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What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
What’s brown and red and sticky?
Another bloody stick.
What’s brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle.
I didn’t invent this but I was really proud that I ‘got’ this readers digest joke from the bathroom copy when I was 10? and it’s stuck with me.
Person A is on the elevator and Person B gets on
Person A: “You look like Helen Brown”
Person B: “You don’t look so good in black either”
Two muffins are in an oven.
One goes, “It sure is hot in here.”
The other muffin says, “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”
This is my casual go to, love freaking out as the second muffin.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
(Say it aloud.)
That really made me laugh, then I told it to my husband and had even more fun, I was crying/laughing. Thank you. XD
You’re welcome!
And based on your user photo, it looks like you have a really good cat. I thought it was important to say that.
Looks like you do too! We love our Murphy. He’s a super senior at around 20–21 years old.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no i-dear.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow to no legs?
Ground beef
What’s the difference between zombies?
Zombies make honey and zombies don’t.
Apparently I’m too stupid to get even a stupid joke.
Say “zombies” aloud and it kind of sounds like “some bees.”
Yeah, I figured it out an embarrassing amount of time later.
Never mind. Ignore me. I’m an idiot.
Q: Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'd’s in his name?
A: Because without them he’d be called Ewar Weewar.
Most of my dumb jokes don’t work in English, but here’s some that do:
- A Buddhist goes to the hot dog stall. What does he ask for? “Make me one with everything.”
- You heard about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted some space!
After handing the hot dog vendor money, the Buddhist asks for change.
The hot dog vendor replies, “Ah, but change comes from within.”
That’s a good one!
The Buddhist then pulls a gun out from beneath his robes and points it at the hot dog vendor. The vendor exclaims, ‘I thought all Buddhists were peaceful!’ The monk then says, ‘Every monk carries with him his inner piece.’
What do you call an elephant that you can only access remotely? A elephant.
It’s green and goes downhill. A skiwi.
Whenever my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.
There were two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other “do you know how to drive this thing?”
The stupidest joke I ever heard that has stuck with me for some reason:
How are Santa and a plum alike? They’re both purple, except for Santa.
What’s the difference between a duck?
It swims faster than it walks.
And the similarities:
Both feet are the same size, especially the left.
That’s the spirit! Keep trying.
Okay, I was a child of 12 or so at my local gym with a friend. We were talking and some old guy we didn’t know came up and asked us this. We stared at him, dumbfounded for a few moments before he said, “it has no legs.”
He walked away and I never saw him again.He’s wrong. The original riddle is making fun of riddles, and so has no answer. Someone, might have been the same guy, walked up to me in a grocery store, as I was looking at mangoes. And he said, “If you eat a mango every day for 75 years, you’ll live a long life.” And he walked away.
A wingspan?
Want to hear a dirty joke?
I horse fell in the mud.
Want to hear a clean joke?
A horse had a bath.
Here’s a really dumb one I made up that my husband loves for some reason.
Q: What did the leprechaun say when he was kicked in the balls?
A: Menard’s!
