Visited a girl at her home, 3rd date, we got to talking and I shared my trauma of my previous relationship with a borderline girl 10 year prior that fucked me up. She listened and was super supportive. Helped me a lot talking with her about it. But she also said, right after, that she could not date me anymore. Got the ambivalent feeling sharing had helped me move on from some things, but also ruined our chances somehow. I don’t regret it. Just how it is.
I’ve had things like this happen too. I learned to stop sharing pretty early on. Getting laid regularly does a lot more for my state of mind than getting trauma off my chest. Fortunately I’m older now and have good friends who I can open up to about anything if I need to.
That’s a heartbreaking lesson to take away from this. My relationships with men have always been stronger for being vulnerable with each other. I’m glad you have friends that you can open up to <3
Just from the comments I read of yours you seem like you’re one of the rare safe people. Thanks for being cool too the people in your life
<3 thank you for saying so, I really try.
It is what it is. I don’t really blame them because I don’t think they were intentionally doing it to be cruel, it just happened, I can’t control what turns me on or off either. It’s just frustrating that it happened often enough that it’s something I have to think about.
My guess is it was less about the fact. you shared, or what you shared, but the timing (very early in getting to know you) of it?
Oh man… What an asshole she is
Would it have been better if she tried to force a relationship she knew wasn’t going to work?
Is it not enough that she was supportive and honest?
Men are told to open up about their feelings, but are then rendered unsexy once they do. I’ve had it happen to me, my friends have had it happen to them. It’s a thing.
I’m not denying it happens. Personally, I’d rather have someone be honest about not being the right partner for me than to pretend and break both of our hearts later when the relationship inevitably crashes and burns.
Being supportive and honest is better overall.
Dating is tricky and it’s very individualistic. You’re not dating women as a group, you’re trying to find a partner. And hopefully that partner is empathetic and caring and supportive and ready for a relationship at the same time you are.
Yeah I know and agree. I said that she was an asshole because she didn’t fight the knee-jerk reaction that I’ve seen many women demonstrate at the sight of a “weak” man.
You’d think that, after feminist discourse being mainstream for a decade plus now, men would feel safer about sharing their traumas. But here we are.
For the record, I call myself a feminist and don’t think that she should’ve pretended anything. But in the same way men have expectations on women that we should know to question and overcome, so should women.
This has happened to me twice. It’s not always a kneejerk reaction. Sometimes those feelings just go away and they don’t come back. We tried staying together and working on it but it just didn’t work out. They were actually fine with the sexless state of things, it was me that had a problem with it.
She listened and was super supportive. Helped me a lot talking with her about it. But she also said, right after, that she could not date me anymore.
What knee jerk reaction? She was supportive and helped him.
She didn’t owe him a relationship because he opened up to her. She owed him respect and support which she gave.
I think both her and OP wanted to get more intimate than just friends, something that the woman in question changed her mind on once OP showed some weakness.
Nah, sharing is good. The moment though… that’s not the right moment. Meeting phase, fun phase, flirty phase, sharing phase, fun phase, flirty phase, saucy phase. There needs to be a couple eras between exposing emotional damage and saucy times.
Unless you’re just going for saucy times, then there’s no need to unearth the damage set expatations and have a good time for a while.
Very fair points, I just don’t see any assholes in this story. Just people trying to date and relate to each other and not being a good fit or putting their foot in their mouth. Intentions seem good even if it didn’t end super well was the only point I tried to make.
That’s totally fair.
Literally everyone has some kind of shitty trauma in their past. If someone refuse to date anyone who speaks about theirs, they’re a shitty human being. It’s not supportive to do that to people, and if she gave a shit about honesty she would be up front about her hangups instead of nodding and smiling then dumping someone. That behavior reflects a lack of empathy, which is a crucial trait for being actually supportive and honest.
No one is entitled to a relationship. They are owed respect and kindness.
No one is entitled to a relationship.
I didn’t say anyone was.
They are owed respect and kindness.
Those are the very things the lady in this situation failed to show. If someone having trauma in their past and so much as speaking about it is enough to make her not want to date them, and she just lets them go on and on about it like she’s their therapist only to dump them after, that’s not respectful or kind at all. That’s a sign of someone addicted to having a steady stream of people to date and reject for petty reasons.
She listened and was super supportive. Helped me a lot talking with her about it. But she also said, right after, that she could not date me anymore. Got the ambivalent feeling sharing had helped me move on from some things, but also ruined our chances somehow. I don’t regret it. Just how it is.
The OP commenter said she listened and was super supportive. That she helped him move on from some of those traumas. That he doesn’t regret talking to her.
She didn’t owe him a relationship. She did extend kindness and an open ear.
Christ, the gymnastics you’re going through to exonerate her of any responsibility to act like a decent human being, to maybe avoid taking a massive shit on someone else’s feelings.
Twisting this to make her out to be some kind of good person for this is outright disgusting. I hope, for the good of humanity, that you don’t date.
May I advise doing the exact opposite?
It’s going to be hard for him to share his trauma if he’s still panting.
If all the sharing is done before all the panting, the waiting can be skipped and the parts involved can go straight to the orgasms.
My childhood trauma is opening up to my parents about anything and then it being used against me. So I think I’m good, thanks.
Ah, the old classics.
And in my experience, this can even be the case with good intentions, where someone talks about you being genuinely upset, frames it badly, and patriarchal bullshit results in you being taken less seriously as a man as a result.
Trust me. It was intentional.
Oh, don’t worry. As someone with a shit parent, I didn’t doubt your experience for a second. I was just expanding on it a bit.
But I get why you thought I might have.
IME when you have these kinds of discussions with people who didn’t have shit parents or bad experiences, they tend to not get it, make excuses, or minimise what you experienced or are experiencing.
I’ve been learning a lot about covert narcissism and it explains exactly why my life has been in shambles for the past 3 decades and never seems to get better.
Sucks doesn’t it? But we’re still chugging along, despite carrying that extra weight all these years. That is something to be proud of. Other people might not see or understand that extra weight you’re carrying, but you know you’re carrying it. You’re stronger than other people realise.
I hope you’ve learnt to be kinder to yourself, forgive yourself, and remember to keep breathing.
For what it’s worth, you can have an internet hug from me. I wish you luck.
Hearing the mildly traumatic event you told your mom about increase in scale with every phonecall your mom makes that day
Jokes on her. I don’t remember most of it
What you no longer know can’t hurt you (anymore).
That’s not how CPTSD works.
I don’t remember much if at all.
But I was watching a news piece about Jimmy Savile, and suddenly started crying inconsolably. Even if I watched Jim’ll Fix It as a kid, that’s not a normal reaction.
It really sucks that you only realise how much childhood trauma has affected you, as you become older. I honestly don’t know what to do with it. Therapy’s too expensive and can be hit and miss.
I suppose the trick is to keep breathing and remember we’ll all soon be dead and forgotten, so nothing really matters that much anyway.
Same, but for me there are certain types of people and smells that put me extremely on edge for no logical reason. Any loud noise or actual aggressive language puts me into fight-or-flight mode. I don’t hyperventilate, but I start to babble, and I have a very hard time with people showing interest in me romantically or even just touching me.
I have a very hard time with people showing interest in me romantically or even just touching me.
Same. Really hindered me in life.
I try not to be too angry at myself.
I do my best.
I’m a bit beyond the point of beating myself up or lashing out. Currently living alone for the first time in my life (I’m not a young man mind you) and each day is a bit of discovery and introspection.
I have bad days and bad habits but therapy and aweness helps keep things in perspective. It’s hard to explain to people the point I’m at. I don’t consider myself depressed. I’d say I’m re-discovering myself while also trying not to fall into the full escape of solitude.
It’s generally nice, though really ‘healing’ I think, requires some discomfort. So no, not beating myself up. Not angry these days. I’m just trying to be a brave little guy when I need to be.
best of luck on your journey too.
Sounds like you’re on the right track. Best of luck to you too.
For what its worth, I can offer an e-hug, if you’d like.
And a hug back, for if or when you find you need it.
I’m banking it, I probably will at some point =)
Why does the cartoon dog lady make my peepee feel funny
I’m sorry, you’re a furry now.
Don’t be sorry, ive been a furry for a while now.
Woof!
Settle down Dean Pelton.
r/LetGirlsHaveFun is leaking and it’s great
Damn we don’t have a comm like that on Lemmy apparently
Thanks for the recommendation, heheh
!femcelmemes@lemmy.blahaj.zone might be close
Doesn’t match the vibe really IMO
I hadn’t stumbled across LetGirlsHaveFun when I was still on reddit, so it was a little bit of an educated guess lol
I’d happily join and contribute to a community like that though!
I feel like you’d be a champ contributor to a sub like that.
I’ll take that as a compliment haha. The fediverse really could use more ladies and more ladies having fun!
I absolutely mean it as a compliment :D I’ve seen you around here since I joined and I think you’re a great voice to have here. You make great contributions.
That’s really sweet, thank you so much <3 <3
It’s a little rough around the edges here sometimes! Comments like yours really make my day!
Be the change you want to see in this world.
I didnt know what that was so I went to check and Ive been horny the rest of the day and had a wet dream about a woman dominating me and talking about trauma, so yeah
Oh I saw that meme on there recently and even saved it TwT
The power move counter to this is you trauma dump before sexy time, and then, if they help you through it, then have the sexy time.
You’re gonna be naked, bare your body.
Why not also bare your inner self?
I feel like this only works if you’re a woman, but yeah. Decent way to vet a dude’s empathy capabilities
… I am a man and I have successfully done this more than once.
Not like, out of the blue, first date hookup kind of thing. More like… we’ve at least been dating for a few weeks, more like months usually, kind of thing.
Sometimes, it ends up with just comforting, no sexy time, just … more or less bonding time.
But, sometimes, it does end up with sexy time.
If your goal is relating to the other person, growing a relationship with them, not just sex with them… it doesn’t matter.
I believe you. There’s some kinds of trauma though that are just inherently more stigmatized by cis-het women. Sure people value our capacity for vulnerability and candor but some societal norms haven’t really seen any progress on that particular end of the spectrum.
Regarding trauma about male-on-male SA, various addictions, or accusations of sexual misconduct the general public still isn’t really that progressed in it’s ability to handle. They’re not really kinds of trauma that you can dress up in a cool jacket and say “well I’m a better person for having endured it”
It really depends I guess on the woman. At least a third of the men I have dated have been SA’d by other men as children. I think because I had shared with them my family trauma, which includes this kind of violence, it made them more comfortable to tell me. At least a couple, I was the first gf they told.
This is why I dont agree with the whole "it’s rude to ‘trauma dump’ on people thing. I never mean harm, but I do share my story. Firstly, because my cptsd is legit baggage a potential partner will have to support my in, and second, so also a person with their own baggage doesnt feel like a freak for having it. My crowd was always other baggage carriers (sorry for this metaphor, but its working rn).
I learned very young the horrors of …this. It comes down to the person, and thier life expierences. While dating one fella, who was SA’d as a young person by his adopted father, I saw discourse online a lot with people making fun of men for thinking washing their ass was “gay”, and folks making fun of this. I was actually dating this guy, who thought this. It was because he was raped at 12. I didnt judge, but he did break up with me after a half year or so. But now, I dont think the jokes are so funny anymore. How many of these men who think like this were raped as boys? You cant help but wonder.
This issue runs close to my heart, and I only hope that change can come in the next few generations. It is starting to be talked about, but I really hope to see change before I die in regards to the taboo in talking about this. I hope men in thier own circles are disscussing it.
Ill trauma drump as much as I want, because it could help someone not ready to talk about it. I dont carry shame in this regard, and I wish others wouldnt either. These boys grow into men, and feel such shame, blame themselves, and get complexes. If only I could heal everyone. Thats my genie wish.
Well said.
I agree with you, I’d just like to point out that, at least to me, the term trauma dumping means explicitly talking about trauma in an inappropriate environment/situation. For example, imagine talking to your coworker about them visiting their dad for his birthday, and then starting to talk about trauma relating to your dad. That is trauma dumping. In a dating context it’s more likely that you are in a situation where sharing your trauma is appropriate.
you know, absolutely
While dating one fella, who was SA’d as a young person by his adopted father, I saw discourse online a lot with people making fun of men for thinking washing their ass was “gay”, and folks making fun of this. I was actually dating this guy, who thought this. It was because he was raped at 12. I didnt judge, but he did break up with me after a half year or so. But now, I dont think the jokes are so funny anymore. How many of these men who think like this were raped as boys? You cant help but wonder.
This is such an impactful point.
Ill trauma drump as much as I want, because it could help someone not ready to talk about it. I dont carry shame in this regard, and I wish others wouldnt either. These boys grow into men, and feel such shame, blame themselves, and get complexes. If only I could heal everyone. Thats my genie wish.
As they say, sunlight is the best disinfectant.
I like that a lot, “sunlight is the best disinfectant”. Im going to hold on to this saying.
My grandparents, and to a degree my parents gen, hid everything. Swept it under a rug and pretended it never happened.
This just lead to more abuse through the generations. It is more harmful to not talk about it.
100% agree.
We still have a ways to go in… socially realizing / allowing men to actually express emotional pain… I literally instinctively wanted to just call it ‘weakness’, lol.
We are still basically at ‘well if you are a man and you aren’t basically always a tough guy, well then you must be either gay or totally mentally unstable or something’.
That being said, of course there are exceptions to this, my experiences are proof of that, but yeah, its not the norm.
I hate that you’re right. And I hate that it feels like it’s getting worse - that we’re backsliding on some of these subjects that require care and empathy for our fellow humans. Men deserve to be vulnerable and open and be supported as well.
Certainly on an individual level, I’ve had these types of connections with men. It’s powerful and I hold those memories very close and dear. That’s hard to extrapolate out to the larger population in text though.
Is it getting worse? I had a 65 year old man (my deceased father’s best friend) be open with me about it. This man cant get through a single sentence without making a sexual comment about women. When I was dealing with my fathers death, he was helping… and I got sick of it after asking multiple times, and yelled at him. In the moment of chaos, I said, yelled, I have been raped okay! Please fucking stop!
Later he shared with me how this is how he copes with that trauma. So, maladaptive, but he said it, outloud, and understood the whys.
That took courage, and idk. I think its getting better. I can be kinda nieve though.
Y’know, I supposed it depends on what one is comparing this time against. It feels worse compared to pre-2020 in ways, misogyny and discrimination are on the rise again.
But to compare to our parent’s generation? It’s better. It’s definitely better.
way ahead of you, I infodump in the first 30 minutes of chat
How my last relationship ended.
Taking the emotional equivalent of a dump on someone you just shared a romantic/happy moment with is never likely to be productive. There’s a time and a place. Your partner isn’t a free therapist, even if for many men their first girlfriend is likely to be the first person they feel able to be open with.
But it is a shame that so many people, whether it’s due to patriarchal/sexist values or biology, find male emotional honesty a turn-off and equate male emotional vulnerability with weakness.
Sunlight is the best disinfectant, someone once said.
I would just go catatonic and then eventually say “I gotta go wash my dick”
