I have an idea for a post, some may have seen a comment of mine earlier. I’m looking for the most offensive-to-coffee-snobs approach to making coffee possible. I’m assuming something to do with instant, but from there, I don’t have many ideas.
Someone suggested reconstituting it in milk, that seems fun, any other ideas? I’m fully expecting the end result to be absolutely disgusting, for what it’s worth. I’m looking for the worst abomination possible, but it still needs to technically be coffee. Get creative, have fun with this. Whichever technique gets chosen (or multiple get combined), I’ll credit in the post I make.
I think the worst and most offensive coffee I ever drank was out of a vending machine which also served soup through the same nozzle.
To steal someone else’s reaction:
Nightmare fuel.
my theory was those machines just reused grounds over and over.
it’s hot, it’s brown.
I have fond memories of getting absolutely mournful coffee here
The original K pod, where you get Koffe, with a K.
Microwave some store bought coldbrew. Only drink that style of coffee
Turning the script. the most “elitest”
Buying an expensive esspresso machine only to never calibrate it and use pre-ground supermarket coffee.
buy pre-ground coffee. that’s guaranteed to be the worst.
thats so gourmet of you
I mean, it probably won’t taste as bad as instant but old stale pre-ground coffee from originally really nice beans gets points in the offensive category for sure.
honestly I’d rather have a decent instant coffee than use beans that have been sitting pre-ground for more than, like, a day!
That’s definitely a hot take, but respect for knowing what you like. I’ve definitely had pre-ground that was way better than any instant I’ve ever tried, but maybe I just haven’t had good instant yet.
I’ve heard (but can’t personally confirm) that it’s possible for instant coffee to be quite good.
and actually I take it back, I might not turn my nose up at pre-ground coffee over instant, like if I just want black coffee but the only instant coffee also has sugar and (dehydrated) cream.
tho who am I kidding, my sweet tooth would probably win out in that case…
I’ve heard of specialty roasters doing instant quite well, but I also can’t confirm if they’re any good or not.
instant granules sprinkled on top of ice cream, call it an affigato. Bonus points for international roast.
All of this is so unhinged that its just gonna come off as rage bait. I feel that, if you really wanna piss off a coffee snob, you’d be better off just really earnestly enjoying some extremely pedestrian coffee. Maybe Instant; Maybe one of those blueberry flavored drip brewed coffees from, like 7/11 or Wawa (make sure its not fresh); or maybe one of those bottled Dunks iced coffees; or maybe just insist you like prefer Monster and crack a 1 liter reclosable Monster can.
Like, as a coffee enjoyer, I find myself most frequently disappointed by Keurig coffee, for whatever thats worth.
the best way to piss off a coffee snob is to drink coffee like a brazillian would just buy the cheapest pre ground at the local store, make it super strong drink a whole cup with little to no sugar or sweetners as if it was water uneventfully
The one I experienced in France long ago. We had been driving through the night and were in desperate need for coffee, so we stopped at a small rest stop. Ordered coffees for all of us.
They had a large, battered metal pot on the stove, and used a soup ladle to pour the coffee into the mugs. Complete with coffee grounds. Nobody knows how long this stuff was simmering there. It could have been days. Or weeks. Or since B.C.
I like my coffee strong, but that stuff was vile.
Use an espresso machine, but keep pressing the button until it’s filled the (large) cup all the way up.
If you do it with coarsely ground beans that’s just called a sprover. It’s an actual drink that lots of coffee people enjoy. A bit of a modern trend though. But at espresso fine, that would be disgusting.
Poor some instant coffee on a plate. Spit on it then lick it up.
That’s should annoy just about everyone.
That’s gotta be instant coffee. It doesn’t taste good, super bitter, cheap, you microwave the water and then spoon on some of that dry ass shit… let’s be honest, it’s gross. Totally not an elitist thing to do. That said, i do it. And I’m not elite.
Grounds in paper filter, dunk in water, then suck on it like it’s a used teabag. Bonus points if you have a cup of water nearby to re-moisten the grounds every so often.
pour grounds directly into hot water (boil it, who even gives a fuck, but don’t you dare put a thermometer in there), pour through a fine mesh strainer, tell yourself the grit builds grit.
You don’t even have to strain it out. Just accept your gritty coffee
Too many steps. Skip the filter part - coffee grounds in mug, hot water on top. Up to you if you want to let the grounds settle at the bottom or have it extra chunky.
Skip the heat altogether. Eat it like sand. Drink cold water. Your metabolism will make the coffee
I just slurp spilled coffee out of the entrance rug at Starbucks
- eat 1/3 of a cup of grounds
- wash it down with maalox
- wait 15 minutes
- fill cup and serve
