“…When I am overwhelmed by the complexity of human existence, may I find solace -if only for a moment- in your excellent simplicity.”
Worry Lines, This Book is for You, from a comic about potatoes
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“Disability” is an umbrella term which encompasses physical disabilities, emotional/psychiatric disabilities, neurodivergence, intellectual/developmental disabilities, sensory disabilities, invisible disabilities, and more. You do not have to have an official diagnosis to consider yourself disabled.
Mask up, love one another, and stay alive for one more week.
Half my campus remains inaccessible to movement impaired students, I have reported the elevators not working about eight times over the last couple of months, they literally just aren’t fixing it despite saying so. Luckily the only movement impaired student on this campus won’t need to go there for at least a semester. But she’s in an actual wheelchair so she’s entirely fucked if they don’t fix this.
big sad ramblings
Someone said some really horrible things to me today that makes me want to apologize for existing and I don’t even know how to begin to process all the negative self-talk and emotions I’m experiencing from it. I feel hollowed out and empty, like I’m no good unless I’m providing something to the people around me at the expense of my own physical and mental health. There’s just a never-ending urge to say sorry for never being enough. I’ll take what they say and torture myself for a while, I guess, as I process everything, but I know I’m enough for me, that I’m okay with who I am even when they disagree and feel the need to argue and shame me for it. I’ll be okay, somehow. It’ll be okay.
Well that person is super wrong and should screw off so there’s that.
I appreciate it, I think I took psychic damage or something from the interaction but I’m better now
a little joke to lighten your mood
In true Disco Elysium fashion, I’m offering some magnesium to heal the damage
this made me chuckle
Big hug reply
Whatever possessed that person to unload these horrible things on you, you don’t deserve it. You are, like you said, enough for yourself, which is the only person that matters. You’re a good person on here too and I vehemently believe if you are kind to people you’ve never met in person, you can’t be a bad person. You will always be enough, and even if you don’t feel like it sometimes, apologizing for “not being enough” will not make you feel better but worse. You don’t need to apologize for who you are, and anyone who demands it can go fuck themselves for all I care. It’ll be okay, love, like you said. I’m sorry you have to deal with people who drag you down like this.
Thank you
I appreciate you. I’m doing a little better today, just have a bit of an emotional hangover. I’ve noticed over time that these types of people really don’t like when I’m my own person with boundaries unwilling to bend to them. I think it hurts more because it brings up a lot of insecurities and trauma that lurk under the surface from my past. Thank you again for your kindness, it means a lot.
You’re good enough. That person doesn’t know shit.
Thank you
ventures outside of a select few hexbear comms because of recent happenings
looks inside
ableism
ableist jokes against bad people are still ableist jokes, apparently this is an unpopular opinion
I don’t feel like the recent feedback session had much of an effect on the conduct on hexbear. Some people, sure, but in general, there seems to be little concern about ableist language still.
nothing will change when the admins of the site actively encourage its usage
its all for show, i guess
You’re probably right.
I’m not gonna defend the admins much, but I don’t think I’ve seen them actively encouraging ableism.
I was turned away from the pharmacy trying to get the new covid vaccine
oh goodie /s
They quoted the cdc website for the reasons why I didn’t qualify. The guy literally just googled it in front of me. If you have a ‘high-risk’ condition you might be able to still get one, supposedly.
A sedentary lifestyle counts as high risk. Just say that.
I might try again at a different location/ chain next week
That’s fucked up
There’s a new one?
Here in the States Pfizer and Moderna have released their 2025-26 vaccines after approval from our FDA to address some of the more recent variants that have already spread throughout the country. I’m not sure how available they are elsewhere.
cw suicidal ideation
I’m not often anxious but when I am the anxiety is so bad that I can’t do anything but lie in bed and think of ways to kill myself.
I’m sorry the anxiety is so devastatingly intrusive. It’s a terrible thing to have to carry around. Hope you’re doing better today, comrade
Thank you I’m doing a bit better today and hope it will be over soon. It sucks because the trigger is something I have very little control over
I hope it keeps getting better, sweet Beetle, and that the trigger will not pop up again (any time soon).
Thanks, you calling me sweet Beetle put some butterflies in my stomach haha
Sorry to hear that.
[CW: This comment discusses abelism]
spoiler
Ableism gives me a pit in my stomach, even when it’s not directed at me. I was talking with someone who described their mentally ill mother as “They’ve just turned into a (ableist slur I won’t type here)” and it left me feeling so fucking sad. There’s something about the dehumanisation that just destroys me.
same CW
lmao not me literally coming here to complain about an ableist meme bc i get that feeling too. it was the meme of ppl replying to everything they don’t care about with “big day for the unemployed” in my case
-
You’re welcome to rant, that entire sentiment is so frustrating to experience, and I’m sorry you had to see it. Solidarity to my fellow job-seekers
oh i dont have much to say aside from it being annoying and acting like unemployment is easy to get out of when you’re disabled
responding to your post
Even the surrounding language of someone ‘turning into’, implies such a negative and hurtful outlook of disability. I know it wasn’t directed at you but it sucks you had to hear it anyway.
The nd ability to turn like 30m of work into a full 4 hours (plus some pre game stress)
This is why I failed college too :/
It’s a very personal and frustrating thing to deal with, trying to force your mind to process something it’s wholeheartedly rejecting
I got my blood test results. I have a folate deficiency, which is likely what’s causing my symptoms. Probably caused by my diet as I have so many food intolerances now as a result of my cancer treatment that there are very few things I can eat without getting ill. Combined with eating less of the things I can eat because I’m always trying to make the food vouchers people give me last as long as possible as it often takes many attempts to get a response. The problem is, vitamin pills are migraine triggers for me, and the pills the doctor prescribed have given me a headache so I don’t think i can take them. Everything is impossible. I guess I’ll just have to try and eat more of the things I can eat after all.
Do you know which ingredients in the vitamin pills trigger your migraines? Is there a migraine-safe meal replacement beverage? I’ve had bad luck with such things, too, and going through trial-and-error when the “error” leads to a day or more of excruciating pain is … well, you know how it is.
There are so many Catch-22s and minefields to navigate when trying to avoid migraine triggers, and most doctors who aren’t headache specialists simply refuse to understand.
They do refuse. I spoke with the GP a few days ago when she was telling me my blood test results and telling me she was prescribing me a folate supplement. I told her about how vitamin supplements trigger my migraines and she said “Well, that’s multivitamins. This is something specific that you need.” I tried explaining that it’s not multivitamins that trigger migraines, it’s everything, even prescribed ones for specific issues but she just refused to listen. I think the only migraine safe thing is to trial and error a supplement-free diet that pretty much hits all nutritional requirements. Of course this totally depends on mutual aid continuing to come to my rescue with supermarket gift cards because even aside from the difficulties in accessing the food bank, I’ll never be able to get the items I need from the food bank. There are always so many challenges to overcome for every little thing, it’s just exhausting.
The reason she said something like that is because multivitamins specifically are a known migraine trigger, (especially for people who have moh I think) and she thinks “Oh well this is an easy water soluble one”. If the problem is specifically that they are in pill form, there are a bunch of folate supplements out there that aren’t in pill form… although I’ll be real I don’t know how good they are. She should probably know though, and it’s not great she didn’t at least air the possibility.
Like what? I know there is injectable folate but even injectable B12 gives me migraines.
I think you can get it as a liquid drop that you put in your mouth, and as a sublingual tablet (You put in under your tongue and let it dissolve). Again I don’t know the efficacy of either.
I think I’ll see if I can get an acceptable amount food wise first. Pretty much every supplement gives me a migraine.
I know a couple of good spinach recipes if you’re ever in need.
Does MOH = medicinal overuse headache here, or something else? Whoa. I never considered that and thought that the supplements that give me problems were due to other factors.
Also moh might not be your problem. It is just a thing that happens and is related to the subject. I am not saying your problem is moh.
Understood, but thanks for the disclaimer.
yep, sorry for not elaborating.
“This is something specific that you need.”
Oh, if you just tell your migraines that, I’m sure they’ll listen!
Damn, it’s good to have some answers but the solution isn’t as simple as the doc sees it, huh? I really hope you can find a way to get the nutrients you need on a regular basis. Vitamin supplements always made me unbearably nauseous so I couldn’t take them either. Hope you can find a good solution for it soon, love.
Thanks.
It does all seem so overwhelming.
Is it crass to say I called a deficiency? (Although I think I got the specific deficiency super wrong. I think I guessed b12 or b5 or something else equally wrong) They should have looked at this forever ago. You have a super restricted diet and cancer. I want to hit your doctor sometimes. But it’s nice to know that they finally did, and you now have a suspect. You should mention which pills in specific trigger migraines, if it’s a specific filler substance there might be an alternative. But you want to talk to a pharmacist about that because a doctor is unlikely to know.
I was found to have a B12 deficiency years ago, I’ve been getting B12 shots for ages. They did check my B12 level anyway and it’s really high now, 1077. So I think I’ll take a break from the B12 for a while since that gives me migraines too.
I know it seems like I ghost you a bit in some responses, but I am super duper not allowed to tell you anything that could be interpreted as encouraging you to not take a prescription so I can’t really continue down this conversational path, sorry. Even if it’s unlikely that anyone ever looks at my posts, it’s just a good habit to keep.
It’s good to know that you finally have an answer to what’s missing. Will a heightened folate intake help your hair grow back? And, do you know which foods have a high folate level?
I don’t know about the hair, but we’ll see. I know my vitamin D is also low - and that can cause hair loss - because I stopped taking the vitamin D pills I was prescribed as they were giving me headaches. These folate pills are giving me horrible headaches too, so I think I need to stop. Folate is in green veg, which tends to give me gastric disturbances, so I’ll experiment and see how much more I can eat without getting too much wind or diarrhoea. Why can’t anything just be easy? I love veg and would gladly eat a lot if it didn’t affect me badly.
Maybe the electroshock therapy can eventually help with vitamin D - seeing as it’s supposed to help you get back to walking outside. As for the green veggies, I think any mild side effect like farting might just be an acceptable trade off, but that’s something you have to know. If it leads to constipation or diarrhea, it’s no good obviously. You could (for mitigating these side effects) try to take psyllium but you need to be careful with the dosage and times of day you take it. It worked for a lot of my digestive issues, that’s why I’m recommending it.
The digestive issues depend on the amount I eat. A handful of greens, no problem. 100 grams, mild wind and slight diarrhoea. A larger amount, all night endless wind and worse diarrhoea. And mushrooms are pretty much a no-go. I’ll just try slightly increasing my veg intake until I find an acceptable amount.
Thanks for the recommendation, I’ll look into it.
Here’s to another two weeks of keeping going despite everything that comes at us. I believe in us, and I know we’ll be alright. Take care lovelies, you got this
Heck yeah
I went to the shop today and as I was outside an extremely drunk man came staggering along. He stopped, looked me up and down and got a huge grin on his face and yelled, “HA! I’ve got more money than you!” And then staggered off. I’ve never seen him before in my life, I guess I must just look really poor. It did give me a laugh though, at least.
What a ridiculous thing to say. I’m glad you could laugh about it, even though it’s still a strange thing to say (drunk or not)
It was kind of hilarious, the bloke was clearly out of it. I guess I look like a tramp though.
My migraines are adamantly opposed to letting me complete even the most low-stress, soft-deadline tasks.
That just fucking sucks. I’m sorry you’re suffering so much, love
I appreciate it. Fortunately the people I had to cancel / postpone on were understanding today, as well. There is always that fear that they won’t be, though…
let myself buy a treat for once today
Nothing wrong with that! Life is miserable, why not make it better for a moment.
yea i just have rly bad money anxiety lol
Were you able to enjoy it at least? Everyone deserves a little break now and then!
yea!
Yay!
You deserve it!
So I think something clicked and I’m finally in recovery over this relationship mess. After she blurted out her uh… escapades in the dating pool last week, it fucking broke me. But I think it’s what was needed. The final page in this chapter is now written.
After talking for way to long with my current contact in the PSL, we’ve both decided I need to take a step down from organizing as well. I think my plan was to poor everything into it but I’m in severe burnout and shutdown right now and it’s pointless for me to do so. I need to recover. I’m just not well.
Things I’ve come to accept:
- I’m too autistic for a nuclear family dynamic. There is just too much I can’t control. She is the messiest person I’ve ever known and the chaos of our living arrangement was keeping me in a state of overstimulation. The kids both being ND also don’t help with stimulation issues. Also, nuclear marriage is patriarchal bullshit anyway.
- I’m either demisexual or I was never really attracted to her on a physical level. Emotionally, I loved her unconditionally.
- She stopped loving me a long time ago, I just don’t know when. But it doesn’t matter.
- It’s only a matter of time before my partner gives up on supporting my neurodigerence.
- I need to shutdown occasionally and my partner shouldn’t stop that from happening. She did. It’s not healthy for my mental disabilities. I finally had a 3 day shutdown like 3-4 months ago. It’s been like 8 years since the last one.
- We were never compatible from the beginning. We both just settled due to attraction. She was only really attracted to me because I told her that her ex was cheating on her. That’s not how a relationship should start.
- She fucks on the first date. That is a huge red flag for me. It should have been then but I was desperate for companionship after being single for over a year at that point. Not shaming, but again, I’m probably demi. I fully support any amalgamation of post-capitalist sexuality and coupling.
- Our politics when we met were completely opposite. At the time I was Dem leaning and she war Republican leaning. This was before either of us moved to the left. I’m at least glad we both are on the left now but she might as well be a radlib for what it’s worth.
- I want someone that will at least try to be healthy. I lucked out with a pretty physical job that I currently have and try to eat clean but her diet is gonna kill her. She’s already pre-diabetic.
- I think I am best living alone. I probably want something casual if I ever find someone again. At least at first. I want to know we are compatible before going forward. But even if we start dating, I’ll probably still have my own place. I will never marry again. I actually no longer believe that state-sanctioned marriage is even right. It ties both partners to the patriarchy and capitalism. That’s some bullshit.(maybe I will do an essay on that down the road.)
- Family life has kept me from writing. A long held passion of mine. I’m taking a step back completely from organizing for the time being and will be pouring a lot of my free time into writing. I have a book I want to get done and published and at least 1 other essay idea floating around.
- I’m probably too old to find my baddy at this point but I’m gonna try to be more selective. They would need more interests in common than not. Atheist, socialist, and plant-based diet are probably the most important traits for me right now. So, I probably need to move to another part of the country lol.
I’m still unpacking this all. I joke about it but I really sort of just want someone I can hang out on the couch and watch dumb campy horror movies with here and there. The dating sites suck. I wrote about that the other day. This city isn’t welcoming for people like me.
Starting in 2026, or when I am recovered enough, I’m gonna get back into organizing. I’m done with the radlib shit. I can’t work with those people anymore. I want to start building out a cadre here so I’m gonna focus on educational events. Just not sure what that will look like yet. I have a friend who is a member and he’s got some experience. He is probably gonna take over in my stead. I also met with and talked to a young college aged socialist that is going through a Marxist foundational reading list. I think it’s the MUG list and it’s pretty similar to Cowbee’s. He seems really promising as a candidate.
I’m gonna take the rest of the year to finish getting ready to move, get moved, get settled into my new chapter in life, take a lot of time for self-care, write as much as my fingers will allow(think Kerouac on meth) and just try to start the next year refreshed and ready to go. I’m getting back on meds and will stick to them unless they affect my poetry. If they make me too happy to be sad, I’ll figure it out from there. Next book, I’m hoping to get published late next year. I have 5-8 things for it but my goal is 50 poems and then pick 30. It will be 3 parts with 10 each. And an epic piece at the end which I already have an idea for.
It’s only a matter of time before my partner gives up on supporting my neurodigerence
hnnnnng this hit me right in my being. i keep telling myself it’s probably not true but it sure feels true. ouchie
From personal experience, the only way this works for me and my partner is making enough room for the ND related things so that even if you can’t help, at least the other will have time and space to reassemble themself. It’s not perfect, but it’s been working for more than a decade by now.
Love you all!
That’s it. That’s the post.
We love you too
I’m so angry at how shitty my healthcare is. Months ago a blood test showed I have impaired kidney function. Nothing was done about it, I wasn’t told to do anything differently. During that time they’ve been prescribing me ibuprofen gel, which I’ve been using daily on my achilles tendon. This week they got my blood test results showing my kidney function is even worse, and didn’t tell me to make any changes. Just repeat the blood test in a few weeks. I’ve been googling it, and you aren’t supposed to use inbuprofen, not even the gel, if you have impaired kidney function. It makes it worse. And they’ve been prescribing it to my knowing my kidney function is impaired. And my symptoms are getting worse, I feel like I need to urinate constantly. And what’s even more infuriating, I’ve had excessive urination symptoms for several years and they just told me it was probably a just interstitial cystitis - an autoimmune bladder disease - and not to worry about it. This whole time it was my kidneys and they’ve worsened in that time. The entire medical profession is shit and should be shut down.
Screaming into the void on your behalf
This is such an easy thing to know for doctors, I can’t for the life of me imagine how they could just leave it as it is. You don’t deserve this.
Thank you. I’m so used to it though. I’ve just accepted it as the way things are. I mean, I’m angry but I know I can’t change things and I’m too tired to try.
EDIT: Just discovered through a google search that folic acid supplements can cause cystitis too! With the supplements they prescribed and the impaired kidney function, no wonder I can’t get off the toilet.
That makes a lot of sense. Urgh, it’s always the same - if nobody cares, then you have to figure it out yourself. I hope you can supplement folate via food to easen the stress on your kidneys.
Despite everything, happy cake day, sweetie
Thank you! I didn’t even know it was my cake day. That’s one whole year hexbear has been keeping me alive with food, friendship and solidarity. Thank you everyone!
