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2 days agoMy only regret is that they were the one that saw my early hrt months… when i first took my e pills and t-blockers. It shouldve been someone who actually cares about transfemmes and respects us…
communistlara [she/her, comrade/them]
Transgirl lesbian trying her best to live
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Joined 6 days ago
Cake day: February 18th, 2026
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Yep. Broke up with that person. They were emotionally manipulative and, at the time they asked me out, i was very vulnerable. To the point i didnt leave them when there were LOTS of red flags
i…im free. i’m free of my abusive relationship… I CAN FINALLY BE FREE
trans woes, mostly dysphoria, alcohol and t4t relationship troubles
I feel ashamed of being trans. Being maternal and motherly. Being there for my community when they need me. And its because of my partner. No, they aren’t cis, they’re enby actually… but they only transitioned socially which makes them feel “less trans”.
Yesterday (its 9am my time) i went to a distant part of my city to grab t-blockers from a transgirl that came from another country. We hung out together for 8 or so hours. I felt my heart sink when i watched the train they were in slowly take off the station… then i went to meet up with another transgirl alongside my partner. I met both these transgirls for the first time, we talked online for a while but… this was the first time i actually saw them face to face. I gave this other transgirl -the one i met up with my partner- half of the t-blockers i had.
This morning she told me she’s starting her HRT. She even posted the date in our dms. Sweet girl…
But… last night… my partner began chastising me for loving transgirls - as if i don’t love enbies. They made me feel ashamed of being trans altogether and in particular transfemme. I already have trouble accepting and loving myself… i can barely do those things while still struggling to exist every day. I’ve taken up drinking this past week, but, i stopped at the request of my partner. I feel ashamed of myself for being maternal, for fostering trans kids online and taking care of another one irl now. I feel ashamed of myself for being a bad partner, because they talk to me like i don’t do anything to support them, like i don’t love and appreciate them.
I’m hurt. Deeply hurt by everything going on in my life. I’m overworked and paid minimum wage during a staff shortage. HRT might be banned any day across the nation. In autumn i start university, which i had my application frozen due to some shenanigans around a language proficiency test. I got kicked out of one of my major support groups due to something that isn’t even in my control, thankfully some of the people there care enough that they still want to be here for me. The last time i asked my partner for emotional support i recieved a 4 minute audio file chastising me for not being appreciative of their love and support alongside a wall of text elaborating on that audio. Everything happened over the course of the last 3 weeks too. Too little time for too much.
It’s 9AM right now and i have work in 4 hours. The half-empty vodka bottle calls to me
i’m really sorry, i wish i could give you a hug or something warm to comfort you…
sad stuff about being trans spoiler
I want to hold a girl in my arms, or be held in a girl’s arms and just cry. All i want is to cry while cuddling and just scream and yell and boil with rage about the world we live in, to live while struggling just to live another day, just to get our medicine and just to be happy for a single moment in the endless misery and torture that we are subjected to as trans folk.
Then i want to relish in that i am not alone. That theres people like her that feel the same things i am, that have similar experiences to me and to cry even more knowing that im not alone. That i had never been alone but just didnt realize it from how isolated i felt from my community
My deadname is predominantly given to girls, i hated it because i associated it with what others expected me to be, what they want me to look and act like rather than what i am and who i truly am
I’ve started taking pictures of myself every month to track my progress, every end of the month i take a new picture. I started back in november so i use a pic from september as my starting point. It makes me so much happier because i can see the clear differences between the months. Sometimes i revisit old conversations from november to see my old self and how ive changted behaviourally and mentally between then and now.
For example, behaviourally, i used to hate the idea of being a parent. I don’t get along with kids as is and because i’m impatient i would’ve been an unwilling mother. But… now i foster several transgirls, taking care of them long-distance and i have one girl that i’m able to help with their hrt journey in real life now. To me, now, there isn’t a greater joy than watching my girls bud and bloom like flowers. After all, looking at a plant is pretty but watering it, taking care of it, etc. and being rewarded with a beautiful blossom is worth so much more. And with transgirls, to me, its the most rewarding feeling to me - seeing them blossom in real time when knowing you are one of the people that was blessed with a seedling that grew into something so elegant and magnificent feels magical
To the trans person looking at this, scrolling on that phone in bed, rotting like me:
We’re here. At least, i am. You aren’t alone. The world’s a scary place and you feel alone. That’s natural, comes with feeling so isolated. It’s going to be okay, we can be lonely together <3
We have to live in spite, to hold onto one another, not lose one another
We lost far too many people as is, we should take care of eachother wherever we can, however we can
Well, someone has to live and help whoever she can to alleviate her friends. T blockers are hard to come by, anything other than pills are insanely expensive too. Having to import medication due to artificially low supply and high costs is demoralizing but hey i get to meet people i’ve only spoken to online.
I know another girl in the same area. Same age, but, she’s too scared to start her hrt journey… hopefully i can get the medication delivered to her in some way
it’s barely been my third month on E… so much changed already. I felt self love, confidence, hate, sadness - all of them proper for the first time ever. unfortunately coincided with vials being harder to access nowadays, thanks a lot turkish government…
it’s a beautiful thing, to be trans… but… i wish i could do more to help my community than doing what i can in my situation
I’ve been getting into more and more different kinds of music, but, i keep coming back to stomach book and femtanyl (wow so original i know). Yeah, their content is about being trans and all that relate to it, but something in those 2 artists click to me more than, say, patricia taxxon.
I think i just dont like music that is soft and warmer. Being trans is about survival and endurance and strength against the world thats wants us shot and tortured and exterminated. Its about loving ones self and learning to accept that one’s their desired gender despite what dysphoria says.
And the cutesy warm and fuzzy tunes some artists have put me off because being trans, to me, is not warm and fuzzy. Its loud, staticy and barely intelligible. The somber tunes, to me, feel demeaning.
Just an opinion. Probably influenced by recent events back in turkey and liberating myself from my abusive partner