I’m early 30’s and got out of a bad relationship last year, and I’ve been going on a bunch of dates the last few months to find a kind and good partner.
I average about 2 first-dates a week, but I almost always feel a lack of chemistry and spark, the dates have almost become routine and I’m tired of the same old questions
How long have you been living in Amsterdam?
How’s your family?
How’s your job?
What are your hobbies etc. ?
Bla bla bla bla.
The times I did hit it off with a girl and it lead to follow up dates and/or a fling they asked some spicy and intimate questions and that made the conversation exciting and us connect on a deeper level.
The one girl steered the conversation to drugs, sex our experiences in therapy, childhood trauma etc. and fuck that was so engaging and fun and we hit it off. Unfortunately that only ended up in a fling and I want something more serious.
I’m not sure how to recreate that, I don’t feel super comfortable steering the convo to a sexual nature and/or deeply personal things as a guy, I don’t wana seem like a creep 🤷🏼♀️ but maybe I’m overthinking it.
Anyway how I can spice up first-date conversations?
I’m sorry I can’t answer this, not experienced enough with current dating culture. I am just really curious where people are even finding dates around the BeNeLux area, especially as a guy. Things are… a bit dire for me
Good luck BTW! That’s a lot of dates, hope you can find the one soon
Thanks I really hope to find someone too, dating sucks 😅
Most of my dates are from Breeze and Hinge, I put in good amount of effort the last ~8 months to get good pictures.
And had some of my girl-friends curate my profile and pick pictures and prompts that they think girls would like to see.
Us guys are often clueless with these things, and what I used to think are bad pictures turned out to actually work the best.
I also don’t chit chat, once I match with someone, I have some playful banter, ~6 messages back and forth, and then I arrange to grab drinks.
I also meet some people IRL, by having friends introduce us or organizing a get together in a park or something, but those take more effort and don’t happen as frequently.
Trick here is you need to volunteer something spicy first to lay the foundation that it’s safe to be spicy.
If you come out of the gate with spicy questions without calibrating what spicy is, expect plain answers regardless of the quality of the questions.
Relatively low hanging fruit is to get them to weigh in on a disagreement with two spicy sides… if it’s framed as being between you and someone you respect already, and you volunteer your own spicy take, that provides the safety for the other person to get involved
Ah that’s the best tip I’ve seen here thanks, allow them the choice to lead it more spicy or not.
If they’re comfortable with more spicy they might pick that route
Some times I’d just ask “so what do you do for fun?”, and then follow up. People usually like talking about their interests. I don’t care nearly so much about their work and family. If they’re huge into metal, or play football in a rec league, I want to know.
If you’re lucky, one of their funs will be something you can talk about.
Same, I already do that, but that’s not spicy. I’d have those same conversations with a colleague at work
I would recommend sticking with that strategy and working on it. Going too “spicy” too soon is risky, and doesn’t really pay off better than finding someone who clicks with you on medium heat topics like “you saw Caroline rose play?? How was it?”
My girlfriend says that it’s often more about flow than content. A well executed conversation about a common topic will go farther than an awkward foray into “so you ever done coke?”
I specifically made this post because I’m keen to experiment with more risky topics, if it doesn’t work then I’ll adjust or go back to more tame things.
I’m fine not playing it safe, if that puts some people off, that’s fine, I’ve had dates like that in the past and they were great, so want to recreate that.
I obviously don’t want to do this “an awkward foray into “so you ever done coke?”” this whole post is about finding a way to bring up topics you wouldn’t talk about at work, but in a natural or not awkward way. Dates of mine have done this, so it’s possible, and I’ll like to figure out how
When in doubt, sing I’m a little teapot.
I sang that to a woman 30 years ago. She has been my wife for the last 25 years.
What are the last 5 things you looked at on Wikipedia? If they say I don’t use wiki, you can run from them.
“You have beautiful eyes…”
(Response doesn’t matter)
“May I have them?”“You have such a nice face”
(Response doesn’t matter)
“I’d love to wear it”Certainly will be a conversation to remember
Your perfect date:
Just go completely unhinged. Instead of basic, boilerplate stuff, ask questions like, “What does your hair taste like?” “How many days has it been since your last rectal exam?” or, “Would you mind if I photoshopped my face onto yours in all your family photos?”
If they don’t respond positively, they’re not the one for you, and you should move on.
One of my favorite fedi folks, @alice@lgbtqia.space, uses getting to know you questions for bot detection. They use the hashtag #CAPTCHAlice and have all their questions on a website here: https://bunnyalice.com/ . I suspect you’ll find a lot of good questions to spice up your first date there.
I would start with the most boring topic, i think we undersestimate them how spicy they can be :
- The weather is sunny.
- yes it is.
- i love sunny day.
- mee too.
just enjoy quietly the sun and sip your beer.
Joke aside, i don’t have any good advice, but i love imagining boring conversation.
I believe it depend on the flow. Some people like bold statement, other prefer the long game. Some hate spicy, some love spicy…but what matter is listening to them and that’s the most difficult part because we don’t tell things directly, like you do for spicy thing. That’s a mess. I like telling them wild things, i also enjoy those kind of conversation.
However it depends on the mood and how open at the moment they are. It can completly destroy the dating and our ego.
I think you would have highter chance in some place. For example, people on tinder or okcupid or bubble or wyld don’t have the same profil. They are quite different and the cashgrab algorithm work differently.
Same for coffee, bar, restorant, voluntering work…we go to certain place where we fell the most comfortable. What i’m trying to say, maybe it depends on where you meet them or contact them. At least, that’s what i understood. maybe i’m wrong, dunno.
Honnestly, you should tell them directly, we have only one life, so let’s play :
“Would you be confortable if i tell you a story like that ? I love those kind of conversation.”
Or maybe you are tied to a past experience and finding the same kind of interaction will be very hard. So you will be never sastified and later you will enjoy other side that you haven’t noticed before.
“Oversharing” has been shown to actually make people more comfortable with you. You don’t want over do it but telling an embarrassing or wild story from your past would work. Obviously, you’ll want to work it into the conversation as naturally as possible. And tell it with confidence—not bragging but not sheepishly.
I’ve found that the best way to really get to know someone is to work on a task or project with them. Escape rooms are good entertainment form of this. Doing a volunteer date would be good, too, but might be weird for a first date.
I always went for possible shared life experiences, and went from there. For example, “Hey, have you been to the Rijksmuseum lately?”. You can follow that up with questions about their favorite piece, what they thought about it, how it made them feel, etc. You can guide the conversation with any other possible experiences (bike rides, theatre, etc). I avoid movies, tv, or anything else that involves the person just sitting at home. You want to avoid date conversation that sounds and feels like a job interview.
PS: Sometimes you just don’t click with someone, no matter how hard you try to start a conversation.
I already do that, but that’s not spicy. I’d have those same conversations with a colleague at work
I think I didn’t communicate the conversation progression well. You start with the innocuous shared experience and use it to navigate towards the more spicy subject matters. Jumping head first into stuff like childhood trauma, unprompted, can be cringe and very off putting. It also can pressure people into making stuff up to entertain what is essentially a stranger.
Yea sure of course I won’t just start off spicy, but transitioning into spicy is what I’m not yet sure how to do
