There were a few instances from the second half of last year into the first half of this year where she raised her voice in disagreements and shouted in my face, slamming doors etc. I’m somebody who believes that this is unproductive and hurtful, and that what she did crossed into verbal abuse. It was happening more and more frequently so I put my foot down and said that she can’t talk to me like that anymore. I said we needed to pause conversations of marriage and kids for now because I was feeling emotionally unsafe and wanted to resolve this before we make those big decisions. She has been very unhappy with this arrangement. She has tried to bring up those conversations without fully resolving my feelings. I want her to acknowledge what happened, apologize, and give me her word that she won’t do it again. She has stopped raising her voice but has remained avoidant towards the other steps. This was another thing we wanted counseling to mediate and resolve, because I haven’t felt my needs being met and in turn she’s feeling upset at the wait on those conversations. This was also on the docket for our upcoming therapy appointment.
I got to talk to her today but she refused a phone call, only text. I asked if she could give me some insight into what was happening. Why did she leave without warning, why aren’t we talking about this, what happened, where are we at? She didn’t answer the first two, but told me she’s at her parents, has arranged a secret second lease that she’s falling back to, that not talking about marriage has been such a mental health burden to the point of “grinding her into ash” (but that this isn’t the main reason she did this), and said we’re on an “exclusive pause” right now. She also said she “learned something about mental health” that concerns her wrt the boundary I have on marriage convos right now, insinuating it has to do with my mental health, and that she wouldn’t share what that means unless we saw a therapist. She also told me she canceled our counseling appointment and was arranging a moving company for her stuff. I do have some mental health issues; I have bad social anxiety and I think untreated ADHD, but I’m not alone in that as my partner also has several mental health battles we work on together (BPD, anxiety, depression, and ADHD). I asked her if we could go to counseling at least to let me hear her story on this and find peace. She agreed and seemed to want to try to mend things? She mentioned breaking up in the conversation but also said that right now it’s a pause, and said “the only way we can fix things is with a therapist”. So I’m utterly confused to where things are at. But also she’s still moving out ASAP and not divulging any real details to me about what happened, what sparks it, where she’s going, anything.
This has been incredibly unexpected and hurtful and I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I keep finding myself spiraling into self conscious what-ifs, wondering what went wrong, is there somebody else, did I do something terrible without realizing it, and why she felt the need to do this in secret instead of having a conversation. I thought we respected one another to at least try to let the other down easy if things weren’t working. But it felt to me that despite the problems that we were making it work, being present for one another and good to each other, and seeking mediation for the spots where we couldn’t find helpful compromise. So this is unbelievably out of the blue.
I’m sorry for the wall of text. And I know this is obviously just my half of a much more complex story. But I really just need to vent somewhere and for somebody to hear me. I don’t expect answers from posting this; I’m just trying to process this. If anybody has insight for me or has been through something similar please let me know. Those I’ve told about this situation who are more familiar have been just as confused as I am about what’s happening. I just feel broken and worthless and lost
Edit: thank you all for your responses and insight. I spent the afternoon on a long hike to try to clear my head so I haven’t read them all yet but it means a lot to hear honest thoughts on this. I’m not sure how to move forward yet but thank you all for helping me sift through this
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You’re not on a pause. She ended the relationship. You did the right thing setting reasonable boundaries around mutually respectful and open communication. Unfortunately she’s repeatedly shown you that right now she doesn’t want to be in a partnership if she can’t be the one in control. While you were trying to work on your communication as a couple in a healthy way, she was actively making plans to leave while repeatedly lying to you. I know it doesn’t feel great to hear, but separating is best for both of you. Be firm on this. You deserve better than to be in an abusive relationship, and she deserves the opportunity to grow as a person. She’s never going to do that if she stays in a relationship that enables her worst impulses.
Thank you for your honest thoughts. I think I’ve known what you’re saying is right, I just can’t help but put on rose tinted glasses and reflect on when times were good. I appreciate your insight.
Sounds complicated. I’m always reluctant to say much on these things because there’s always missing information, hundreds if not thousands of hours of insights that only couples really share that can’t really be put into text very well at all. You know your situation better than me.
With that said, unwillingness to apologise for screaming in someone’s face is concerning and I’d be hesitant to discuss marriage with someone that can’t recognise this as a problem. I don’t think you’re acting unreasonably here.
Further to this. Walking out on someone and then saying it’s because you won’t get married seems… Illogical? Someone that walks out on someone is not someone who is prepared for marriage vows. Or at least, those vows aren’t going to be taken as seriously as they ought to be.
These two parts seem to be the most important parts of this whole thing.
Yes I worried about making this post in case people think I want to be told I’m right. I don’t want that at all, because I can’t possibly clue you all in on every detail and nuance. And I don’t want to paint her out unfairly. I just needed an outlet.
I appreciate your outlook on what I wrote. It is very complicated and I was just feeling overwhelmed, so I am thankful for you and everybody else who’s commented for helping me reflect on it all
I’ve always hated reddit’s kneejerk response being “you have to break up over it” based on only a snippet of information.
I don’t think that’s true in many cases. But there’s either going to be compromise from one side or the other on this redline caused by the face screaming, which seems to be the line causing the other conversation about marriage from being a no go.
As far as I can tell from the information we have here - either she moves to your side on it, or you let it go. Rather mechanical interpretation of the situation but it’s how it reads.
I just want to say I know how emotional this will be for you. Longterm breakups suck, I have very much been there and it takes me years to properly recover.
Thank you. I don’t think we’re gonna be able to work things out. I have still stood firm in my needs around the yelling thing and wanting to work it over with a therapist, and that led her to say that there is definitely no pause. So it’s over, but I feel a lot more equipped to handle it after all the advice in this thread. This was my first serious relationship and I’m terrified to put myself back out there in the future. I’ve got a lot of pieces I need to pick up but I feel better about doing that now.
You sound way more emotionally put together than I was when I first dealt with this. I think you’ll be fine.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It must be awful.
Going to be real with you though. There’s no coming back from this and letting it linger is just going to make it more messy. It’s fucked to just walk out like that barring extreme circumstances and even then they should probably at least tell you what’s wrong over text. Couples therapy isn’t going to fix whatever is happening there.
I know you weren’t married but you might want to consider hiring a lawyer. Ends to long term relationships can often be just as messy as a divorce. If both of you were on the lease to your apartment they still have obligations to pay rent. You might have rights to the cats depending on the laws where you live. If you have joint accounts either of you can take all that is in them and both of you are liable for joint debts so be wary of that. You should also be present for the move out to make sure that nothing is taken out that shouldn’t be.
I’ve been with my partner for a bit over a decade and married for over half, and we’re still discovering the knock-on effects of past traumas; e.g. I tend to be avoidant in relationships and she tends to be anxious and those tend to not mix well. Anyway, we’re all fucked up in a myriad of ways (and sometimes new ones develop over time!) but the intention of therapy (in my experience) is being able to have a skilled facilitator mediate one’s internal experience with external reality; and then to provide the tools one can come back to when the next experience arises. And at the root of it is trying to treat each other as we’d like to be treated (she’s my best bud after all) and treat myself that way as well (as I would treat my best friend). All that’s to say - I’m sorry you’re going through this. Plenty of friends of mine have had engagements/long-term relationships break down when things were getting serious, and if they take the opportunity to grow emotionally they tend to be in better relationships now. It sounds like you’re taking the right steps to push through this struggle - and trying to do what’s right by both of you - and if this is where your paths diverge then you’re at least trying to get closure and allow yourselves a better jumping-off point for emotional growth
I’m sorry for your pain and confusion in this moment. It’s great to hear you went for a big hike and took the time to journal here and reflect and not engage in self-destructive or vice behaviors! That takes real strength and maturity.
From what it sounds like, thank g-d your partner moved out and that didn’t turn into a protractive struggle. It sounds really like you will just continue to be mistreated and it’s for the best that you are able to have such a clean break. That doesn’t lessen the real pain, but it mean other pains are avoided.
Your post is long and I started skimming but my takeaways are
- you all sound young. You have plenty of time to find new, better, people
- your partner is behaving badly and you don’t deserve that. You deserve someone who will communicate openly and honestly, not run away on flimsy pretenses.
Let her go. Focus on yourself , and find someone more stable and communicative.
Yes sorry for the stream of consciousness. Thank you for your insight; it’s hard to accept where it’s at but you’re right that it’s likely not worth the pain to try to mend something in this state
I think that if she was serious about both your well-being and the marriage stuff, then maybe she’d take that as a reason to prioritize trying to resolve the “hey, I don’t like having someone scream in my face” issue. The fact that she didn’t pursue addressing that while her concern about marriage, etc. was “grinding her to ash” is difficult to interpret as anything other than that she’d rather “be ground to ash” than try to resolve the screaming in your face thing. I have no interest in making moral judgements about her, but it really seems like you might be better off in the long run and maybe she can find someone who doesn’t mind being mistreated like that.
But really, as others have said, it sounds like she was ruminating over a bunch of things for a long time, some of which she probably didn’t even voice or, for example, mentioned once and felt discouraged by the response and thus never mentioned again (which is not a reasonable reaction here but something people do), and the relationship functionally became terminal at some point before she left. I’ve seen exactly that happen multiple times before, though I really have no idea how to prevent it.
Doesn’t sound unsalvageable but really consider if it’s worth it! I had a partner end things and got the time to do so. They seemingly had another change of heart a little >1 year later and reached out to me, while I was still missing her I also could never trust her or anyone again who leaves instead of working it out and said as such. Time did eventually heal that wound, as much as it sucks right now.
You’re right I don’t want to put myself back in a situation where I can’t trust fully. I don’t want to wonder if every conflict will end this way. You give me some good points to think about, thank you for sharing your thoughts
People with BPD often exhibit this kind of behavior after someone puts up boundaries or challenges them in some way. They have a very difficult time with interpersonal conflict (this is basically a core part of BPD). You putting a pause on marriage/children discussions (sounds like the right move imo) likely sparked a sense of rejection/abandonment in your partner.
You should probably make an appointment with a therapist alone and talk through everything. I’ve been in similar situations and it can help a lot to have someone just listen and say it all back to you, especially if you’re already spending a lot of time thinking about it anyway. Not all therapists are great, but even a mediocre one can help most of the time.
Honestly, it sounds like you already know what needs to happen. You took a step back to try to resolve some issues before moving deeper into the relationship and your partner has only confirmed she doesn’t want that by leaving. Given time they might realize how negative this kind of behavior is, but you don’t actually have to give them that time.
You’re right. I am planning to look into therapy for myself soon, I am starting a new job next week and once I’m paid I will take care of myself in that sense. It’s hard to commit to letting it go but I am making my peace with the situation. The first 72 hours after this surprise were just hard to navigate and I needed help; thank you to you and everybody else here for lending me that.
I dont think the diagnosis is warranted to explain peoples selfish behaviors (which could otherwise be summed up by calling them a selfish asshole instead) Especially for BPD which is heavily stigmatized.
OP seemed to be saying the partner had it
I didn’t say anything about selfish behaviors and BPD. I was specifically pointing out how feeling rejected or abandoned when someone puts up boundaries and having difficulty sorting through interpersonal conflicts is a core part of BPD. Because, well, it is?
If it seemed like I was suggesting someone is a selfish asshole because they have BPD, you’ll need to explain to me exactly how I did that if you’d like for me to change it because I read my message 3 more times just now and do not understand.
I have a deep relationship with BPD (mom, sister, probably me) and a lot of education on the topic (dropped out in the last year of grad school for clinical psych). I’m not really sure how calling someone a selfish asshole is better than explaining how BPD can cause some of these behaviors and exacerbate negative reactions.
Thank you for sharing, I’m not in a position to offer advice but know that you’re heard by others, I read it all.
I could say a lot but I’m going to go with what’s the most simple answer. You may want to dig into the exact reasons, to find understanding, but you’re probably going to be really disappointed. Your partner likely has been stewing on this for a lot longer than you realize, and no amount of rationalization is going to make them change their mind, much less help you really understand their decision. I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through, and I hope you recover sooner and without too much more pain.
I appreciate that. We’re planning to see a therapist together soon to at least discuss what has happened since Friday to give us both closure. And you’re right, it is a blindside to me but clearly something she has been mulling for a while. I appreciate your kind words
