You know how everyone always talks about their what they’d do if they could have a wish come true like a fairytale? I remember doing that as a kid. Aladdin had just come out and everyone was talking about what they’d wish for. Million dollars was a top one. Invincibility another. Laser eyes.

But a genie gives you three wishes, and most people obsess over how to use their wishes to the fullest potential. Or… with three wishes you can wish for more mundane wishes. I wished I no longer had to poop.

But genies are tricky, you have to be specific. So instead I would need some kind of intestinal collar. A machine that obliterates any poop before it gets to the colon. It would have to be a machine, too, as I might need to remotely disable it. I don’t really want to require surgery - or another genie - to turn it off. I might need to shit in the future for personal or political purposes.

The device would require only about my life expectancy x 1.2 or 1.5 times if I really think I’ll hang in there. Nothing beyond the powers of a genie.

As you can see I really worked this all out. No more wiping poop. But I never told people about this. Maybe just wishing I didn’t have to poop.

I never told anyone about the Star Trek inspired colon zapper. If they invented one I’d probably get it installed. I’d feel pretty vindicated.