It’s all about moderation, I’d never tolerate being with someone who judges me for doing X activity in a healthy way, but I also wouldn’t tolerate someone that’s no-lifing 24/7 and letting it affect their health, work, etc.
When every activity has to have at least one round of games in between for that dopamine hit, and waking up at night for it, coming home at work for it, yeah we have a problem. And in that case, boundaries (which can come across as ultimatums) are entirely appropriate.
i mean i’d start with saying you’re worried about them and unhappy, and asking them to just tone it down and maybe get some professional help to reach a more sustainable place
Not quite peak maturity. Here would be something closer to peak maturity:
While you are obviously more important to me than some silly games, I’m deeply concerned that you’d end our relationship over something so trivial.
I’m afraid this relationship can no longer continue, not because I’m choosing video games over you, but because you’ve displayed such a lack of respect in giving me this ridiculous ultimatum.I’m interested in talking about this with you and hearing your concerns. I do not believe my video gaming is negatively affecting my life, nor is it causing me to skip my life responsibilities as an adult. I believe I am an equal partner in bringing in income, performing housework, and being an available and attentive partner to you. In the times when I’m not doing those things, yes, I enjoy playing video games just like I support you spending hours listening to “true crime” podcasts, documentaries, and books because I know that is something you enjoy.The time I spend on video games is a small fraction of my waking hours and, I believe, long after I’ve taken care of all my responsibilities. However, I fully acknowledge I could be in the wrong with my assessment and am very interested in your viewpoint if you feel I’m falling short physically or emotionally in our relationship because of video games. Can you describe how you are seeing video games are negatively affecting me, and our relationship? I promise to hear your words and truly consider them, not simply dismiss them defensively. I do that because I care about your opinion and I love you. However, this doesn’t mean I’ll automatically agree with you and drop video games. We are in a long term committed relationship. We know we’re going to have some speed bumps along the way, but we want this relationship to work and that means communication with one another. Lets work this out together and go over what you’re seeing.
Nah.
If you still think ultimatums work, I’m uninterested in a relationship with you.
You’re fully within your rights to choose your relationships, but I’d argue your immediate and absolute binary reaction here is showing a lack of maturity on your part, which was the point of the post. Lacking maturity isn’t a crime, and hopefully in life, we continue to mature as we get older.
You’re saying this is an ultimatum, but you never question whether the man in the scenario does actually have a problem that could be harming the relationship. You’re taking the position that if your mate, in a loving relationship, challenges you at a point of desperation for your bad behavior that she may use this language to try and get your attention because nothing else does. She could be reaching out at one last attempt to save the relationship and give you an opportunity to action for the health of the relationship. You’re allowing for no introspection on your part. That’s showing some more maturity is possible on your way to “peak maturity”.
If he has a problem then the problem should be the focus. If she wants to establish a boundary then she should figure out how to do that without deciding for him that he is never to game again.
Ultimatums are about controlling other people. They are an unhealthy way of confronting a problem if there even is a real problem at all.
My goodness, mate, are you, like, twelve?
If someone is at the brink of dumping a dude’s arse because they just cannot stand “being alone in a relationship” anymore, do you prefer them just disappearing, or giving an ultimatum?
Of course it’s establishing a boundary! But you don’t know the context! Saying “ultimatum bad” is just silly without context, because what if she’s been neglected for years while desperately trying to claw her loved one from the grip of addiction? She’s supposed to “suffer in silence”? It’s not the 1200s anymore.
I’m not trying to make assumptions about what’s not in the example. I don’t know what brought her to that decision but I know that it’s not displayed here.
I see an ultimatum. Those are bad and stupid. No one is suggesting suffering in silence. There is no reason to assume he has a problem.
These are all assumptions you brought to this.
Based on his reasonable and measured response it seems like perhaps she has not taken the appropriate prior steps to confront the issue if he feels blindsided by the ultimatum.
Without assuming more context than is written I will stand by my statement that ultimatums are about control and not conversation so they are an unhealthy form of confrontation.
I see an ultimatum.
This is prime evidence you are not at “peak maturity”. Keep in mind, I’m not claiming to be either. Every day I make mistakes and try to learn from them. Sometimes I have to make the mistake again before I learn. The obvious answer isn’t the right answer. Humans, especially in relationships, are not pure sources of truth. Not only are people flawed communicators, feelings and emotions frequently interfere with us understanding ourselves clearly and being able to enumerate our needs to ourselves and our mates. People aren’t computers. Just because they give one worded answer does not mean that is what they believe or the thoughts they hold.
You are seeing these words. Accepting them at face value. Believe they represent the truthful thoughts of the person saying them. In perhaps another 10 to 30 years from now, you’ll grow up a bit more and grasp that human relationships aren’t that simple.
Without assuming more context than is written I will stand by my statement that ultimatums are about control and not conversation so they are an unhealthy form of confrontation.
I implore you, for the future of your relationship with a mate, to look deeper and be open to possibilities that don’t appear obvious at first glance. You know when people say “Marriages [relationships] take work”. This is one of those examples. If you skip the hard and sometimes frustrating work of communicating with your mate you will lose them physically or emotionally. If you do this without learning, maturing, again and again, you will end up alone. I certainly don’t want that for you or anyone.
Brilliant.
For those not in the know, not only is this an eloquent example of sensitivity, open communication, and not overreaction, but it’s something much more important. This dialogue will effectively gauge the other party’s communication skills, emotional self-awareness, and willingness to negotiate. What follows will tell you volumes about what kind of relationship you’re actually in, and where to go from there.
Knew a guy who married someone who was like this. Months prior he was so proud and happy with his switch. I could see a light go out in him and it was so sad.
I could see a light go out in him
Why didn’t you turn him on?🤔
Cause the wife took his switch.
Give him a steam deck then.
“It’s me or your video games.”
“My video games don’t suddenly talk to me so it must be you.”
“Correct.”
The same woman has her face buried in TikTok while watching reality shows.
I have always and will continue to choose the “other”. If someone gives the “it’s me or this other thing” ultimatum I will choose the other thing out of principal even if I don’t care for the other thing all that much.
Padme: “It’s either me, or the child murder.”
Anakin: “OK. Bye!”
Hey it worked out for him, I heard he got a cool red sword and everything.
My first time in this community, I thought it was some sort of support group at first lol.
I gotta say, I’m lucky. My wife loves that I’m playing games in my free time. She feels comfortable knowing I’m with the boys and not at some bar getting hammered and hit on, not sure I’d be doing that anyway, but whatever makes her happy, you know?
I feel ya. My wife loves it when I play video games. She finds it comforting. Normally she’s either on her phone or in another room doing something. She recently told me that she likes it because she enjoys the art and music and style of the game, Silksong. She would get too pissed off and never be able to enjoy it because of the difficulty.
My wife loves watching me game too! She only plays chill games like stardew Valley and the likes. I’m trying to get her to play the mass effect series, I wanna see what choices she makes!
Fortnite Battlepass
I just shit out my ass
It’s you in my video games. You can leave but the mods are forever.
