I (24F) met a guy (37M) at a party half a year ago. He’s Japanese and I am an Indian living in Japan. We talked and exchanged socials but that was about it. After that we met in several other occasions, organized by mutual friends and a lot of times he invited me to various events too. I never really thought much about it because the age gap between us is insanely high.
A week ago he asked me if I am free and would like to go to a cafe with him. He didn’t say it was a date but i kinda think it was. This was our first opportunity to actually get to know more about each other’s personal life. I asked him about his job, he told me that he handles his parent’s real estate company and is quite rich. But he feels like his job is not very rewarding so he wants to go to abroad. I asked him if he is planning to get married so he said he feels it is still to early for him to get married. Then he asked me why i am not dating anybody yet. I told him i was too busy to date anyone but now that i have found a job, I will move to a new city and look for a suitable partner there. I am also planning to have a lot of children so I don’t want to delay it a lot. He said he also wants to have many children, but he didn’t seem bothered at all with his age being much higher than mine. Anyways, i think i made it pretty clear that i am only planning to look for a boyfriend in the city i am moving to, while he said he’s planning to stay closer to his family in this city and go abroad temporarily.
He still paid for everything that we ate and asked me out on a date again.
My question is, if he knows that I am leaving this city in two months and not planning to date anyone here, then is it safe to assume he asked me out again because he wants to sleep with me? I do not want to sleep with him, i am definitely physically attracted to him because he’s very handsome but i am a virgin and i want my first time to be with a long term partner atleast.
Is there any comfortable way to bring up this topic without making me sound like a narcissist who assumed a guy wants to sleep with her just because he asked her out🥲.
Please help me out
This age gap fails the check for me
37 / 2 = 18.5, 18.5 + 7 = 25.5
If someone that old who can’t get someone around his age, but is suddenly interested in younger people… That’s just someone preying on naivety.
Its not crazy to wonder if he wants to have a relationship even though it can only last two months. You can ask him if he considered that a date. If he says yes then you can tell him what kind of relationship you are looking for and that it wont work for you.
Is it okay to call it a relationship if it’s only two months? Wouldn’t it be like some fwb thing right?
It’s funny how people are not able to grasp why OP is concerned to be perceived as such, cultural differences I guess.
Just be safe OP, japan stalking ke liye bahut famous hai.
Thank you🥺
You work in IT?
Knowing full well you are leaving to find a man in another town, you accepted another man’s request for a date and now you want it to be platonic?
Tell me no woman talks to you without telling me no woman talks to you
I think it’s impossible to assume anything at all. With cultural, age and gender differences, it’s difficult to figure out what the intentions of another person are, unless they state them clearly. Neither you or he did that.
As a guy, I can assure you that guys do not understand subtle hints or can even logically deduce where this casual acquaintance is going from what you have already described.
You’ll need to be very clear. Maybe then he will also tell or show you his own intentions more clearly.
But first you need to know yourself what you actually want to hang out with this guy for and if it’s worthwhile maintaining the friendship for whatever reason. It makes sense if you have mutual interests or benefits from keeping in touch. However, my best guess based on your description of him offering a back massage is that he might have more romantic intentions than you. In that case it’s best for both of you to be brutally clear and end his hopes instead of “friend-zoning” him. It might feel unpleasant, but it’s crucial to be clear. If he reacts negatively, well, there’s your answer.
This can’t be judged well from afar imo.
My wife and i also got together two months before she was supposed to move to a different city. If people genuinely love each other, commuting and making things work is possible and people have done it before. In the case of my wife the different city didn’t work out after all. When we got together it started with us trying to talk ourselves out of it, because of all the reasons why it should not work. Now we are going strong since more than 5 years.
Life reality doesn’t work in terms of “now i will date and now i will find a suitable partner” or “now is not the time”. People who limit or push themselves like this end up sabotaging themselves imo.
You will have to trust your guts on this. It is set that you will move. If he is serious, he will find a solution for this. If he is that rich and he is unhappy where he lives now, there is no reason why he shouldn’t be able to make it work that you life in a different city. If he doesn’t, then it isn’t meant to be.
The age difference is an issue though in the sense that his life experience makes it easier for him to control situations and make promises not to hold up, than the other way round. This does not mean that it has to be the case. You should see to judge him by his actions, not by words.
Is there any comfortable way to bring up this topic without making me sound like a narcissist who assumed a guy wants to sleep with her just because he asked her out🥲.
I wouldn’t say you sound like a narcissist but this does sound immature. “He wants to sleep with you” and “he just wants to sleep with you” are two different things. It sounds to me that he likes you and wants to spend time with you, and maybe-probably also wants to sleep with you. Is that enough for you? It’s enough for some people, though obviously not for everyone. Either way, talk to him about it.
Pretty much everyone in this thread is being dumb. The solution to your problem is this: talk to him. Literally just pick up your phone right now and text him - “hey, when we went out for coffee, ummm… I feel awkward asking this, but, was that a date?” If he says no, apologise for assuming and continue enjoying his company as a friend. If he says yes, tell him you like him as a friend and appreciate his interest, but that you aren’t interested because you are moving to a different city.
Even with this, is sex that taboo? Can women not want to have sex before they leave a city? Or at all? I’m not talking about random sex, but even if for two months they hang out and have sex once or twice, so what. They’re adults.
Apparently sex is somewhat taboo for this woman. Whatever.
Had a very similar situation with a Jamaican girl asking me out right before she moved. Made it known at work that I was hot for her, didn’t want to press the issue with a coworker.
She hit me up! Great date! Had sex and the next time she was in town we hit it off again. We talked a lot in between but I was a mess, not a long-term bet, she very nicely broke it off and I understood.
I completely agree with this in the abstract. But OP has made it clear that she is sexually conservative and doesn’t want that, so I didn’t offer it as an option.
Is there any comfortable way to bring up this topic without making me sound like a narcissist who assumed a guy wants to sleep with her just because he asked her out🥲.
I’m less interested in knowing his motivation than I am in your motivation for saying yes and going out with him. Whatever is motivating you to go out with him, that is what you need to communicate, rather than just saying “I’m not going to sleep with you.”
He never explicitly mentioned it’s a date, I didn’t see a reason of saying no to meet as friends
There you go, if your reason for going out with him is to be friends, communicate that.
(If I’m being very honest, everything you wrote above gives me the impression you like him, so maybe sit with that and make some choices)
I don’t want to assume things, i thought it’s a date but I wasn’t sure. I have all reasons to believe it’s not a date unless he specifically mentions it. He only said if i am free on Saturday, let’s grab lunch
Also from your comment it seems you’re one of those people who think men and women cannot be platonically friends
No. You’re being a poor communicator. Here and with this man. A date not explicitly being called a date is very common, you have made assumptions with this, and seem to be pushing back on most folks saying you need to communicate better. Read the room and realize you’re inexperienced.
So should I just ask him directly that why is he asking me to hangout with him one on one? What are his intentions? Will he not be offended?
So should I just ask him directly that why is he asking me to hangout with him one on one?
Literally yes.
Will he not be offended?
If he’s offended by open, clear communication, that’s a good sign you shouldn’t continue trying to be friends anyways.
Why should I not continue being friends with him and only meet on social occasions where our other mutual friends are also present, just like the old times? Breaking up a friendship over nothing?
Yes. Clear communication is important.
Correct. He may react in any number of ways and you cannot control that. A normal healthy reaction will be an open conversation. They also might call you a bitch. They might react cool now only to try again in 2 weeks. This is part of dating unfortunately.
Very sad and bad situation
I don’t think that at all, I have great friends of both genders. My point is you need to communicate with him, because you came in here thinking it was probably a date and asking us whether he wanted to sleep with you.
I came here to get advice. Isn’t that what people do in such platforms? I have specifically asked in my post, how to bring up this topic with him without sounding like a narcissist who assumed he wants to sleep with me just because he asked me out for lunch.
if your reason for going out with him is to be friends, communicate that
…
He never asked for a reason. Bringing it up myself out of nowhere would make him think I am narcissistic who assumed he’s in love with me. Or maybe I am just overthinking
At what point can you possibly have come up with “He just wants to sleep with me”? You two went to a café, shared your current life situations and plans for the future, and left amicably. Unless youre leaving a LOT out about what he said, that is a baseless assumption.
He’s paying for every date even when I offer to split. I even mentioned I am not looking for dating in my current city because I am moving, but he still asked me out on another and also asked about the places I would like to go, he would take me.
If he’s not looking for a romantic partner, which I mentioned in the post he’s not. Why would he bother doing all this? Just for a friend?
he told me that he handles his parent’s real estate company and is quite rich
He’s paying for every date even when I offer to split
Maybe he just doesn’t want you to worry about where you go/what you order/how often you can meet him for financial reasons. I mean it’s possible that he wouldn’t say no if it came to it. Nothing wrong with that per se. But from what you said I don’t think it’s all he cares about.
I hope what you’re saying is true
You’re the only one who can find out. Also, sex is not a bad thing, it’s enjoyable, especially if you’re attracted to him. You don’t have to marry him, but enjoy yourself also.
I want to lose my virginity to a long term partner. I maybe attracted to him but i am not going to lose it in a one night stand
I didn’t see you were a virgin. That does change things.
In college I had a guy friend (I’m a guy, both of us straight) who I’d regularly go to breakfast with, and he always paid because I was very poor, he made plenty, and he wanted company for breakfast. I regularly tried to pay and he waved me off. I think he knew that if we went back and forth, we’d go to breakfast a lot less because I wouldn’t be able to afford it.
Maybe that’s what’s going on here.
I mean it’s not like you’re leading him on and you clearly said you’re not looking to date. Just go with the flow - I’m sure it’ll be fine no matter what ☺️
Thank you
He said he’s pretty well off. If he’s in a different financial situation than you he may be cognizant of that. Also, not that I need to tell you if you live there, but customs in Japan are all kinds of weird. That could be related too.
Yes, he is her senior by quite a bit. He would be compelled to pay under these circumstances.
I’m American and we dont have such strict cultural roles, but at 37, I would have absolutely treated my much younger friends or coworkers in any 1 on 1 situation that I initiated.
I understand
Seems possible.
But the answer might be highly culturally dependent, and also contingent on a tonne of extra context, so you’re probably not going to get a reliable answer from the internet.
You could try asking him his intentions directly. Or telling him that you’re not interested.
As a happily married 39 year old I look at the modern dating scene with horror. I think that he probably doesn’t “just” want to sleep with you, he probably just likes having someone like you in his life. People can be complex, we construct these binaries that simplify things, reality is more complicated. If you enjoy hanging out with a person, do that. Don’t lead him on just to get to go on nice dates, and also be aware that he might be a pig that does just want to sleep with you. Maybe he mentioned going on trips to try to entice you into a relationship. Don’t get into a position where you feel like you owe him anything.
The age difference is pretty big but there’s a lot of loneliness in the world. So maybe talk to your mutual friends, does he have a history of chasing younger women?
Wanting to sleep with someone doesn’t make them a pig. Insisting on it does.
It’s weird how quickly lemmy shifts from communist revolutionaries to tradwives as soon as casual sex is brought up.
It’s because nobody on lemmy ever has sex
50:50 asexuals and incels. The asexuals are nicer, but the incels make better memes.
Thank you very much! He never asked me to go on a trip with him and honestly I would say no if he did. He offered to pay but I offered to split the bill. When he refused, I bought dessert for both of us, I hope that made it atleast subtle that I am not trying to use him for his money, in any way
Might sound like a crazy take, but if you just make sure you (only) do what you want and are clear about your intentions towards him, you should be fine.
If you want to have a drink from some casual company until you leave - do that.
If you want some steamy sexy time for one night and then leave - again, do that.
If you really like the guy and might actually consider some sort of longer relationship - guess what, do that.
Just be clear and honest, towards him and yourself. That way he can decide what he wants from you.
And as all engineers know: assumption is the mother of all f*ck-ups, so avoid those at all cost.
I totally understand your point!! But in the past, it has happened quite often with my Japanese friends that they assumed I am giving them hint that I want to sleep with them, only because I gave them a goodbye hug. All of these guys were closer to my age. But I do that to all of my friends from every nationality regardless of gender. I stopped doing that with any japanese friends tho, including this guy, I just shaked his hand and said goodbye.
Maybe I missed something but nowhere in this discussion do you mention whether you want to sleep with him? Even when people sort of prompted you.
If you fancy him, take it to the next level. I imagine he’s keeping it light for plausible deniability in case nothing happens or he gets rejected.
Either make a move or tell him you’re not interested in a relationship. Figure out your own intentions instead of trying to mindread him.
I have clearly mentioned in the post that I don’t want to sleep with him, I am a virgin and want to save my first time for a long term relationship
What makes you think your assumed “long term relationship” will actually last?
Even if it doesn’t last, i would prefer it over losing it in a one night stand. Hope that helps
13 years is a significant age gap for someone in their mid twenties.
I am certain he wants to have sex with you, wether or not he is thinking about a long term relationship, I have no insights.
It could be that he is not thinking about that. You are pretty vague on when you are relocating, so maybe he thinks that if the two of you work out, than you will stay.
there seems to be alot of these posts on reddit too, the age gaps are significant, like 10-17years+, and always ends up being in an abusive situation.
Yeah.
When you are 30+ a 10+ age gap is not as significant.
i knew a former co-worker in another job, who was 17year old her senior, granted she was 28-29 at the time. and of course the mom was pissed, because the woman told me the mom said the guy was ALMOST as old as she was.(the mom had her kids very young). i dint push anything, but he doesnt seem like he was controlling to her.
I am not familiar with either culture, but I’d guess that he does.
and asked me out on a date again
Was this specifically described as a date? If so, I’d suggest that this is the way in to politely raise this. In fact even if it was ambiguous, it still is the way to do it: “Just so that we are both clear, although I enjoyed meeting you the other night, I don’t want to take things any further than these casual meetings.” or similar. I’m assuming that you did enjoy it - or you wouldn’t be considering another one.
You could restate that you will soon be moving (people can be incredibly selective about what they take in and what they don’t) if you want to - although you shouldn’t need to give a reason if you don’t want to.
