And yet when one complains “there’s nowhere other than spyware apps and bars to meet people these days,” the immediate responses are “go meet them at the gym” or “get a hobby” as if that’s still acceptable. It’s like the gen X version of boomers’ “meet them at the grocery store.”
In your defense, and as someone who never really frequented a gym, why is it tacky to hit on someone at the gym? Is it because presumably people aren’t there to socialize? Are people there to be in their own head working out and pushing themselves?
Maybe it would be fine if you had some other interaction(s) first… Like if you offered to help spot them, or how to work a machine, or offered them a spare Gatorade, or were in a workout class together, etc.
Not gonna lie I don’t go to gyms either lol, I’m not sure myself. Though tbh sometimes people do socialize there from my understanding, there’s classes people will do together like yoga and stuff, and in some of those there’s some socialization I think. And in the case of the homosexual community, apparently quite a bit, the Equinox saunas in NYC at least have a reputation of being a popular cruising spot.
As far as why I’m under the impression that you’re not supposed to, women complain about it a lot, and getting asked out anywhere else too. It seems the general consensus is the only acceptable places to directly speak to a woman without an intermediary are on hook up spyware apps and at the bar. Failing that, “get a hobby and try to make friends, then beg/hope those new friends set you up with someone.” “Go to the gym” is often still given as bad advice because it used to be acceptable but I think those must be olds behind the times or gay men, because those days are gone.
“Get a hobby” has it’s own problems, first of all it’s just as outdated as the gym (which to many is a hobby but ignore that), second it assumes you must not have any hobbies if you’re single which frankly is a baffling line of thought to me lol.
Piling on to your hobbies beef, it also implies that you’re going to have hobbies that aren’t inherently gendered. I am not trying to be sexist at all or prescriptive about which hobbies people should engage in, I’m just going to issue an observation that all of my husband’s video gaming friends are men, and 80% of the people in my gardening groups are women. He’s also into music, which is probably more mixed, but everyone I talk to about books also ends up being women… But that could also just be the genre.
I will say I may somewhat break the mold on this, I’d probably love a gardening group. Unfortunately there’s also people like me who’s (current, maybe gardening group tho good idea) hobbies aren’t conducive to meeting people at all. Like I like to walk around in the woods and take pictures of shit mostly, smoke a lil herb while I’m there. Sometimes I can meet dudes who wanna smoke but I avoid women out there because I’m no bear lol, I don’t want to freak anyone out y’know? I do also read but nobody really talks about books at all ime (irl anyway). Like if I did do the spyware apps I’m sure “what’re you reading right now” would be a good opener but like at the book store or library (where I’d actually be) seems inappropriate.
Even walking in the woods smoking/photoing, that’s a great date activity, have a botanical garden nearby that’s nature but still public and safe too which is even better, but I can’t meet them there I have to talk to someone somewhere else and be like “hey I’m going this weekend you wanna tag along” and that’s the part that is difficult when nobody wants to talk to anyone except in places where I’m not.
There are absolutely hiking groups. They’re are even hiking groups geared towards single people. I have friends that met SOs through them. Also, I think something like a book club would be most likely to be organized through another organization first (a large workplace, a Facebook group or Reddit sub geared towards a city/ county) that would start as a discussion forum and move on to in-person get-togethers.
And if you don’t come across any of those maybe you live in a small community and need to look within the next larger community. And don’t be afraid to organize it yourself. People like all those things (hiking, gardening, books). Also, re: nature and gardening, you can usually also volunteer with local nature preserves (our country has a local conservatory). Good luck out there!
Huh, I’ll check out if there’s any in my area. No go on the workplace, and I do neither the spyware dating apps nor the spyware spying apps (what else does facebook do really it’s all spying all the way down) nor reddit, I’m here partially because reddit chased me off when they killed 3rd party apps after all and lemmy dating isn’t a thing. Also tbh I have ADHD bad and have a hard time reading something unless I pick it, and even then I’m not afraid to say “nah this one’s no good” and not finish it lol, not sure I’m book club material, more “talk about the books we’re currently hyperfocused on” material haha.
I’m in a moderate city, it’s possible we have hiking groups I’m unaware of, I just hope I can find them without facebook because I do not have one, I’ll look, thanks!
Indeed, I left Reddit because it was clearly becoming another tool of manipulation. Facebook feed is very similar. I am not as politically left as a lot of Lemmy, but I am still on the left, and my Facebook feed ends up full of conservative propaganda.
Anyway, the only reason I still maintain a Facebook account is because so much of my local community/ county organizing ends up being done through Facebook. And at the end of the day, you are safer having a community than not, even if the oligarchs know who I know and what shoes I buy.
I agree with there not being anywhere else. But their suggestions isn’t “go and start hitting on random people there”, it’s “go spend time there, make friends or at least make your face familiar, then you’ll start hanging out with people or possibly date”.
If people just started hitting on anyone everywhere then most people won’t want to go to those places.
But even then (and that is how I make all of my non-work friends), I’m told it is uncouth to ask women out at these locations at all, as they just want to enjoy their hobby like everyone else, and there is legitimacy to that I completely understand that feeling and the last thing I’d want to do is make anyone uncomfortable. “But if she’s giving you signals-” or is she just being nice? Probably just being nice, safer to assume that than act on it and now everyone at the card table thinks I’m creepy and I have to find new friends.
The secret here is to not listen to the faceless crowd about never asking people out or whatever. Don’t be pushy but ultimately we have to talk to people in public if we’re sincerely interested, even if they “might” (who knows?) not want to be approached. Just have to accept if they reject, and move on.
I’m never pushy that’s for sure, always accept no for an answer. Like I said barely even give them the chance to say no cause I don’t talk to them lol.
Maybe you’re right though, I should be less hesitant. Still hate to upset people if it can be avoided though.
Don’t get me wrong, I need to take my own advice more often, but here it continues: You can’t just worry about people getting upset if you try to talk to them. If they get upset, and you didn’t even physically touch them or pressure them to do anything, it’s probably not your fault (although could reflect on what to do different next time if you want) but that’s when to just move on. People “could” get upset about anything in the world. Don’t be forever alone because of the possibility of your existence upsetting someone
People who tell you to get a hobby are only telling you step 2. Step 1 is give up.
The reason you hear “get a hobby” so often is because it works. But you’re not told how it works and why giving up first is so important. Getting a hobby works because you develop a passion and skills, which are attractive. But it also broadens your social circle. You meet more people directly, yes, but you also make new friends. Friends who might just know someone who is single and looking and perfect for you. You think you’re the only one who thinks apps and bars suck?
And the reason Step 1 is give up is because ulterior motives aren’t really a good reason to pursue a hobby, and because that shit shows. You wind up being that guy at the D&D table. Desperate at best and predatory at worst, neither of which are attractive.
If someone shows an interest or sets you up with a friend, great! But that’s no longer your goal. You’ve given up, remember? Better yourself and make more friends. You’ll be more attractive and have more opportunities.
If it doesn’t work, ok. Then some unc on the internet was wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time. But it’s clear that you’re not satisfied with the results of your current approach.
Really tbh the best part is the assumption “oh you have trouble finding a committed relationship? Must be because you literally do absolutely nothing and have no hobbies at all, you’re probably the only one who has figured out stasis.” Like what do you think I just go into a coma? Sure work and sleep takes up a good majority of my time like anyone else but then after that I simply cease to exist until my next shift?
I’m also gonna go ahead and push back on the whole “give up” thing (and don’t let me fool you, I have given up lol, but), women do not make the first move most of the time, if I expect to get any dates I’m gonna have to be the one to ask. Literally only one woman has ever asked me out (and I said yes I’d love to, and she short circuited and walked away without another word like “cool does Friday work for you” or any of the normal things you or I might say to a yes.) I have followed the “give up” advice but that doesn’t mean I’m expecting to actually find love this way, I’m expecting to die alone and get eaten by my cats, I just hope I can provide them enough sustenance they can get rescued when my neighbors start smelling my body. Not exactly romantic but it’s easier than dealing with the current dating climate (which everyone acknowledges is a nightmare until a guy says it, then he’s an incel.)
And even if you’ve given up, looking forward to that future can still make you sad, you’re still allowed to want to love and be loved, such is the human condition.
A friend of mine once told me “Just make your life awesome. Eventually some woman will notice there’s this single guy with an awesome life, and then you won’t be single anymore.” I’m still working on that.
Glad to see you continue to believe that any unmarried person must have no hobby lmao. I mean really how dumb does one have to be, you don’t have object permanence yet? Anything you can’t see is an unloaded asset waiting until you walk into the room?
Good news I guess since I’ve been assigned a hobby now, I just need to meet a woman who likes making fun of dumb people online while shitting.
What’s wrong with “get a hobby”? I mean, you shouldn’t get a hobby with the express purpose of hitting on people, but getting a hobby is a way to make friends, and making friends is the only way I’ve ever gotten dates. The odds that you’re going to hit on a stranger and they’re going to go out with you are abysmal. It’s like searching for a job. You can send out dozens of resumes, but they’re all going to get turned down, and when you finally do get a job, it’s through a friend or a recruiter you know.
A) Assumes anyone single ceases to exist when not working. It’s absolutely insane to think “no gf, must be no hobby of course.” It’s more likely one’s hobbies just haven’t led to a romantic partnership.
B) Is possibly the millineal version of gen x’s “gym” and boomers’ “grocery store,” women often say they don’t want to be asked out there either.
C) Then the advice isn’t “get a hobby,” it’s pray your friends set you up with anyone.
It depends on the hobby. The last woman I dated was somebody I met through a board-gaming group. She asked me out. If it had been a Warhammer group, though, I probably would’ve remained single.
Lmao yeah probably. Actually I have been organizing a Steve Jackson board game day with some coworkers and it’s great, but afaik there’s no groups for this game in my area. The LGS has DnD, Magic, Warhammer, and that’s it. DnD is cool but short of your situation repeating for me I wouldn’t ask anyone, it’s still the only LGS and I can’t become the resident creep, I need Munchkin expansions, and tbh I really don’t have the time for DnD rn that’s a whole thing.
And yet when one complains “there’s nowhere other than spyware apps and bars to meet people these days,” the immediate responses are “go meet them at the gym” or “get a hobby” as if that’s still acceptable. It’s like the gen X version of boomers’ “meet them at the grocery store.”
In your defense, and as someone who never really frequented a gym, why is it tacky to hit on someone at the gym? Is it because presumably people aren’t there to socialize? Are people there to be in their own head working out and pushing themselves?
Maybe it would be fine if you had some other interaction(s) first… Like if you offered to help spot them, or how to work a machine, or offered them a spare Gatorade, or were in a workout class together, etc.
Yes and yes.
Not gonna lie I don’t go to gyms either lol, I’m not sure myself. Though tbh sometimes people do socialize there from my understanding, there’s classes people will do together like yoga and stuff, and in some of those there’s some socialization I think. And in the case of the homosexual community, apparently quite a bit, the Equinox saunas in NYC at least have a reputation of being a popular cruising spot.
As far as why I’m under the impression that you’re not supposed to, women complain about it a lot, and getting asked out anywhere else too. It seems the general consensus is the only acceptable places to directly speak to a woman without an intermediary are on hook up spyware apps and at the bar. Failing that, “get a hobby and try to make friends, then beg/hope those new friends set you up with someone.” “Go to the gym” is often still given as bad advice because it used to be acceptable but I think those must be olds behind the times or gay men, because those days are gone.
“Get a hobby” has it’s own problems, first of all it’s just as outdated as the gym (which to many is a hobby but ignore that), second it assumes you must not have any hobbies if you’re single which frankly is a baffling line of thought to me lol.
Piling on to your hobbies beef, it also implies that you’re going to have hobbies that aren’t inherently gendered. I am not trying to be sexist at all or prescriptive about which hobbies people should engage in, I’m just going to issue an observation that all of my husband’s video gaming friends are men, and 80% of the people in my gardening groups are women. He’s also into music, which is probably more mixed, but everyone I talk to about books also ends up being women… But that could also just be the genre.
I will say I may somewhat break the mold on this, I’d probably love a gardening group. Unfortunately there’s also people like me who’s (current, maybe gardening group tho good idea) hobbies aren’t conducive to meeting people at all. Like I like to walk around in the woods and take pictures of shit mostly, smoke a lil herb while I’m there. Sometimes I can meet dudes who wanna smoke but I avoid women out there because I’m no bear lol, I don’t want to freak anyone out y’know? I do also read but nobody really talks about books at all ime (irl anyway). Like if I did do the spyware apps I’m sure “what’re you reading right now” would be a good opener but like at the book store or library (where I’d actually be) seems inappropriate.
Even walking in the woods smoking/photoing, that’s a great date activity, have a botanical garden nearby that’s nature but still public and safe too which is even better, but I can’t meet them there I have to talk to someone somewhere else and be like “hey I’m going this weekend you wanna tag along” and that’s the part that is difficult when nobody wants to talk to anyone except in places where I’m not.
There are absolutely hiking groups. They’re are even hiking groups geared towards single people. I have friends that met SOs through them. Also, I think something like a book club would be most likely to be organized through another organization first (a large workplace, a Facebook group or Reddit sub geared towards a city/ county) that would start as a discussion forum and move on to in-person get-togethers.
And if you don’t come across any of those maybe you live in a small community and need to look within the next larger community. And don’t be afraid to organize it yourself. People like all those things (hiking, gardening, books). Also, re: nature and gardening, you can usually also volunteer with local nature preserves (our country has a local conservatory). Good luck out there!
Huh, I’ll check out if there’s any in my area. No go on the workplace, and I do neither the spyware dating apps nor the spyware spying apps (what else does facebook do really it’s all spying all the way down) nor reddit, I’m here partially because reddit chased me off when they killed 3rd party apps after all and lemmy dating isn’t a thing. Also tbh I have ADHD bad and have a hard time reading something unless I pick it, and even then I’m not afraid to say “nah this one’s no good” and not finish it lol, not sure I’m book club material, more “talk about the books we’re currently hyperfocused on” material haha.
I’m in a moderate city, it’s possible we have hiking groups I’m unaware of, I just hope I can find them without facebook because I do not have one, I’ll look, thanks!
Indeed, I left Reddit because it was clearly becoming another tool of manipulation. Facebook feed is very similar. I am not as politically left as a lot of Lemmy, but I am still on the left, and my Facebook feed ends up full of conservative propaganda.
Anyway, the only reason I still maintain a Facebook account is because so much of my local community/ county organizing ends up being done through Facebook. And at the end of the day, you are safer having a community than not, even if the oligarchs know who I know and what shoes I buy.
I agree with there not being anywhere else. But their suggestions isn’t “go and start hitting on random people there”, it’s “go spend time there, make friends or at least make your face familiar, then you’ll start hanging out with people or possibly date”.
If people just started hitting on anyone everywhere then most people won’t want to go to those places.
In that case it might be more constructive to say “There is no place that’s good for just meeting people. You need to appear to want something else.”
But even then (and that is how I make all of my non-work friends), I’m told it is uncouth to ask women out at these locations at all, as they just want to enjoy their hobby like everyone else, and there is legitimacy to that I completely understand that feeling and the last thing I’d want to do is make anyone uncomfortable. “But if she’s giving you signals-” or is she just being nice? Probably just being nice, safer to assume that than act on it and now everyone at the card table thinks I’m creepy and I have to find new friends.
The secret here is to not listen to the faceless crowd about never asking people out or whatever. Don’t be pushy but ultimately we have to talk to people in public if we’re sincerely interested, even if they “might” (who knows?) not want to be approached. Just have to accept if they reject, and move on.
I’m never pushy that’s for sure, always accept no for an answer. Like I said barely even give them the chance to say no cause I don’t talk to them lol.
Maybe you’re right though, I should be less hesitant. Still hate to upset people if it can be avoided though.
Don’t get me wrong, I need to take my own advice more often, but here it continues: You can’t just worry about people getting upset if you try to talk to them. If they get upset, and you didn’t even physically touch them or pressure them to do anything, it’s probably not your fault (although could reflect on what to do different next time if you want) but that’s when to just move on. People “could” get upset about anything in the world. Don’t be forever alone because of the possibility of your existence upsetting someone
Fair enough lol, I’ll take a few more shots here and there!
same…
People who tell you to get a hobby are only telling you step 2. Step 1 is give up.
The reason you hear “get a hobby” so often is because it works. But you’re not told how it works and why giving up first is so important. Getting a hobby works because you develop a passion and skills, which are attractive. But it also broadens your social circle. You meet more people directly, yes, but you also make new friends. Friends who might just know someone who is single and looking and perfect for you. You think you’re the only one who thinks apps and bars suck?
And the reason Step 1 is give up is because ulterior motives aren’t really a good reason to pursue a hobby, and because that shit shows. You wind up being that guy at the D&D table. Desperate at best and predatory at worst, neither of which are attractive.
If someone shows an interest or sets you up with a friend, great! But that’s no longer your goal. You’ve given up, remember? Better yourself and make more friends. You’ll be more attractive and have more opportunities.
If it doesn’t work, ok. Then some unc on the internet was wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time. But it’s clear that you’re not satisfied with the results of your current approach.
Really tbh the best part is the assumption “oh you have trouble finding a committed relationship? Must be because you literally do absolutely nothing and have no hobbies at all, you’re probably the only one who has figured out stasis.” Like what do you think I just go into a coma? Sure work and sleep takes up a good majority of my time like anyone else but then after that I simply cease to exist until my next shift?
I’m also gonna go ahead and push back on the whole “give up” thing (and don’t let me fool you, I have given up lol, but), women do not make the first move most of the time, if I expect to get any dates I’m gonna have to be the one to ask. Literally only one woman has ever asked me out (and I said yes I’d love to, and she short circuited and walked away without another word like “cool does Friday work for you” or any of the normal things you or I might say to a yes.) I have followed the “give up” advice but that doesn’t mean I’m expecting to actually find love this way, I’m expecting to die alone and get eaten by my cats, I just hope I can provide them enough sustenance they can get rescued when my neighbors start smelling my body. Not exactly romantic but it’s easier than dealing with the current dating climate (which everyone acknowledges is a nightmare until a guy says it, then he’s an incel.)
And even if you’ve given up, looking forward to that future can still make you sad, you’re still allowed to want to love and be loved, such is the human condition.
A friend of mine once told me “Just make your life awesome. Eventually some woman will notice there’s this single guy with an awesome life, and then you won’t be single anymore.” I’m still working on that.
Damn, I feel you dude. I could have written this whole comment.
Or you could get angry and defensive and start catastrophizing, I guess. Is that fulfilling?
Get a hobby.
Already have a few. It’s how I met my wife.
Ah yes you can tell you have a hobby by the way that you wife. I, with no wife, clearly have no hobbies.
I’m gonna be real, I’m going to continue making fun of these ridiculous assumptions whether you like it or not, get used to it or block me I guess.
Glad to see you found a hobby, I suppose.
Glad to see you continue to believe that any unmarried person must have no hobby lmao. I mean really how dumb does one have to be, you don’t have object permanence yet? Anything you can’t see is an unloaded asset waiting until you walk into the room?
Good news I guess since I’ve been assigned a hobby now, I just need to meet a woman who likes making fun of dumb people online while shitting.
What’s wrong with “get a hobby”? I mean, you shouldn’t get a hobby with the express purpose of hitting on people, but getting a hobby is a way to make friends, and making friends is the only way I’ve ever gotten dates. The odds that you’re going to hit on a stranger and they’re going to go out with you are abysmal. It’s like searching for a job. You can send out dozens of resumes, but they’re all going to get turned down, and when you finally do get a job, it’s through a friend or a recruiter you know.
A) Assumes anyone single ceases to exist when not working. It’s absolutely insane to think “no gf, must be no hobby of course.” It’s more likely one’s hobbies just haven’t led to a romantic partnership.
B) Is possibly the millineal version of gen x’s “gym” and boomers’ “grocery store,” women often say they don’t want to be asked out there either.
C) Then the advice isn’t “get a hobby,” it’s pray your friends set you up with anyone.
It depends on the hobby. The last woman I dated was somebody I met through a board-gaming group. She asked me out. If it had been a Warhammer group, though, I probably would’ve remained single.
Lmao yeah probably. Actually I have been organizing a Steve Jackson board game day with some coworkers and it’s great, but afaik there’s no groups for this game in my area. The LGS has DnD, Magic, Warhammer, and that’s it. DnD is cool but short of your situation repeating for me I wouldn’t ask anyone, it’s still the only LGS and I can’t become the resident creep, I need Munchkin expansions, and tbh I really don’t have the time for DnD rn that’s a whole thing.