I was talking with someone today and realized I did something I do quite often that might be a trait that gets me into trouble: I boldly state my preference for (or against) something.
In this case, it was being tired of classic rock from a lifetime of overexposure. I think I offended the person, but saved it by clarifying that I’m mostly tired that there is a play list of seemingly 100-songs that have been in continual rotation for 50 years.
Anyway, it occurs to me that I’m just stating my preferences and I personally thing that’s fine and normal, but that people get personally offended if you don’t like what they like; which makes no sense to me. It’s like if you don’t like bland food, I’m not going to get offended because I can’t handle anything hotter than black pepper. It doesn’t ultimately mean anything significant.
Thoughts, ideas, suggestions?
Honestly, if someone gets butthurt if I say I don’t like certain music, that’s a them problem. People tie their identities very strongly to their music preferences and they sometimes take it as an assault on their character. What you said in this case was a valid observation and I don’t think you should assume any responsibility for their reaction.
But if you’re trying to learn to be more diplomatic, something like a simple, “eh, that’s not really my thing,” gets the point across just fine. It’s an “I” statement which avoids putting people on the defensive. Works for just about anything.
In this case, it was being tired of classic rock from a lifetime of overexposure.
I would have said something like “I mean they call it classic for a reason, but I’m burned out on the same 100 songs all the time.” That way you’re acknowledging that their preference is valid, which is what they really want. Although I actually would have monologued for twenty minutes about Blue Oyster Cult and all their awesome songs that aren’t Don’t Fear the Reaper and Godzilla.
Yeah, i could have talked about the awesome celtic folk influences on Zeppelin, or how Paint it Black is a cool example of Phrygian mode… but, yeah, i honestly don’t know if blank stares of confusion are much of an improvement.
Conversation have a flow, and sequence of performances from each participant. Saying “I’m tired of classic rock” is a stop point for the conversation. If you use this wording you are not making a space for their next response.
Instead you could consider saying something more like “I’m not really into classic rock, do you have anything else?” Or even more directly just add “Do you have anything else?” to the end of your original statement. If you close the conversation around classic rock but open a new one about another genre or a request for their other preferences the conversation can go forward.
That said, this is all masking. If you are not interested in maintaining that relationship it may be more trouble than it is worth then ending things there may work for you. If someone required that level of emotional work from my end but did not reciprocate by adopting strategies that worked with me I would feel it was pretty unfair and not really worth my time. Being flexible and kind is something that should be reciprocal, not one sided. Masking costs you something and you not masking costs them something. Meeting them half way may make sense, but it may also be pointless if they won’t actually meet you there.
Why is not liking something any more of a conversation stopper than liking something? I mean, if they don’t like classic rock, they can talk about how they don’t like classic rock, just as if they liked Charles Aznavour, we could talk about we like Charles Aznavour.
Like I have a story about getting SO sick of listening to classic rock at work and the same damn songs over and over again, that I went on Limewire or whatever it was and downloaded EVERY version of Bohemian Rhapsody I could find. I found a heavy metal version, I found an Australian Outback version, I found (of course) a bluegrass version, and (my favorite), a celtic version (Hibernian Rhapsody by De Dannan–go listen to it! It’s amazing)!
I burnt them all onto a CD and casually popped it into the boom box that played the FM classic rock radio station all day. It started with the original Queen song so nobody suspected anything was amiss. Eventually, probably by the second cover version, people got upset (because they are boring as fuck) and so they went back to the radio.
Guess what the next song we had to listen to was.
I see a little siloheutto of a man!
People have conversations to connect with others and gain comradery. Responding with a blanket “I don’t like this” statement cuts off the conversation and can make the person feel like they are being belittled or ostracized. Basically its like you are taking the conversation and throwing it in the trash.
It’s not just about your opinion, it’s about the other person’s opinion AS WELL. The goal of a conversation is not to just be direct, it’s about gaining perspective and understanding.
For example, I fucking HATE country music. I’ve grown up in an area where 99% of the radio stations are country music. My entire life has been me trying to avoid hearing country music as it is EVERYWHERE around me. If someone starts a conversation with me about country the music, the first thing I want to say is I HATE IT! But, I’ve learned to avoid doing that. Instead I ask them what is about country music they like or how long have they been a fan of it or who their favorite artists are. Something that is in line with the conversation they are having so they feel that I am engaged and connecting with them. After that, then I tell them that I fucking HATE country music and provide a few details as to why I hate it. But I always ensure I am not belittling them or their opinion when I do that, I just share my personal experience and reinforce that I am happy they enjoy country music as much a they do.
It’s not just about sharing your negative opinion on the matter, it’s about understanding the other person’s position or feelings on the matter. You can share your negative opinion, you just need to ensure you acknowledge the other person’s opinion as well.
I will say that your explanation of the same 100 classic rock songs being the reason you hate it is 100% accurate and I totally agree with you. It is an excellent point and easy to prove. So sharing that opinion isn’t a bad thing at all. But it’s really easy to derail a conversation if your response is just a negative without having engaged with the person first. Try engaging with them first so they feel like you’ve listened to their point and then gently bring your opinion into the conversation.
Why is not liking something any more of a conversation stopper than liking something?
Ever heard of “Yes, and” in the improv scene? Giving a negative without then giving an out to the other person to keep talking puts the responsibility of finding a different topic on them. Do that several times, and people get tired of finding new topics.
Often when people ask you if you like X music, you can say that no, but I like these other music styles. That opens the conversation so they can find songs in your style they like and keep the conversation flowing. If they then trash you that’s not on you tho.
And, yes, that is Peter fucking Frampton.
Reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPciCqzM8_A
After eating at Taco Bell, crampton came alive.
“I always hated that song…”
Frampton’s a cool dude. A genuine musician. Don’t hassle him for being overplayed, it wasn’t his idea.
Yes, I’m sorry to have dragged him into this discussion because he does seem like a genuinely cool dude, but there is this DELICIOUS reference to High Fidelity (which I added to a comment).
He is also not really “classic rock” by radio standards these days, at least not FM radio standards; you can probably hear him more on pop oldies stations on AM.
One of the things I’ve noticed about FM Radio classic rock is how performatively masculine it is… Frampton is very much not like that.
Hahaha 100% agreed! I like classic rock but I never enjoyed Frampton.
This is funny because I am drawn to people that just come out and say their outspoken and blunt opinions (about relatively safe topics, music is def fair game!).
I perceive it as very genuine and demonstrates comfortability/closeness.
Maybe that’s the flip side of this coin though!
People talk about things they like, partially because they trust you to open up about them and partially because they’re trying to relate. It’s not really the same as responding to bland food, (unless bland food is your special interest) what’s your favourite things, and how would you feel if someone said something derogatory or negative after you talk about them? (Not saying you did that, just that’s a better evocation of the relative emotions)
Think of it like in improv theatre. The rule of the stage in improv is, you always say, yes and… Because without saying yes and… the conversation / performance dies. It also puts all the weight on the other person to think of and introduce a new subject topic, after you disparaged their last effort (sometimes that’s how they feel). Probably the shortest way to explain it is you need to be careful not to yuck someone’s yum.
It’s not really about the topic, it’s about the person bringing it to you.
Personally I like the challenge that it is to say something nice about something I don’t like. For instance, I mostly share your opinion on music, but I could find a fun fact to pull out about a particular musician, I could find a particular talented musician to talk about, a childhood memory, something short if you don’t want to continue the conversation much, something long if you’ve found something good to branch off into. Or instead just say “cool, what do you think about *insert favourite music here”.
Personally for the music, I talk about Woking in a pub when I was younger and it ruining the songs for me, as they were played on repeat, every night. (Even though I never had a proclivity towards them)
Just think about something that gives them something to talk about after, or ask them a question about it, as it’s about getting to know them. People want to know you care about what they like, not necessarily care about the things they like too. And you want to continue the conversation, what keeps it flowing.
I usually say something generic that makes it clear the “issue” is mine like “this isn’t my vibe” or “I’m not feeling this today” or like, “I’m not sure this is my thing” just super generic, no strong conviction and an I statement. But the important part is to suggest something else, otherwise I’m just offloading my problem, it’s no one’s problem but mine if I don’t want to listen to classic rock for example so if I just tell you “I have a problem” that implies I’m expecting you to fix it. If I give you a problem, like I don’t want to listen to this, I also need to provide my own solution. “This music is just not hitting for me today, could we try some alt rock instead?” and if they agree I provide the music. I’ve never had an issue with this method and I also hate when people offload their problems onto me without providing solutions so I try to treat others how I want to be treated and cover both parts, politely stating the problem and offering a solution.
I say that it’s not my flavor of ice cream
It’s really all about how you say it. You can make it known that you dislike something without making the person feel like you’re belittling their opinion.
In that situation I think I’d say something like, “I used to be pretty into that era of music but it really got played out for me so it’s not really my jam anymore”
This shows that you have respect for the thing they like
In a conversation where we are talking about our respective preferences, I wouldn’t find such a comment offputting. Outside that context, I might wonder what you want me to do with that information. And especially when such a comment seems to come out of nowhere, it can come across as entitled or selfish in the “I’m the main character” vein.
If you can state your preference without intending to declare it superior to my preference, then I find little to criticize about it. If you don’t intend to imply that my liking what you dislike is somehow wrong, then I don’t mind.
Stating this kind of preference boldly could be interpreted as trying to be authoritative on the subject, and especially in matters of taste, your opinion is no more valid than anyone else’s, nor is it any more important. You might not intend it that way, but I could easily imagine a listener interpreting you that way.
To answer your question more directly, stating a preference somewhat tentatively or meekly can convey an appropriate amount of humility. That tends to make it safer. As with most of these situations, the more your listeners already trust you, the more boldness you can safely get away with.
I hope this helps you somehow. Peace.
Yes, I meant boldly as in baldly, as in plainly, not as in authoritatively–it is just my personal preference.
Among people who trust you, I would expect no problems. Among those who don’t (yet), I would expect a variety of interpretations, ranging from “That’s just their opinion” to “They seem to think their opinion is the only one that matters!” and “I guess since I like it and they don’t, they look down on me”.
Folks routinely conflate directness with self-importance, even though I value directness for its clarity. They often see directness as self-assuredness, then mistake that for self-importance or self-absorption. 🤷
If you are a man, please consider that you may be saying things authoritatively “by default” or without meaning to. Society teaches all of us to subconsciously give more weight to what men say, especially if they say it with any confidence.
As my grandma used to say, “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they are all shitty.” If somebody is going to get offended by yours then that is their problem.
That being said, tone matters, in my experience a lot more to neurotypicals than to we neurodivergents. Sometimes I have to rephrase something because the first way I said it came off as assholery even though I didn’t mean it that way.
It really can be as simple as not stating your opinion as fact. I’m not saying that you do, you’re not that specific about how you phrase things. But a lot of people will say about a particular movie, “It’s bad”, when what they should really say is “I don’t like it”. When you say that something other people like is bad, you’re not just criticizing the material, you’re insulting their judgment. But if you simply say that you don’t like something, well, that’s your opinion, and you don’t have to defend that at all.
I have found, for reasons I can’t explain, people respond differently to “I don’t like it” and “I don’t enjoy it”
I’m hoping to learn why this has one day, as alas yesterday and everyday before it was not the day
I often find saying that I’m not into X lands better than saying I don’t like X. It’s just an euphemism for the same thing, but it matters.
Also it’s kinda important that your preference announcement makes sense in the moment, like when someone links you a rock song, saying you’re not into rock is different than saying you don’t like the song, but that would be an appropriate moment. If you go into a bar and there’s rock background music, saying that you don’t like it feels unprompted.
If coworkers/friends are talking about going to a rock festival in a bar, it’s appropriate to say you don’t like the music if they invite you, but inserting your opinion into their planning feels like you are rejecting their plan, which again will make them take it personally. You probably aren’t against them going a bunch of days, getting hella drunk and having a good time while listening rock, you just don’t like the music.
So yeah, appropriate time (when prompted or if not saying it will result in you not enjoying yourself) and appropriate manner (soft terms and extending the answer a sentence to give a bit of context) usually helps, a lot.
Just making a tone that with friends I oftentimes intentionally use extra harsh terms because it’s funny and there’s confidence, but if not, soft terms always.
The key is to be as diplomatic as possible in just saying it’s not really your thing and then changing the subject. Especially when someone’s trying to bond by sharing their interests, the worst thing you can do is insult the things they like. If you have to, avoid any direct criticism, just make it clear that it’s your own subjective taste.
And I say this as someone who has literally built a brand on being a hater for some specific hot-buttons of mine, and even lost friendships over it. In the right setting there can be a time and place for hating, but it’s not when someone else is trying to talk about what they like. Just change the subject if you can’t say anything nice.
Yeah, I can see in the context of someone talking about how they LOVE classic rock is would be a bad move; in those cases, I keep it to myself, or talk about what I do like about it… but in the absence of knowing their preferences, I blurt out my own, because I feel like that’s part of THEM getting to know ME.
And thank you. Understanding that people are really just looking to bond over shared interests is helpful.
Even unprompted, it’s usually better to talk about the things you like rather than the things you don’t.
In this case, it’s easy to just say that you would like to listen to something else. You don’t have to justify or explain. Its better if you don’t. Music is a matter of taste. And, yes, if somone presses you for a reason why, saying you’re overexposed is plenty valid.
However, assholes exist. And some people believe that their tastes ought to be universal. Sometimes, you’ll just have to confront the fact that it isn’t about the musical choice at all.
