I (24F) met a guy (37M) at a party half a year ago. He’s Japanese and I am an Indian living in Japan. We talked and exchanged socials but that was about it. After that we met in several other occasions, organized by mutual friends and a lot of times he invited me to various events too. I never really thought much about it because the age gap between us is insanely high.
A week ago he asked me if I am free and would like to go to a cafe with him. He didn’t say it was a date but i kinda think it was. This was our first opportunity to actually get to know more about each other’s personal life. I asked him about his job, he told me that he handles his parent’s real estate company and is quite rich. But he feels like his job is not very rewarding so he wants to go to abroad. I asked him if he is planning to get married so he said he feels it is still to early for him to get married. Then he asked me why i am not dating anybody yet. I told him i was too busy to date anyone but now that i have found a job, I will move to a new city and look for a suitable partner there. I am also planning to have a lot of children so I don’t want to delay it a lot. He said he also wants to have many children, but he didn’t seem bothered at all with his age being much higher than mine. Anyways, i think i made it pretty clear that i am only planning to look for a boyfriend in the city i am moving to, while he said he’s planning to stay closer to his family in this city and go abroad temporarily.
He still paid for everything that we ate and asked me out on a date again.
My question is, if he knows that I am leaving this city in two months and not planning to date anyone here, then is it safe to assume he asked me out again because he wants to sleep with me? I do not want to sleep with him, i am definitely physically attracted to him because he’s very handsome but i am a virgin and i want my first time to be with a long term partner atleast.
Is there any comfortable way to bring up this topic without making me sound like a narcissist who assumed a guy wants to sleep with her just because he asked her out🥲.
Please help me out
He never explicitly mentioned it’s a date, I didn’t see a reason of saying no to meet as friends
There you go, if your reason for going out with him is to be friends, communicate that.
(If I’m being very honest, everything you wrote above gives me the impression you like him, so maybe sit with that and make some choices)
I don’t want to assume things, i thought it’s a date but I wasn’t sure. I have all reasons to believe it’s not a date unless he specifically mentions it. He only said if i am free on Saturday, let’s grab lunch
Also from your comment it seems you’re one of those people who think men and women cannot be platonically friends
No. You’re being a poor communicator. Here and with this man. A date not explicitly being called a date is very common, you have made assumptions with this, and seem to be pushing back on most folks saying you need to communicate better. Read the room and realize you’re inexperienced.
So should I just ask him directly that why is he asking me to hangout with him one on one? What are his intentions? Will he not be offended?
Literally yes.
If he’s offended by open, clear communication, that’s a good sign you shouldn’t continue trying to be friends anyways.
Why should I not continue being friends with him and only meet on social occasions where our other mutual friends are also present, just like the old times? Breaking up a friendship over nothing?
I would say someone getting offended by you communicating openly is not “nothing”. At least it would be a problem for me.
Makes sense. I’ll try to communicate it with him respectfully
Him being offended enough for it to be a problem by you asking a clear, good faith question isn’t “over nothing”.
Yes. Clear communication is important.
Correct. He may react in any number of ways and you cannot control that. A normal healthy reaction will be an open conversation. They also might call you a bitch. They might react cool now only to try again in 2 weeks. This is part of dating unfortunately.
Very sad and bad situation
Yours? No, it’s not sad at all. Learning to communicate is a necessity.
The fact that many people are immature assholes, sure, a bit sad.
Are you calling me immature asshole?😳
I don’t think that at all, I have great friends of both genders. My point is you need to communicate with him, because you came in here thinking it was probably a date and asking us whether he wanted to sleep with you.
I came here to get advice. Isn’t that what people do in such platforms? I have specifically asked in my post, how to bring up this topic with him without sounding like a narcissist who assumed he wants to sleep with me just because he asked me out for lunch.
…
He never asked for a reason. Bringing it up myself out of nowhere would make him think I am narcissistic who assumed he’s in love with me. Or maybe I am just overthinking
Lemmy is overwhelmingly populated by men, and sometimes it really shows. They’re not wrong in saying you have to communicate, but I don’t think most of the people here fully understand what it’s like being on the other side.
I’m a woman around the same age as the guy in your story. I can see a bit of what it’s like from his point of view, but I also know what it’s like to be a young, anxious, sexually-inexperienced woman trying to navigate men’s intentions. Sometimes every step seems wrong, and overthinking tends to cloud sound judgement. It’s a shame that some people are jumping on you for trying to figure things out here, rather than dumping a purse full of anxiety onto the guy in question. I’ve been there, and I’ve been ghosted after attempting such serious conversations.
Yes, if he runs, you’ll be better off without him. But knowing that doesn’t make it easier to deal with the relevant anxiety. There’s already a lot of good advice on this thread that’s worth combing through and considering. But when it comes down to it, transparency in communication is absolutely the key. If you’re not sure what to say, or don’t feel ready for the conversation, I’d advise writing things down (privately, like on a paper you can throw out afterwards, or in an email without an address.) I don’t know you, but I know that for me, writing things out has a way of providing clarity to my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps doing so could help you find the words you mean to say, so that you’re not left floundering for the best way to explain yourself in the moment.
Feel free to message me if you feel you need someone to bounce thoughts off of. I’ve been around the track a few times and learned a lot that I wish I had known at your age.
Aside from that, I wish you luck, dear sister. Dating can be tricky, but you’re not alone.