Every day just seems to bring more problems that accumulate faster than I can fix them.
One of those problems was finding a family friend dead on his bathroom floor. He had stopped taking his medications and replaced them with Busch. He spent his last few days in a drunken stupor until his heart gave out.
What I seem to be struggling with the most is that I’m not sad that he’s gone. I’m not even angry that he gave up. I think I’m jealous that he found a way out.
I just wanted to offer condolences and let you know that complicated feelings always come after death. You see things in a distorted way as a result. You feel this way now, you won’t later. Give yourself time to grieve.
Thank you! I’m already feeling much better than yesterday. It really is hard to see through the fog when you’re in the thick of it.
That’s great to hear! I know the fog well, it always ends eventually.
Idk if this thought helps, I didn’t want you just screaming into the ether, because this is one hell of a burden to carry alone.
I understand the feeling of not knowing why you’re not sad when somebody is gone, and you know yourself better than I do (which is not at all), but, just a thought. I know for me, the reason i sometimes don’t feel sad when I lose a friend with addiction issues is because I had fully gone through the grieving process before they were actually gone.
Essentially, they were already gone in your mind.
Again, I don’t want to presume your feelings. I just wanted to offer my perspective.
All that said, I am so sorry you went through that, it is beyond traumatizing. If you’re able to, don’t spend the rest of the week alone, spend time with loved ones, or doing something you enjoy, or take rest if you need it. Losing a friend never gets easier, but we do get better at it over time.
My condolences.
Thank you. I appreciate the response. It’s really hard to identify what I’m feeling, and I don’t even know what I need to feel better, whether that be from others, or myself.
I feel a compulsion to tell people about what happened, maybe I’m just hoping that talking about it will help me figure out the situation, maybe I just really need people to tell me it’s ok and I’m shamelessly fishing for sympathy. 🤷🏻♂️
Had a similar feeling when my dad killed himself. I’ll message you when I get home in case you end up how I did (affecting me slowly without me realizing it eventually spiraling)
What comes before spiraling? A series of left turns? That might be where I’m at.
I was going to DM you but figured it might be helpful for me to post publicly. I do want to add that everyone experiences things differently so I am basing my advice off of MY experience. Some of my advice may not directly apply to you but I still hope you take something from it. What happens before spiraling can look different for each person. I am also very busy right now and writing in a hurry so I apologize if anything is confusing. Feel free to ask me any questions.
So when my father died I literally felt nothing. For years I told people I did not care. I hated when people tried to show me sympathy. I just hated all of it. The thing is it did affect me. I was still very young. I would always try really hard on my school work to impress my dad. When he died I didn’t do school work anymore. I lost all my driver. I came up with other reasons for it. It was never because of my dad’s suicide. This affected my life moving forward. This small piece slowly consumed the rest of my life.
Since I had no drive I did not graduate. School did not matter to me so I was getting high instead. At the time I liked downers because I literally did not want to experience reality. I wanted to black out. I wanted to stay blacked out. You can imagine the messes this made with my relationships with people. I wasn’t really mean or anything to people but I slowly became so self destructive it hurt everyone around me as well. I still would tell people my dad’s death didn’t affect me. I believed it too.
Watch your drive. If you aren’t doing the things you normally enjoy doing. The thing is you can tell yourself “well I am doing things”. I was playing video games. I hung out with friends. I made jokes and laughed. It was me trying to enjoy life because death was always on my mind. They were distractions. Not really what I wanted to do. I wanted to make music and do martial arts.
Go to therapy NOW even if you feel like you do not need it. If you feel fairly functional it is fair to not make weekly appointments but I would to start. If you cannot do therapy for any reason then see if you can find support groups of some kind. Preferably in person. It is good to connect with people who understand what it is like to experience these types of traumatic events. Just make sure they are people who are actively trying to heal.
Thank you so much for sharing. I really don’t have a response right now, I may later, but I at least wanted to let you know that I read it, I appreciate it, and I will take all of it to heart. Thank you, and I hope you’re feeling much better now! ❤️
I still struggle at times but I do way better these days. Took a lot of work. I wish you the best!
Well, talking about it helps you process it, so that makes a lot of sense imo. I think it’s extremely human to seek sympathy in situations like this as well.
I wish there were a ‘feel better’ button, but sometimes you just gotta feel your feelings and ask for support when you need it. Listen to some sad music, have a good cry if you’re able to so you can take advantage of the chemicals it releases.
Wow, so sorry to hear that! Condolences.
Life is what we make it, IMHO. I hope you can comfort yourself for being the helper person your community needed.
Please continue to care for yourself, there is yet more good that you can do in this world ❤️
I have not had an experience like that but I can 100% understand your feeling. I feel like im becoming weaker. Like if everything went back to a decent situation im not sure I could still handle it.
If I found myself in a decent situation, I’d probably on the lookout for the inevitable BIGGER disaster to slap me back in place.
that to.
