Due to low self esteem and poor social skills, i dont usually approach women irl, also i fear im making them scaried or im bothering them. When i do, im usually rejected and i get really sad over this and i usually drink alcohol as a coping mechanism. All girls i approached in my life rejected me. I know im not entitled to relationships or anything and they have all the right to reject me, but i still get very sad over this, but i feel like using alcohol only makes things worse. I approached a girl at the gym, asked for her name, presented myself, i told her i considered her and her smile and voice beautiful, but ultimately i was rejected. I dont know if im overreacting or if its fine to drink in such occasions.
Alcohol is NEVER a good thing when dealing with something.
If you feel like you need a drink, no you don’t.
I drank a lot this night. Felt good but i feel like the effects take a toll. I usually drink because i feel like if im not entitled to a yes, i am entitled to be sad and suffer, but even though i feel better after crying and drinking, i think it would be better for me to take the rejection more maturely and not let myself be sad over it. The main problem is that when im rejected, i feel like i will never hear a “yes”. I never try to show frustration in front of the woman, i try to make sure that i took the rejection rightly and she doesnt need to worry about anything, but the moment i feel like i and her are not visible to each other anymore i go drink
but the moment i feel like i and her are not visible to each other anymore i go drink
If that’s the case, you should absolutely find a different outlet. Be it exercise of some kind, meditation, or even just a long walk. Alcohol can be very insidious in that kind of situation.
While cliché, I do think it’s helpful to everyone to have a therapist. A therapist is great to discuss and vent these kind of things to, even if it’s just because it allows you to speak freely outside of the sphere of your friend/family groups and what-not. Otherwise, reading books such as cPTSD by Pete Walker, can be a great assistance if getting a therapist isn’t accessible. It certainly helped me recognize some unhealthy thought patterns and work thru past trauma before finding a therapist.
If you’re interested in learning more about healthy dating/relationship practices, I’ve found the following very helpful
Ok, so you don’t have what they call “the social skills” but you can learn them.
Your approach of the girl at the gym was all wrong. What you need is practice making conversation, and understanding if your conversation partner is interested, or if they’d rather be left alone. If it is the latter, you gracefully exit “Big gulps eh? Whelp see ya!”
It takes practice learning how to speak with people. No need for compliments and asking for numbers and hoping for a miracle. You strike up a light hearted conversation, and let it flow. You sense they’re looking for the exits, you wish them a good day.
Booze? Forgetabout it. Start training yourself. Talk to everybody, get better at it, pay attention, get comfortable starting and ending conversations. You’ll become more relaxed, comfortable, easier to talk to, funnier. No big rejections because you picked up on the vibe way before it got there.
I’m sorry you feel the need to drink, as others have pointed out, it’s not going to help, so I’m not going to focus on that.
Women very rarely respond to openers that just focus on their physical attractiveness.
Practicing social skills means noticing her to begin with, paying attention to her existence. You are in a shared space and obviously both are pursuing healthy bodies through exercise at the gym. Don’t be obvious that you’re paying attention to her, but just try to notice and take note of details.
Does she bring a book and read it on the treadmill? If she listens to something on her phone instead, try to catch a peek of what it is: music? podcast? television? movies? Find something that you can talk about as an opener, something you also actually enjoy, don’t force it.
Once you have noticed the details, you don’t open with “you’re pretty” you open with “Hey, I noticed you’re reading X/listening to Y/watching Z and I was wondering your take on subtext/meaning/musical structure/how funny it is/etc.” You need an opening that gives you a reason to talk to her other than being pretty.
Once again, don’t go out of your way to spy on these things and get marked as a weird stalkery creepy, but when you have a chance, take a peek into what’s going on in her life.
Hell, you can even talk shop about gym and the kind of exercises you both approach. “I noticed you do some weight training, I’ve been meaning to get into that, do you think you could show me the ropes. My name is Blite.”
It all comes down to starting with treating her like a person not like a romantic object of beauty. I know you didn’t intend to be off-putting, but that can be off-putting and make someone feel like all you see is the outward shell and aren’t interested in the inner person.
The final thing is that this means if you never have an opening to work with… well, sadly, let it go. You can’t win em all, and sometimes the “you always miss the shots you don’t take” attitude hurts more than helps. Maybe you just never had enough of a peak at their inner life because they’re a private person, or maybe you just genuinely don’t have a lot in common with them. Whatever the reason, let it go and look for someone you can find a personable, humanizing opener with.
The bottom line is women are people and they generally want to be treated like a person first, which means talking to them and treating them the same way you would trying to make any friend of any gender. Because it has to start with enough mutual respect to see them as a friend first, find common ground, and then after a while of getting to know each other in the shared space (maybe a few weeks of talking to each other and getting to know one another in the gym) then ask her out on a date.
I really hope this helps. You’re not hopeless, you just need to change up how you approach this kind of situation. You also need someone willing to help walk you through it instead of just focusing on the drinking. Then you won’t need to drown your sorrows because you’ll have an actual path forward and be learning and executing better social skills.
Alcohol is a depressant, it will not make you feel better. It’s also linked to increased chances of getting many types of cancer. Alcohol use is normalized by its depiction in TV and movies, but you have to realize there is a lobby behind this just like the tobacco lobby that used to claim smoking is good for your health. The truth is that alcohol is quite toxic and never solves any problems. It only causes more problems.
That sucks 😔. It’s normal to feel the way you feel, but counterproductive to use booze not to process it.
Good for you putting yourself out there.
Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism. It’s actually a depressant so whilst it removes your inhibitions and allows you to focus on other things for a while it overall makes you more down.
Its best to deal with it sober. Drinking will only help you to dwell on the experiences for way longer than you should. I’d personally only use it as a social lubricant when appropriate. Just know that being rejected isn’t a “you” problem considering you’re at least going to the gym for what I assume is your health. Keep going with life experiencing it the way you want and eventually you might run into the right girl for you.
I have, I think, a pretty healthy relationship with alcohol.
And I think that a very big part of that is because I have a very hard rule that I don’t drink unless I’m already in a good place mentally. If I’m angry, sad, anxious, etc. or even just bored I don’t drink.
Alcohol is a depressant, at best all it’s doing is emotionally numbing you so you’re not processing those negative emotions well.
And at worst, you’re conditioning yourself to associate those negative emotions with the reward of alcohol. Your brain will end up sabotaging yourself to give you an excuse to have a drink.
A very good friend of mine is a recovering alcoholic. It was a huge breakthrough when he figured that out about himself. He describes it as “a lethal case of the fuck-its.” His brain would lead him down all kinds of dark places because it was looking for an excuse to drink.
And look, after I’ve had a shitty day, I like to have a drink sometimes. There is a very important mental shift that happens there though. I’m not drinking because I’m having a shitty day. I’m having a drink because I have switched gears, the shitty part of my day is behind me, and I’m onto the good part of my day.
And this is important, it’s not the good part of my day because I get to drink. Drinking is not an activity to look forward to by itself. It is a bonus add-on to whatever else you’re doing. It’s like popcorn at the movies. You don’t get excited by the prospect of going out to eat popcorn, you get excited by going out to see a movie, and the fact that there’s popcorn to snack on while you watch it just makes the experience better.
If the whole activity was to just go sit in the dark by yourself eating popcorn, that sounds pretty damn depressing, doesn’t it? Same with having a beer. Drinking is an add-on to hanging out with your friends, or having dinner, or going to a sports game, etc.
Alcohol is the most destructive coping aid (by volume) in the world.
This post is a wild ride from start to finish. Bruh.
