Stream of consciousness incoming. Warning: lots of blabbing and coordinating conjunctions used. I hate how I write.

Apologies, I can’t seem to put this in a spoiler tag as the copy and paste bar thing seems to be in the way of the icon. On Android you can move it but not on iOS it seems. This is a little vent about feelings I’ve been having that probably belong in a journal, but I feel like I need to talk to someone and don’t feel comfortable talking to my fellow tour mates about it or anyone from home. I haven’t spoken much to people from home, and I am actually enjoying it. I love my family, but I think we have all appreciated having some time away from each other.

Morning from Nagano. It is beautiful here. A little bit of snow. Never been in snow before. Will send pictures at the end of the trip. Most of us have fallen ill with a cold and my ear has been blocked for about a week and half. Went to the pharmacy today and they gave me some ear drops which should hopefully help. I think just being exhausted from long travel days and being sick has put me in a funk.

I downloaded Hinge unfortunately because it’s a particular time of the month. I told myself I wouldn’t download it but I did because I’m curious to see what’s out there. I kind of fancied the tour guide who is a few years older than me and single, but it was just a silly crush and there is no way in hell that he would like me back. Plus it’s a bit awkward talking to him and probably more of a “you have your life together and have done a lot of things I want to do” type of crush. I’ve been beating myself up lately because I’ve started liking people who give me intermittent reinforcement, where one minute they show some interest and the next, they’re a bit cold and distant. I’m just reminding myself that is normal for this to occur, especially given my past attachment patterns, and that doesn’t mean I haven’t “healed” or need to act on any of these feelings. I can just sit with them.

One of the first matches I got on Hinge was someone asking if I’m autistic. He said he could tell just by looking at me and that I looked like a front toed walker. I hate how easy it is for people to pick up on stuff Iike this.

The deliberating about all this is so autistic of me. I should really work those self-compassion modules my therapist assigned. I find it hard to accept myself for who I am despite not being who I want to be.

In the meantime, I am really excited to be amongst the mountains and the cold. It’s going to be -9 tomorrow. I’ve never been to the snow or in mountains so that’s cool. The tour guide also leads hikes all around the world and does snow sports and it’s kind of inspired me to take up those things. I love learning about what other people are interested in and trying those things. E.g. a girl I worked with was really into sewing which inspired me, and now I know how to patch up a hole. I definitely want to try skiing this year or next if I can afford it - I think my uni has a ski club with a lower than usual cost. Would’ve been good to ski here but of course I let my family rule my life and not do it because it’s too dangerous.

Part of me also just wants to quit uni for the year and do a working holiday in the mountains somewhere. Doing some kind of menial job in another country that’s not my retail job sounds great right now. During this trip, I’ve barely scrolled on social media, and have been in the present so much more than usual. It has been wonderful. I’ve also found myself getting more confident with navigating around and hauling luggage through busy train stations. If one can handle Shinjuku, they can handle anything. I think if I come here again, I want to visit more local towns that would benefit from tourism as opposed to being in Tokyo for half the trip. Will have to do some research.

As for the tour, I was apprehensive at first, but I’m glad I decided to go on it. I’m the youngest in the group, and I feel like I’ve learnt a lot from the others. They have all been really lovely and have been great to travel with. Hoping none are in this thread because there are a few Aussies and I have been way too specific. One of them wants to do a reunion trip this time next year so hopefully that makes it out of the chat! I now have a travel bug and will be saving up for the next trip! Oops. Sorry Mum, I guess I won’t be able to buy a house then…