Zorothamya [she/her]

  • 0 Posts
  • 51 Comments
Joined 7 months ago
Cake day: September 8th, 2024
  • Zorothamya [she/her]@hexbear.nettotraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•Trans Megathread from January 27th, 2024 to February 2nd, 2024English
    16·
    2 months ago

    Last mega I asked about feeling out potential allies. I finally just asked my sister directly what her opinion was about queer people. To throw her off of any suspicions however I immediately followed it by asking her what she thinks about the war in Palestine, to make it look like I was just trying to find out about her general political views. I stuttered in the first question, but I still think I nailed it.

    She said “Good. I have no problem with them”, and to the second question she said that she wasn’t informed enough to have an opinion about it.

    It doesn’t say much, but at least I know she isn’t a right wing freak (though I did know that already, because if she were she would be constantly talking about it).

    I guess the only way to really know is to come out to her and hope for the best.

  • Zorothamya [she/her]@hexbear.nettotraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•Trans Megathread from January 20th, 2024 to January 26th, 2024English
    2·
    2 months ago

    This comment I have written underneath doesn’t add anything, I just wanted to share my experience in regards to cis obliviousness in the past days.

    A week ago I started going out with a a lot more feminine appearance. I was in a waiting room with my sister, because we needed some documents signed. They called us up by saying “it’s the two girls’ turn now”. They said it from some meters distance, so they probably couldn’t see me properly, but it still felt great to be gendered properly in a public setting. It turned out we couldn’t go in together, so I let my sister go first and then I went in after she was done.

    Later she told me that while she was in the office she explicitly referred to me as her brother to “correct” them.

    I have also been asking her a lot about hair care, skin care and depilation. However, three days ago I asked her what shop she goes to buy cosmetics, and we then had this exchange:

    — What, like hair spray? — she shifts to a joking tone — Or are you asking about stuff like [popular lipstick brand]? Hahaha

    — Heh. — I try to meet her tone, but don’t want to outright lie or tell the truth. — I don’t know…

    There’s an awkward silence for a few seconds

    She breaks it — I don’t normally do much with cosmetics, to be honest, so I don’t have an answer.

  • Zorothamya [she/her]@hexbear.nettotraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•Trans Megathread from January 20th, 2024 to January 26th, 2024English
    13·
    2 months ago
    Me doubting whether I truly am trans

    TLWR: Just skip to the last paragraph. There is no question anyway, just my thoughts…

    I am AMAB. As a kid I wanted to be a girl. I don’t know if it was gender dysphoria or just me being affected by bullying and lack of affection. I didn’t want to play football and I always found the boys to be mean and while some of the girls were also mean, most weren’t and I envied them for how they treated each other and wanted to be a part of them. I don’t remember if there was something more to it. I would picture an imaginary friend in my head who was a girl and while we didn’t talk we understood each other as if we were the same person.

    Then puberty came and it all went away, but I began feeling a numbness. As a prepubescent kid, I was always known to be very emotional. I remember when our class was watching a movie there was a scene where a dog sacrificed itself to rescue a girl from drowning. I along with one other girl were the only people in the class who cried to that. And I would often cry when I discovered how terrible the world is for other people. But now I struggled to feel. I rarely was sad or happy and I never showed affection to people and had very few, if any, friends. And whenever someone suffered I would try to suppress my empathy because there was no way for me to deal with those emotions. Once in a while however I would when alone have outbursts of extreme sadness, crying at the intense loneliness I suddenly became aware of and the emptiness I felt. It never lasted long however and I would soon suppress it again in order to live my life, because there was nothing I could do about those emotions. This entire period I did not think about gender.

    The one thing I can say for sure is that I never was attached to my maleness, the only good things I appreciated about being born male was not having to deal with periods, and the immense strength I had without exercising.

    Some months ago I started wondering «What if I am a woman?». In the days that followed I then had a dream while sleeping where I saw a version of my self but a lot more feminine looking. I did not feel repelled, it felt natural. I also added she/her to my pronouns in social media to experiment, but nothing ever came of that because people don’t talk about me.

    Some days ago I decided to shave all my facial hair and pluck my eyebrows and shave my arms and hands. Combined with my already long hair, it made my face androgynous looking and I could glimpse a woman looking back at me from the mirror and it filled me with joy. That day I went out in public looking like that with my sister (who didn’t question me about my change in appearance). I remember it made me feel good, I was smiling the whole day through and while I got some weird looks I felt protected with my sister by my side (though to be honest I passed in front of a church where a funeral was going on, with the biggest grin ever on my face, so kind of expected to get weird looks XD).

    When I came home, I realized «I think I am a woman.». That realization filled me with so much joy I couldn’t focus. And I was filled with a drive to live and to act. I was the happiest I had ever been in the past years. I was in bliss. I actually wrote the date down, because I felt like on that day I was born again the way I was meant to be. I could feel again. Although I couldn’t cry it was because, despite wanting to cry every few minutes, within a second I would be euphoric again, before any tears could even be formed. I also began feeling a lot more affection for people. My most used emojis began to be hearts and 🫂. And I also began attributing a lot of what I had felt in the past to gender dysphoria.

    Now however days have passed since then, and I feel this numbness again. My facial hair is growing back and I no longer see a woman in the mirror. I no longer can identify gender dysphoria in the past the way I did some days ago. I don’t feel gender anymore, the same way I couldn’t feel gender before the realization. Was it all just a “phase”? Maybe this is just my way to cope with not being able to live the way I am meant to live, and it will all come back when I make steps again to affirm my gender, the way I did just before the realization… I guess that’s what I have to work towards.