Credit: u/manchesterMan0098
Uhm, having someone care for you is not a “pathological mother figure”.
People need this. Men need this. Asking for care is the most normal thing a person can do.
And then if something is actually wrong, there is a therapist.
Even people who have put the work into therapy need a loving attachment figure. It’s healthy to be open and vulnerable when you need it.
Why don’t they go ask for care from other men and stop exploiting women for it?
Why do you consider such relationships inherently exploitative? Healthy relationships include women caring about men, and vice versa, in various ways.
Besides, cultural norms and stereotypes commonly prevent men from seeking emotional support and being vulnerable around other men. While it can be said that some men have built this system to begin with, those are not necessarily the same men who struggle from it, and this conflict is hard to resolve. Also, romantic relationships commonly offer the highest level of openness about someone’s feelings, and most couples are hetero, hence, women interacting with men.
I think the point being made is that often women are called upon to do emotional labour by men who are often only acquaintances who look at them as resources that should be on the cultural hook to dispense emotional intimacy. A lot of women are fed up with the gendered nature of that expectation because you have a lot of men taking of that resource but not seeing it as being something they should actively be doing too and that their lack of reciprocation and participation in that space is a problem.
The fact that cultural norms prevent men from seeking solace from other men is a problem not just because it’s root lies in a lot of homophobia but because it creates both a category of gendered work for women and isolates men from their peers. Women are often pressured into that role which means if they don’t want to perform that function for any reason they can meet resistance as that emotional intimacy can be treated or assumed as being mandatory.
Nor is it a good idea to lay all your problems at the feet of an intimate partner regardless of gender. They have a lot of investment in you generally and it is easier to talk with them but they are generally ill equipped to shoulder all of your problems because they lack emotional distance to set you right if you are going astray. They often have other investments in you as well which means they cannot always tell it to you straight because if you disagree or react poorly they might lose you or jeopardize life goals and plans.
Being approachable and available to provide support should be a genderless issue with neither automatic expectation of providing or expected coldness laid at the feet of anyone.
Sure, here I strongly agree, and I have no idea who could downvote such a statement.
It’s just that this conversation took quite a weird tangent (as in “men exploit women, why don’t you fuck off”), and I felt I should set it straight with my last comment.
Supporting your partner should absolutely be a genderless thing, and it’s not right to just leave it out to women. Women need and deserve just as much gentle care and support as men; failing to recognize that will not lead to any good.
I was mostly speaking out against the original response on the screenshot, but the original post from that same screenshot isn’t right or fair to anyone, either. Women should not be forced into the psychological support role.
All the battles you fought that day? Unless you are on the front line in Ukraine you should be able to find a more chill lifestyle.
Women: “I want a guy in touch with his feelings.”
Men: “I want a woman I can share my feelings with.”
Internet people: “Women aren’t your mommy, go see a therapist with your dumb feelings.”
Me, too moron to interact with human: “Hello kitty, wanna watch King Of the Hill again? Me too, I’ll get the blanket.”
The guy in the screenshot is not in touch with his feelings.
Yeah, in touch with your feelings != dumping your feelings out of a firehose at a partner who’s expected to just soak them all up once a week, then pretending they don’t exist the rest of the time.
I also suspect that by intimacy in this case the first guy means bangmaid
It’s a gradient, but this particular case is distasteful because the man is expecting his partner to do literally free therapy, rather than work with a professional. It’s more akin to treating your partner as an emotional dumping ground than opening up.
If this is happening in the context of a more equitable relationship, where they both take turns supporting each other, then it’s totally different, though.
It doesn’t even sound like he wants free therapy. He wants a woman to kiss him on the head and tell him what a good boy he is and how hard he worked, while ignoring any problems he might have. I don’t see a therapist’s role as “nurturing and restoring” unless you’re dating them.
Maybe he literally has no problems besides no gf?
Sorry, not sorry. If he begins this with “Men do not need a therapist.” (And many men do) And then declare that the women men need be soft and caring while verbally presenting the man as a hero who fights his daily battles… that’s just toxic bullshit as fuck.
I’m okay with somebody accepting and wanting traditional gender roles, everyone’s got their own taste in potential partners and need to find the person right for them.
But declaring what “men” need and then demanding not only traditional but toxically overblown gender roles for everyone is just… BAH! And the disapproval for therapy, or telling “men” that they don’t need therapy, only a mommy, when many of us do indeed need therapy… that’s just indicative of the most bullshit incel-alpha-baby-needs-a-mommy mindset.
If you’re a guy and in touch with your feelings (like me, for example), yes, lean on your partner if you need to and they are okay with it. If you are an emotional person, be emotional. But don’t demand or expect to just be able to vomit your shit on your partner and they being okay with it and then cleaning the corner of your mouth with a tissue… Your partner is not free therapy, do not treat them like somebody providing a service.
“all the battles he fought that day”
jesus, stop romanticizing having to deal with life dude. guess what, everyone does.
what are the odds that this guy lost his shit at the man vs bear question.
Obviously the man is better than the bear - all he wants from the woman in the woods is for her to live a life of servitude to him as his psuedo mommy, wife, child producer and lover, because he has epic Viking battles he has to deal with…. of taking the trash to the curb, and waiting in traffic to get to work, because therapy is too expensive, or feminine?
Lmao
That part got me too. All the battles? Your fucking tps reports are battles? The person at dunkin got your order wrong, is that another battle for the day?
This is that meme where the shriveled up dude says “Stop giving me your toughest battles” and Jesus just replies with something like “you literally just have to put the shopping cart back when you’re done”
“I dont need therapy, I just need to have a woman that reminds me of my mother and will fuck me”
Ok? So what’s your point?
As a guy, when I was younger, I jumped from relationship to relationship looking for that exact thing. You know what I got for my trouble? Nothing.
So, during my college years, I spent time by myself, learning how to get by and be okay with surviving without relying on anyone else. It was a farce of course because I was in school, not going to work, but it was close enough.
I got into the workforce and all of the things I forced myself to learn to be independent from literally everyone, was the pivot point where I was able to stabilize my life and start dating.
After a while I knew I didn’t want someone who needed me. I wanted someone who 100% could do everything that they needed to do on their own, but wanted me around anyways.
I found what I was looking for. I put a ring on it.
I don’t worry when she goes out in her vehicle that she bought with her own money for her own purposes, that she’s going to go find someone “better” because neither of us care about what’s “better” than whatever else. I don’t have to worry that she’ll call and say she needs money because x, y, or z. She has her own money she made, that she can spend however she wants.
We split household costs, we enjoy eachother company and we value that we aren’t relied on by the other for everything. It goes both ways.
As things have gone, the line between “mine” and “hers” has blurred to the point that, unless it’s a high dollar value item, it’s just ours. Because bothering to remember who paid for what is a waste of time and effort. Cars, yes, anything else? Probably not.
I generally agree with the caveat that having each other as a safety net of sorts has allowed my partner and I to be much more aggressive in our professional careers than we would have otherwise. While we don’t need each other we certainly enable each other because should the need arise we both know that we wouldn’t be left out to dry alone.
Agreed. Both me and my partner had need for medical leave from work, while that includes some income from the government, it’s about half of the usual amount we would earn if we were working. So, when I was out, she stepped up, when she was out, I stepped up.
That’s just what you do when things go sideways. 90% of the time or more, we’re completely independent. The time we spend together is because we want to spend that time together.
Reminds me of the book, The Missing Piece by Shel Silverstein.
No piece is going to fill you just right. Have to learn to roll on your own before you can roll with someone else.
We read this to our kid for years. Hopefully the message stuck
Interesting concept from what you’ve described.
As I take it, you’ll never find someone who perfectly makes you whole, so you have to become whole on your own before you go and find someone to partner with for life.
Grab the book from the library and read it. Even as an adult, it’s an important message. Don’t even need to check it out. Takes five minutes cover to cover.
It’s like, maybe you think you are the missing piece for someone else. You’re a pie-shaped triangle. You can’t roll on your own. So you’re looking for a circle that is missing a slice. Some you’ll be too big and won’t fit, or too small and you’ll fall out. Some will break. Some will break you. Some will neglect you. Others will put you on a pedestal.
But it you start trying to roll on your own as a triangle, and you can will yourself to just flop over one time, and then again, and then again, eventually your corners will wear down and you will become a full circle, and be able to roll all on your own.
Men can always care for each other and stop expecting women to do all the work.
Yeah this is something I’ve been trying to walk the talk about.
I joined an adults sports league and have a few friends I call almost daily on rotation (whether they want it or not lol) and I’ve started feeling a lot more fulfilled and less anxious.
Most of those friends expect my calls now, and I get questioned if I can’t make it to a practice or game. It feels good to have your presence desired, whether it’s in a romantic or platonic relationship. There’s an epidemic of men who think that that void can only be filled with a lover.
I wish everyone would follow your example
“Stop expecting women to do all the work.” All the work?
So men should be expected to do the (actual) work and the emotional work?
So what good are women? Baby ovens?
You incels are so weird.
Lol. If you only knew.
I could explain you, but your wouldn’t understand
Or we can just produce fewer of them.
Twitter is where discourse goes to die
We all need a caring person to nurture and restore our energy. This is a fundamental part of loving someone. Your parents do it when you’re young but that does not mean you stop needing it.
Both of these posters are toxic in different ways.
My dude has a point. Dudes need to figure out how to talk about their issues rather than expecting whatever woman is nearest to be their mom.
Yeah. It’s good to see men’s support groups form here and there off the internet. Some real support that isn’t baiting men into radical views.
I need therapy. I also need intimacy. Since I cannot find intimacy, I am trying to make do with therapy.
I don’t think therapy is a particularly good substitute for having loved ones you can be intimate with. Nor is relationships necessarily tools for learning to deal with every dysfunction that one could have.
It’s the exact inverse; therapy is a tool for learning how to deal with your deficiencies, while relationships are there for having loved ones you can be intimate with
¿Por qué no los dos?
Someone who would lay down in bed with me and hold me while I cry would be a tremendous help to my mental health, but a therapist would be real nice, too. Too bad it’s a five-month wait to get in to see one around here.
men dont need therapy when they have meth, coke and fent
*want
Or, y know, both? Most people need intimacy, but also if you have a problem, resolving it in therapy is a responsible and good option and we should stop the mental health stigma.
