You all are celebrating something bad. It’s bad to assume a guy hitting on someone cannot take “no” for an answer. It’s bad to assume people cannot enjoy being hit on. It’s bad to assume a guy willing to shoot their shot is a creep.
Ya’ll are part of the loneliness problem. Do better and stop assuming the worst of others. You’re not smart. You’re not helping. You’re paranoid weirdos.
Now, if the message said that this was after he was following her around the gym, then THAT is commendable. Though assuming all that off of, “hey you look good, want to go out?” is just … sad. Sad untrusting society that’s spiraling.
Another woman gave her an easy out if she wanted to take it - that’s all. The woman didn’t accuse the man directly of anything and she apparently left them alone once the offer was refused.
It’s bad that it is so commonplace for this to happen that women feel the need to look out for one another in this way. I wish it wasn’t the way the world is, but it is and it’s not bad to try to protect each other.
Nobody was harmed in the meme. The men are OK. You can rest your weary head and stop worrying about misandry in the case of women looking out for other women.
And yet when one complains “there’s nowhere other than spyware apps and bars to meet people these days,” the immediate responses are “go meet them at the gym” or “get a hobby” as if that’s still acceptable. It’s like the gen X version of boomers’ “meet them at the grocery store.”
In your defense, and as someone who never really frequented a gym, why is it tacky to hit on someone at the gym? Is it because presumably people aren’t there to socialize? Are people there to be in their own head working out and pushing themselves?
Maybe it would be fine if you had some other interaction(s) first… Like if you offered to help spot them, or how to work a machine, or offered them a spare Gatorade, or were in a workout class together, etc.
Not gonna lie I don’t go to gyms either lol, I’m not sure myself. Though tbh sometimes people do socialize there from my understanding, there’s classes people will do together like yoga and stuff, and in some of those there’s some socialization I think. And in the case of the homosexual community, apparently quite a bit, the Equinox saunas in NYC at least have a reputation of being a popular cruising spot.
As far as why I’m under the impression that you’re not supposed to, women complain about it a lot, and getting asked out anywhere else too. It seems the general consensus is the only acceptable places to directly speak to a woman without an intermediary are on hook up spyware apps and at the bar. Failing that, “get a hobby and try to make friends, then beg/hope those new friends set you up with someone.” “Go to the gym” is often still given as bad advice because it used to be acceptable but I think those must be olds behind the times or gay men, because those days are gone.
“Get a hobby” has it’s own problems, first of all it’s just as outdated as the gym (which to many is a hobby but ignore that), second it assumes you must not have any hobbies if you’re single which frankly is a baffling line of thought to me lol.
Piling on to your hobbies beef, it also implies that you’re going to have hobbies that aren’t inherently gendered. I am not trying to be sexist at all or prescriptive about which hobbies people should engage in, I’m just going to issue an observation that all of my husband’s video gaming friends are men, and 80% of the people in my gardening groups are women. He’s also into music, which is probably more mixed, but everyone I talk to about books also ends up being women… But that could also just be the genre.
I will say I may somewhat break the mold on this, I’d probably love a gardening group. Unfortunately there’s also people like me who’s (current, maybe gardening group tho good idea) hobbies aren’t conducive to meeting people at all. Like I like to walk around in the woods and take pictures of shit mostly, smoke a lil herb while I’m there. Sometimes I can meet dudes who wanna smoke but I avoid women out there because I’m no bear lol, I don’t want to freak anyone out y’know? I do also read but nobody really talks about books at all ime (irl anyway). Like if I did do the spyware apps I’m sure “what’re you reading right now” would be a good opener but like at the book store or library (where I’d actually be) seems inappropriate.
Even walking in the woods smoking/photoing, that’s a great date activity, have a botanical garden nearby that’s nature but still public and safe too which is even better, but I can’t meet them there I have to talk to someone somewhere else and be like “hey I’m going this weekend you wanna tag along” and that’s the part that is difficult when nobody wants to talk to anyone except in places where I’m not.
There are absolutely hiking groups. They’re are even hiking groups geared towards single people. I have friends that met SOs through them. Also, I think something like a book club would be most likely to be organized through another organization first (a large workplace, a Facebook group or Reddit sub geared towards a city/ county) that would start as a discussion forum and move on to in-person get-togethers.
And if you don’t come across any of those maybe you live in a small community and need to look within the next larger community. And don’t be afraid to organize it yourself. People like all those things (hiking, gardening, books). Also, re: nature and gardening, you can usually also volunteer with local nature preserves (our country has a local conservatory). Good luck out there!
Huh, I’ll check out if there’s any in my area. No go on the workplace, and I do neither the spyware dating apps nor the spyware spying apps (what else does facebook do really it’s all spying all the way down) nor reddit, I’m here partially because reddit chased me off when they killed 3rd party apps after all and lemmy dating isn’t a thing. Also tbh I have ADHD bad and have a hard time reading something unless I pick it, and even then I’m not afraid to say “nah this one’s no good” and not finish it lol, not sure I’m book club material, more “talk about the books we’re currently hyperfocused on” material haha.
I’m in a moderate city, it’s possible we have hiking groups I’m unaware of, I just hope I can find them without facebook because I do not have one, I’ll look, thanks!
I agree with there not being anywhere else. But their suggestions isn’t “go and start hitting on random people there”, it’s “go spend time there, make friends or at least make your face familiar, then you’ll start hanging out with people or possibly date”.
If people just started hitting on anyone everywhere then most people won’t want to go to those places.
But even then (and that is how I make all of my non-work friends), I’m told it is uncouth to ask women out at these locations at all, as they just want to enjoy their hobby like everyone else, and there is legitimacy to that I completely understand that feeling and the last thing I’d want to do is make anyone uncomfortable. “But if she’s giving you signals-” or is she just being nice? Probably just being nice, safer to assume that than act on it and now everyone at the card table thinks I’m creepy and I have to find new friends.
The secret here is to not listen to the faceless crowd about never asking people out or whatever. Don’t be pushy but ultimately we have to talk to people in public if we’re sincerely interested, even if they “might” (who knows?) not want to be approached. Just have to accept if they reject, and move on.
I’m never pushy that’s for sure, always accept no for an answer. Like I said barely even give them the chance to say no cause I don’t talk to them lol.
Maybe you’re right though, I should be less hesitant. Still hate to upset people if it can be avoided though.
Don’t get me wrong, I need to take my own advice more often, but here it continues: You can’t just worry about people getting upset if you try to talk to them. If they get upset, and you didn’t even physically touch them or pressure them to do anything, it’s probably not your fault (although could reflect on what to do different next time if you want) but that’s when to just move on. People “could” get upset about anything in the world. Don’t be forever alone because of the possibility of your existence upsetting someone
People who tell you to get a hobby are only telling you step 2. Step 1 is give up.
The reason you hear “get a hobby” so often is because it works. But you’re not told how it works and why giving up first is so important. Getting a hobby works because you develop a passion and skills, which are attractive. But it also broadens your social circle. You meet more people directly, yes, but you also make new friends. Friends who might just know someone who is single and looking and perfect for you. You think you’re the only one who thinks apps and bars suck?
And the reason Step 1 is give up is because ulterior motives aren’t really a good reason to pursue a hobby, and because that shit shows. You wind up being that guy at the D&D table. Desperate at best and predatory at worst, neither of which are attractive.
If someone shows an interest or sets you up with a friend, great! But that’s no longer your goal. You’ve given up, remember? Better yourself and make more friends. You’ll be more attractive and have more opportunities.
If it doesn’t work, ok. Then some unc on the internet was wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time. But it’s clear that you’re not satisfied with the results of your current approach.
Really tbh the best part is the assumption “oh you have trouble finding a committed relationship? Must be because you literally do absolutely nothing and have no hobbies at all, you’re probably the only one who has figured out stasis.” Like what do you think I just go into a coma? Sure work and sleep takes up a good majority of my time like anyone else but then after that I simply cease to exist until my next shift?
I’m also gonna go ahead and push back on the whole “give up” thing (and don’t let me fool you, I have given up lol, but), women do not make the first move most of the time, if I expect to get any dates I’m gonna have to be the one to ask. Literally only one woman has ever asked me out (and I said yes I’d love to, and she short circuited and walked away without another word like “cool does Friday work for you” or any of the normal things you or I might say to a yes.) I have followed the “give up” advice but that doesn’t mean I’m expecting to actually find love this way, I’m expecting to die alone and get eaten by my cats, I just hope I can provide them enough sustenance they can get rescued when my neighbors start smelling my body. Not exactly romantic but it’s easier than dealing with the current dating climate (which everyone acknowledges is a nightmare until a guy says it, then he’s an incel.)
And even if you’ve given up, looking forward to that future can still make you sad, you’re still allowed to want to love and be loved, such is the human condition.
lol well said. I love how everyone is willing to shit on me for saying it less tactfully: modern social norms are antisocial. Bunch of presumptive losers downvoting someone merely calling it like it demonstrably is.
A friend of mine once told me “Just make your life awesome. Eventually some woman will notice there’s this single guy with an awesome life, and then you won’t be single anymore.” I’m still working on that.
What’s wrong with “get a hobby”? I mean, you shouldn’t get a hobby with the express purpose of hitting on people, but getting a hobby is a way to make friends, and making friends is the only way I’ve ever gotten dates. The odds that you’re going to hit on a stranger and they’re going to go out with you are abysmal. It’s like searching for a job. You can send out dozens of resumes, but they’re all going to get turned down, and when you finally do get a job, it’s through a friend or a recruiter you know.
A) Assumes anyone single ceases to exist when not working. It’s absolutely insane to think “no gf, must be no hobby of course.” It’s more likely one’s hobbies just haven’t led to a romantic partnership.
B) Is possibly the millineal version of gen x’s “gym” and boomers’ “grocery store,” women often say they don’t want to be asked out there either.
C) Then the advice isn’t “get a hobby,” it’s pray your friends set you up with anyone.
It depends on the hobby. The last woman I dated was somebody I met through a board-gaming group. She asked me out. If it had been a Warhammer group, though, I probably would’ve remained single.
Lmao yeah probably. Actually I have been organizing a Steve Jackson board game day with some coworkers and it’s great, but afaik there’s no groups for this game in my area. The LGS has DnD, Magic, Warhammer, and that’s it. DnD is cool but short of your situation repeating for me I wouldn’t ask anyone, it’s still the only LGS and I can’t become the resident creep, I need Munchkin expansions, and tbh I really don’t have the time for DnD rn that’s a whole thing.
Unfortunately, society is at a place where enough men have posed a risk to women that we are all a perceived potential threat.
And women are stepping up to protect each other. Instead of asking women to not step up, you should be asking men to step up and stop normalizing things like locker room talk and porn consumption, things that are proven to increase misogyny and dangerous attitudes of entitlement around sex.
Porn consumption isn’t proven to cause violent and aggressive behaviors In fact, the inverse is likely true, those who are violent tend not to have as many intimate partners and so will have higher rates of porn consumption. There are a number of studies that have found sexual violence and rape to be negatively correlated with porn use suggesting that having an outlet rather than bottling up their sexual urges is better. That being said, the content of the porn does have an impact, so it would be better to advocate for respectful and consent positive porn than to try and ban it.
Unfortunately, society is at a place where enough men have posed a risk to women that we are all a perceived potential threat.
It used to go both ways. Some men felt that they had a duty to protect women. But then they were told that that’s actually misogyny, because actually women are strong and independent and can take care of themselves and don’t need a man to protect them. So then the men who had respect for women let go of this idea where they’re supposed to be protectors.
Meanwhile, the men who don’t respect women haven’t stopped. There just aren’t any men left willing to intervene, because the ones who have have been punished and shamed for it.
So on the one hand, that makes women more vulnerable to the men who don’t respect their boundaries. And on the other hand, it means there are less men respecting boundaries in the spotlight (seriously, you don’t go viral by taking no for an answer; people only notice when it’s something bad), which skews the perception of “men” in general towards “they’re all dangerous.”
Also, it doesn’t help that people who advocate for women to learn self-defense get accused of victim-blaming (as if “be prepared and know how to defend yourself” is the same thing as “it’s your fault because you weren’t strong enough to stop it”).
And on the other hand, it means there are less men respecting boundaries in the spotlight (seriously, you don’t go viral by taking no for an answer; people only notice when it’s something bad), which skews the perception of “men” in general towards “they’re all dangerous.”
This, and sensationalist 24/7 news channels that feed on ratings even before the concept of virality (in this context), are why despite the fact that while all kinds of violent crime (incl where women are victims) have been steadily declining since 1993, the general perception is that crime has increased instead. Not just with women either, the same mechanism plays a role in why your racist uncle “doesn’t hate the blacks he just hates how they act. 13%/50% yadda yadda,” and frankly “all men will rape you” isn’t too far off from what it used to be, “all black men are Ne**o rape beasts” (bro I swear I didn’t invent it that literally was a racist trope used against black men for decades), and yeah I guess opening that up to “all men are rape beasts” is technically progress, but it’s far from ideal.
Good news is while women and uncles seem more scared than they ever have been, statistically they’re actually safer than they have been in the past, so at least we’ve got that going for us. Fat lot of good it does for the division in this country but at least you probably won’t actually be harmed by whatever race or sex you’ve chosen to be afraid of.
It’s a fictional vignette with a contrived twist. You should argue that the boyfriend reveal doesn’t make sense.
The original sentiment this is a variation on is showing up for a stranger who seems uncomfortable or feeling harassed in an unwanted social interaction by giving them an invented out. That’s what most people are assuming the context is.
You make the point that not all men who hit on women at the gym are rapists/creeps, they just need to learn social norms. Well, this is a social norm: going up to a stranger with no context/prior conversation and saying “Your body part is appealing to me, want to go out?” Is not socially okay because it’s perceived as leery and objectifying, like you’re shopping for a car, not trying to form a connection.
Here’s another social norm: Chat people up at the gym and see if they’re even open to having a normal fucking conversation with you like you’re both human beings. Learn something about them if they are. Then go from there.
TL;DR: Hit on people in a humanizing way, not in a creepy way.
Not every instance of this is social incompetence.
Many men who do this are fishing for the specific type of woman who likes it when a guy compliments her body and wants to fuck her. The guy will take 10-20 no’s but eventually find the 1 yes.
A lot of men are sexually ravenous and direct. There is a reason a lot of gay men just fuck all of the goddamned time. They have sex first, then they get to know each other afterward.
Men want to have a real conversation with a real human being, its just that if they’re attracted to them they just would prefer to do that after nutting in said human being. Clears their mind.
I make the assumption that it looked creepy, specifically because that girl stepped in. She had much more information about the situation, so almost certainly made a better call than anyone here could.
Well, and if the boyfriend is making a joke, he’s going to overdo it for comedic effect, too.
Disclaimer: These are not my feelings. Actually I feel the exact opposite, I have simply inserted one word to hopefully illustrate why generalizing groups of people is actually not cool, even if it is a group that is supposed to be devoid of feelings.
No it’s not bad to assume that, because some black men are extremely dangerous. There’s a medical term for what’s going on, prophylactic.
See but then that illustrates my point perfectly, at what point does it become “too specific” for a generalization? I’d argue you just found the line, while all of these statements are accurate:
No it’s not bad to assume that, because some people are extremely dangerous. There’s a medical term for what’s going on, prophylactic.
No it’s not bad to assume that, because some men are extremely dangerous. There’s a medical term for what’s going on, prophylactic.
No it’s not bad to assume that, because some black men are extremely dangerous. There’s a medical term for what’s going on, prophylactic.
The more specific you get the more fucked up it is.
Just as, I’ve been cheated on by three different women and raped by two other different women, so
A) should that make me distrustful of all women? Would it be acceptable for me to hate women now because of those things?
B) which would you say is less of a prejudice sentence, given my personal lived experience:
No it’s not bad to assume that, because some women are extremely dangerous. There’s a medical term for what’s going on, prophylactic.
No it’s not bad to assume that, because some people are extremely dangerous. There’s a medical term for what’s going on, prophylactic.
So, even having been literally raped twice by two different women, were I to actually hate women for it would I be celebrated as a strong independent man or would I be castigated as an incel? Should I start treating every woman as a cheater and a rapist, or should I continue to recognize that individuals are different than each other despite shared genetic characteristics?
Furthermore while we have now gone from the racist trope of the ne**o rape beast (real racist trope that was used for decades, look it up) to now all men are rape beasts, and that technically is progress, is that enough progress? Is that really good? I’m gonna be honest, I think you deserve to be seen as an individual, whether you think you deserve it or not.
You have a right to your own personal assessment of risk. You are entitled to your truth, in that you have experienced women being predators.
The statement that some men are dangerous, is from the women’s assessment of risk, and the truth that they have experienced men being predators.
It’s not about should. If you were suspicious of women, that would be valid. You don’t seem to be accusing any and every women of having ill intentions. The statement that some men are dangerous is also not an accusation against any and every man.
All these comments saying “not all men” are just unhappy that they don’t have control over other people’s perspective. Like it’s not occuring to them that other people can be wrong, and they can just be good intentionally despite that.
Everyone deserves to be seen as an individual, but not by any random stranger. If we want that, and we want to begin a conversation we can be genuine, truthful, relevant and not dehumanizing by using a canned low effort pickup lines like in the context above. People give back the effort they receive.
Hate, fear, if either causes me to cross the street when walking past a black guy simply because I was robbed, my friend was robbed at gunpoint and pistol whipped, and my other friend was stabbed for 1oz of weed, by people who happened to be black, that’s racism. Even if having been attacked my fear is “legitimate,” the issue is treating every black man as if he’s going to stab me. Why then is it different to treat all men as if they’re going to rape you? In both cases you’re “just being cautious.”
Everyone deserves to be seen as an individual, but not by any random stranger.
Ok so it’s ok to generalize an entire demographic as long as you don’t know the individual, then you have to treat them as individuals? So like “women are bad drivers, except for my friend Edna she can drive like a boss” is perfectly ok? I’m gonna go with “nuh uh” on this one.
Furthermore most violence against women is committed by people they know, not random strangers. Treating random strangers as a monolith ain’t gonna help there.
Sure but the complaint isn’t “people ask me out here incorrectly” the complaint is typically “people ask me out here at all.” We’re supposed to relegate it only to spyware hook up apps and bars, third places are dying at an alarming rate, and if you don’t like it you’re an incel. This website is real anticapitalist until a guy complains about the commodification of finding love istfg.
People can talk to strangers in public, we’re adults. If she tells him off then he should go away, but attempting to strike up a conversation doesn’t make someone a predator. Entitlement has nothing to do with it.
Your attempt to conflate the two concepts is what I think this other commenter is trying to draw attention to (albeit ineloquently).
You can’t know how a person will respond to an attempt to start a conversation before you attempt to start one, so by your logic no one should ever talk to anyone ever.
If a person doesn’t want to talk, they can say so directly (or more likely come up with some other excuse to evade it). But striking up a conversation in and of itself violates nothing.
The attitude that you are always in the right trying to have a conversation is entitled. Sometimes, you will be right, and sometimes you will be wrong. It’s up to you to be respectful when you are wrong.
It’s up to you to be respectful when you are wrong.
I never said otherwise. Show me where I said “If someone makes it clear that they don’t want to talk to you, you should force them into a conversation with you to assert your dominance.” You can’t, because I didn’t say that.
What I said was that there’s nothing wrong with trying to strike up a conversation, so whatever additional layers you’re trying to add onto that are merely strawmen.
Who said anything about a conversation? This was an opener lame pickup line. Like I already implied in my original post, to assume they cannot take, “no” for an answer (and end of the convo) … is to assume the worst in people.
Interesting how you’re so willing to defend assuming the worst in others. Really says a lot about you…
How is a guy talking to a woman in a public place the same thing as rape?
If the problem is “guy being a pig,” then sure, let’s focus on that. But assuming a guy is a rapist because he talks to a woman in a public place is a serious problem that you’re making, and if you want people to take rape seriously then you shouldn’t throw the term around so lightly.
This isn’t about “ego bruise,” this is about the very real concern of “people jumping to conclusions about men being rapists when nothing in this scenario implies such.”
If you’re going to live your life avoiding all risk no matter how likely, then you’ll have to live like spongebob:
If you want to laden men with moral weight over heinous things they didn’t do just because you perceive risk everywhere you look, then you’re being prejudiced.
You’re the one being thick. “There’s a slight possibility that this woman might get raped, so therefore this guy is wrong even though he hasn’t harmed her in any way.”
Edit: Ah shit, I had this confused with a different thread. Fixed the parts that weren’t relevant to this conversation.
Have you tried not jumping to conclusions based on the worst possible thing you could ever assume?
You all are genuinely horrible. This is the same logic people use when they say, “It doesn’t matter who I vote for, they’re all corrupt”, and then go on to vote for Trump.
It’s not like they threw a rock at the guy, it’s just being safe. If you’ve been sexually assaulted before I’d think you would know that it’s much better to be precautious if a situation is suspicious, sexual violence or even just harassment is not uncommon. Having experienced it personally I am happy people look out for each other in such a way.
So, both times I was actually raped by women (well, if I had done the same to them it would have been rape but since women can’t legally be charged with rape the worst they could have got was a sexual assault charge, legally speaking. Did they? No, nothing happened to them, I’m told I was “supposed to enjoy it because they’re hot and what am I anyway, gay?!”) it was someone I knew at least as an acquaintance, not a stranger. Turns out that’s more common for women too, so if they really want to be safe it’s best to seek your local convent I guess and slap on a habit.
I’ve never been raped by a man (and could legally kill one if he tried, not the case with women, I could have fought off at least the first rape but then I’d have 100% went to jail and been charged with DV because people don’t take kindly to defending yourself from a woman, better to lie back and take it than to deal with the hassle), but I have been annoyingly pursued by multiple gay drunk dudes who won’t take no for an answer until way too many nos. Enough people seem to be conflating that (when men do it to women) in these comments so I guess I’ll include it too, and say those guys sexually assaulted me.
Does that mean I should try and intervene any time a woman or gay dude hits on someone in my presence?
Looking out for each other is good, but people can and do take things too far sometimes, and frankly generalizing entire groups of people based on shared characteristics they were born with isn’t a good look ever, it’s not “it’s bad any other time but fine to do to men, as long as you don’t mention a specific color or sexuality of men.” Black men have been fighting the ne**o rape beast trope for decades and I’m sure they’re happy that race has been removed and now they’re just regular rape beasts but it’s still not great lol.
Enough people seem to be conflating that (when men do it to women) in these comments so I guess I’ll include it too, and say those guys sexually assaulted me.
Being pushy is not sexual assault, I was talking about being followed home from the bus and physically assaulted. I would rather someone be safe a million times than let me be assaulted if they are in a position to help.
don’t pickup women working out, nobody wants to be bothered while being all sweaty, unless the guy is really attractive, have you tried being really attractive?
Well there is one acceptable place still, but unfortunately for some that means choosing between alcoholism and alone, and tbh ain’t nobody got money to be an alcoholic these days unless they’re real bad off slamming handles of Aristocrat behind a Denny’s. But then that’s not as effective as bars at the “meeting a partner” thing unless you’re looking for a yegg.
Privacy advocates who don’t drink a lot and miss the third places that are dying off at an alarming rate are undatable? You’re probably right tbh but that’s not necessarily a good thing lol.
for the rest of us that might feel like the guy i replied to, find a mixed gender hobby that lets you meet on a semi regular basis
Ok so you can’t ask a woman out (politely, respectfully, and if it seems like she may be interested) at the gym, but can at a “mixed gender hobby,” but then I’ve also heard reports of not wanting to be asked out while trying to enjoy their hobby elsewhere.
Not that it matters to me, my hobby is walking in the woods taking pictures of cool nature shit, so they’d rather I was a bear and last thing I want to do is freak someone out, I’m more scared of them than they are of me (maybe I am a bear oh fuck.)
stop trying so hard to get laid
I don’t try hard and I do get laid, I have a FWB that wouldn’t work out as a relationship but who says we can’t have fun?
get a relationship
Also not trying for that (at all really, it seems most people are scared of interacting without the assistance of paid spyware that I won’t install on my phone, and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable so as a guy I just don’t really talk to women while out and about at all) but it would be nice to one day love and feel loved again, I don’t miss the girl that used to anymore, but sometimes I do miss the feeling itself.
and just have fun
I mean, I do, what else is there to do? But people are capable of having fun and also feeling sad sometimes. I know I’m not supposed to admit we have those and yes I’m “lame” or whatever but this is a pseudononymous internet forum so who cares.
the difference is in hobby situations you can start a convo about said hobby though you might still get shot down quickly, hopefully no one would be swooping in to save someone from a hobby convo
no promises though lol
the most successful guy i knew in college was sleezy as shit and just asked every women he met and just didn’t care what they thought about it
I mean sure, we can talk about hobby things, but there does seem to be a proverbial line drawn at the mention of any possible romantic interest at hobby places just like there is at the gym. Sure it’s easier to get a convo started, but it’s still said to be rude to turn the convo towards the possibility of seeing each other for just a date as they’re “just trying to enjoy their hobby and you shouldn’t be here to meet women anyway you creep we have to deal with this everywhere…” and fair enough but that’s because:
the most successful guy i knew in college was sleezy as shit and just asked every women he met and just didn’t care what they thought about it
So now respectful people have literally no recourse because women are complaining about your “successful friend” there, we either have to become the exact thing that helps create the problem and feels skeevy to those not already inclined, or go to the bar (in this economy?!), or pay for spyware apps to sell my data in the hopes I’ll be one of the 5% of men who have success with those apps and then double hope I’m in the infinitely smaller percentage of people that can find actual love instead of hook ups on the hook up app. We’re all aware of the Boomhauer technique man, we just don’t want to use it because despite being “lonely” which seems to be a pejorative for “loser who would like love in his life” these days it’s hard to change who you fundamentally are as a person just hoping one day you harass just the right lady at the damn Publix.
Ya’ll are part of the loneliness problem. Do better and stop assuming the worst of others. You’re not smart. You’re not helping. You’re paranoid weirdos.
It feels so good to know you are just better in a way than certain people, just allows you to go “Uh-huh, sure” knowing that you have better things to do, probably a decent future, and that you have done enough for society already, the accusations and offenses no longer matter.
The actually hateful people can burn in their self-righteousness. That’s how you avoid being flammed.
You all are celebrating something bad. It’s bad to assume a guy hitting on someone cannot take “no” for an answer. It’s bad to assume people cannot enjoy being hit on. It’s bad to assume a guy willing to shoot their shot is a creep.
Ya’ll are part of the loneliness problem. Do better and stop assuming the worst of others. You’re not smart. You’re not helping. You’re paranoid weirdos.
Now, if the message said that this was after he was following her around the gym, then THAT is commendable. Though assuming all that off of, “hey you look good, want to go out?” is just … sad. Sad untrusting society that’s spiraling.
Another woman gave her an easy out if she wanted to take it - that’s all. The woman didn’t accuse the man directly of anything and she apparently left them alone once the offer was refused.
It’s bad that it is so commonplace for this to happen that women feel the need to look out for one another in this way. I wish it wasn’t the way the world is, but it is and it’s not bad to try to protect each other.
If they were trying to avoid a situation going south, sure that’d be helping.
Jumping to conclusions is NOT helping anyone.
Nobody was harmed in the meme. The men are OK. You can rest your weary head and stop worrying about misandry in the case of women looking out for other women.
Several layers of OK, since it’s a made up story about a boyfriend pretending.
Hitting on people at the gym is tacky. At best.
And yet when one complains “there’s nowhere other than spyware apps and bars to meet people these days,” the immediate responses are “go meet them at the gym” or “get a hobby” as if that’s still acceptable. It’s like the gen X version of boomers’ “meet them at the grocery store.”
In your defense, and as someone who never really frequented a gym, why is it tacky to hit on someone at the gym? Is it because presumably people aren’t there to socialize? Are people there to be in their own head working out and pushing themselves?
Maybe it would be fine if you had some other interaction(s) first… Like if you offered to help spot them, or how to work a machine, or offered them a spare Gatorade, or were in a workout class together, etc.
Yes and yes.
Not gonna lie I don’t go to gyms either lol, I’m not sure myself. Though tbh sometimes people do socialize there from my understanding, there’s classes people will do together like yoga and stuff, and in some of those there’s some socialization I think. And in the case of the homosexual community, apparently quite a bit, the Equinox saunas in NYC at least have a reputation of being a popular cruising spot.
As far as why I’m under the impression that you’re not supposed to, women complain about it a lot, and getting asked out anywhere else too. It seems the general consensus is the only acceptable places to directly speak to a woman without an intermediary are on hook up spyware apps and at the bar. Failing that, “get a hobby and try to make friends, then beg/hope those new friends set you up with someone.” “Go to the gym” is often still given as bad advice because it used to be acceptable but I think those must be olds behind the times or gay men, because those days are gone.
“Get a hobby” has it’s own problems, first of all it’s just as outdated as the gym (which to many is a hobby but ignore that), second it assumes you must not have any hobbies if you’re single which frankly is a baffling line of thought to me lol.
Piling on to your hobbies beef, it also implies that you’re going to have hobbies that aren’t inherently gendered. I am not trying to be sexist at all or prescriptive about which hobbies people should engage in, I’m just going to issue an observation that all of my husband’s video gaming friends are men, and 80% of the people in my gardening groups are women. He’s also into music, which is probably more mixed, but everyone I talk to about books also ends up being women… But that could also just be the genre.
I will say I may somewhat break the mold on this, I’d probably love a gardening group. Unfortunately there’s also people like me who’s (current, maybe gardening group tho good idea) hobbies aren’t conducive to meeting people at all. Like I like to walk around in the woods and take pictures of shit mostly, smoke a lil herb while I’m there. Sometimes I can meet dudes who wanna smoke but I avoid women out there because I’m no bear lol, I don’t want to freak anyone out y’know? I do also read but nobody really talks about books at all ime (irl anyway). Like if I did do the spyware apps I’m sure “what’re you reading right now” would be a good opener but like at the book store or library (where I’d actually be) seems inappropriate.
Even walking in the woods smoking/photoing, that’s a great date activity, have a botanical garden nearby that’s nature but still public and safe too which is even better, but I can’t meet them there I have to talk to someone somewhere else and be like “hey I’m going this weekend you wanna tag along” and that’s the part that is difficult when nobody wants to talk to anyone except in places where I’m not.
There are absolutely hiking groups. They’re are even hiking groups geared towards single people. I have friends that met SOs through them. Also, I think something like a book club would be most likely to be organized through another organization first (a large workplace, a Facebook group or Reddit sub geared towards a city/ county) that would start as a discussion forum and move on to in-person get-togethers.
And if you don’t come across any of those maybe you live in a small community and need to look within the next larger community. And don’t be afraid to organize it yourself. People like all those things (hiking, gardening, books). Also, re: nature and gardening, you can usually also volunteer with local nature preserves (our country has a local conservatory). Good luck out there!
Huh, I’ll check out if there’s any in my area. No go on the workplace, and I do neither the spyware dating apps nor the spyware spying apps (what else does facebook do really it’s all spying all the way down) nor reddit, I’m here partially because reddit chased me off when they killed 3rd party apps after all and lemmy dating isn’t a thing. Also tbh I have ADHD bad and have a hard time reading something unless I pick it, and even then I’m not afraid to say “nah this one’s no good” and not finish it lol, not sure I’m book club material, more “talk about the books we’re currently hyperfocused on” material haha.
I’m in a moderate city, it’s possible we have hiking groups I’m unaware of, I just hope I can find them without facebook because I do not have one, I’ll look, thanks!
I agree with there not being anywhere else. But their suggestions isn’t “go and start hitting on random people there”, it’s “go spend time there, make friends or at least make your face familiar, then you’ll start hanging out with people or possibly date”.
If people just started hitting on anyone everywhere then most people won’t want to go to those places.
In that case it might be more constructive to say “There is no place that’s good for just meeting people. You need to appear to want something else.”
But even then (and that is how I make all of my non-work friends), I’m told it is uncouth to ask women out at these locations at all, as they just want to enjoy their hobby like everyone else, and there is legitimacy to that I completely understand that feeling and the last thing I’d want to do is make anyone uncomfortable. “But if she’s giving you signals-” or is she just being nice? Probably just being nice, safer to assume that than act on it and now everyone at the card table thinks I’m creepy and I have to find new friends.
The secret here is to not listen to the faceless crowd about never asking people out or whatever. Don’t be pushy but ultimately we have to talk to people in public if we’re sincerely interested, even if they “might” (who knows?) not want to be approached. Just have to accept if they reject, and move on.
I’m never pushy that’s for sure, always accept no for an answer. Like I said barely even give them the chance to say no cause I don’t talk to them lol.
Maybe you’re right though, I should be less hesitant. Still hate to upset people if it can be avoided though.
Don’t get me wrong, I need to take my own advice more often, but here it continues: You can’t just worry about people getting upset if you try to talk to them. If they get upset, and you didn’t even physically touch them or pressure them to do anything, it’s probably not your fault (although could reflect on what to do different next time if you want) but that’s when to just move on. People “could” get upset about anything in the world. Don’t be forever alone because of the possibility of your existence upsetting someone
Fair enough lol, I’ll take a few more shots here and there!
People who tell you to get a hobby are only telling you step 2. Step 1 is give up.
The reason you hear “get a hobby” so often is because it works. But you’re not told how it works and why giving up first is so important. Getting a hobby works because you develop a passion and skills, which are attractive. But it also broadens your social circle. You meet more people directly, yes, but you also make new friends. Friends who might just know someone who is single and looking and perfect for you. You think you’re the only one who thinks apps and bars suck?
And the reason Step 1 is give up is because ulterior motives aren’t really a good reason to pursue a hobby, and because that shit shows. You wind up being that guy at the D&D table. Desperate at best and predatory at worst, neither of which are attractive.
If someone shows an interest or sets you up with a friend, great! But that’s no longer your goal. You’ve given up, remember? Better yourself and make more friends. You’ll be more attractive and have more opportunities.
If it doesn’t work, ok. Then some unc on the internet was wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time. But it’s clear that you’re not satisfied with the results of your current approach.
Really tbh the best part is the assumption “oh you have trouble finding a committed relationship? Must be because you literally do absolutely nothing and have no hobbies at all, you’re probably the only one who has figured out stasis.” Like what do you think I just go into a coma? Sure work and sleep takes up a good majority of my time like anyone else but then after that I simply cease to exist until my next shift?
I’m also gonna go ahead and push back on the whole “give up” thing (and don’t let me fool you, I have given up lol, but), women do not make the first move most of the time, if I expect to get any dates I’m gonna have to be the one to ask. Literally only one woman has ever asked me out (and I said yes I’d love to, and she short circuited and walked away without another word like “cool does Friday work for you” or any of the normal things you or I might say to a yes.) I have followed the “give up” advice but that doesn’t mean I’m expecting to actually find love this way, I’m expecting to die alone and get eaten by my cats, I just hope I can provide them enough sustenance they can get rescued when my neighbors start smelling my body. Not exactly romantic but it’s easier than dealing with the current dating climate (which everyone acknowledges is a nightmare until a guy says it, then he’s an incel.)
And even if you’ve given up, looking forward to that future can still make you sad, you’re still allowed to want to love and be loved, such is the human condition.
lol well said. I love how everyone is willing to shit on me for saying it less tactfully: modern social norms are antisocial. Bunch of presumptive losers downvoting someone merely calling it like it demonstrably is.
A friend of mine once told me “Just make your life awesome. Eventually some woman will notice there’s this single guy with an awesome life, and then you won’t be single anymore.” I’m still working on that.
Damn, I feel you dude. I could have written this whole comment.
Or you could get angry and defensive and start catastrophizing, I guess. Is that fulfilling?
Get a hobby.
Already have a few. It’s how I met my wife.
Ah yes you can tell you have a hobby by the way that you wife. I, with no wife, clearly have no hobbies.
I’m gonna be real, I’m going to continue making fun of these ridiculous assumptions whether you like it or not, get used to it or block me I guess.
What’s wrong with “get a hobby”? I mean, you shouldn’t get a hobby with the express purpose of hitting on people, but getting a hobby is a way to make friends, and making friends is the only way I’ve ever gotten dates. The odds that you’re going to hit on a stranger and they’re going to go out with you are abysmal. It’s like searching for a job. You can send out dozens of resumes, but they’re all going to get turned down, and when you finally do get a job, it’s through a friend or a recruiter you know.
A) Assumes anyone single ceases to exist when not working. It’s absolutely insane to think “no gf, must be no hobby of course.” It’s more likely one’s hobbies just haven’t led to a romantic partnership.
B) Is possibly the millineal version of gen x’s “gym” and boomers’ “grocery store,” women often say they don’t want to be asked out there either.
C) Then the advice isn’t “get a hobby,” it’s pray your friends set you up with anyone.
It depends on the hobby. The last woman I dated was somebody I met through a board-gaming group. She asked me out. If it had been a Warhammer group, though, I probably would’ve remained single.
Lmao yeah probably. Actually I have been organizing a Steve Jackson board game day with some coworkers and it’s great, but afaik there’s no groups for this game in my area. The LGS has DnD, Magic, Warhammer, and that’s it. DnD is cool but short of your situation repeating for me I wouldn’t ask anyone, it’s still the only LGS and I can’t become the resident creep, I need Munchkin expansions, and tbh I really don’t have the time for DnD rn that’s a whole thing.
I agree. That doesn’t make everyone who does it a rapist. Just someone that might need to learn better social norms and skills.
Unfortunately, society is at a place where enough men have posed a risk to women that we are all a perceived potential threat.
And women are stepping up to protect each other. Instead of asking women to not step up, you should be asking men to step up and stop normalizing things like locker room talk and porn consumption, things that are proven to increase misogyny and dangerous attitudes of entitlement around sex.
Oh yes, that’s why the places where is illegal or extremely restricted are known to be very egalitarian, like the UAE and India for example.
Porn consumption isn’t proven to cause violent and aggressive behaviors In fact, the inverse is likely true, those who are violent tend not to have as many intimate partners and so will have higher rates of porn consumption. There are a number of studies that have found sexual violence and rape to be negatively correlated with porn use suggesting that having an outlet rather than bottling up their sexual urges is better. That being said, the content of the porn does have an impact, so it would be better to advocate for respectful and consent positive porn than to try and ban it.
I agree many healthy social skills need to be normalized among men.
Though normalizing assuming the worst of strangers is not helping.
It used to go both ways. Some men felt that they had a duty to protect women. But then they were told that that’s actually misogyny, because actually women are strong and independent and can take care of themselves and don’t need a man to protect them. So then the men who had respect for women let go of this idea where they’re supposed to be protectors.
Meanwhile, the men who don’t respect women haven’t stopped. There just aren’t any men left willing to intervene, because the ones who have have been punished and shamed for it.
So on the one hand, that makes women more vulnerable to the men who don’t respect their boundaries. And on the other hand, it means there are less men respecting boundaries in the spotlight (seriously, you don’t go viral by taking no for an answer; people only notice when it’s something bad), which skews the perception of “men” in general towards “they’re all dangerous.”
Also, it doesn’t help that people who advocate for women to learn self-defense get accused of victim-blaming (as if “be prepared and know how to defend yourself” is the same thing as “it’s your fault because you weren’t strong enough to stop it”).
This, and sensationalist 24/7 news channels that feed on ratings even before the concept of virality (in this context), are why despite the fact that while all kinds of violent crime (incl where women are victims) have been steadily declining since 1993, the general perception is that crime has increased instead. Not just with women either, the same mechanism plays a role in why your racist uncle “doesn’t hate the blacks he just hates how they act. 13%/50% yadda yadda,” and frankly “all men will rape you” isn’t too far off from what it used to be, “all black men are Ne**o rape beasts” (bro I swear I didn’t invent it that literally was a racist trope used against black men for decades), and yeah I guess opening that up to “all men are rape beasts” is technically progress, but it’s far from ideal.
Good news is while women and uncles seem more scared than they ever have been, statistically they’re actually safer than they have been in the past, so at least we’ve got that going for us. Fat lot of good it does for the division in this country but at least you probably won’t actually be harmed by whatever race or sex you’ve chosen to be afraid of.
It’s a fictional vignette with a contrived twist. You should argue that the boyfriend reveal doesn’t make sense.
The original sentiment this is a variation on is showing up for a stranger who seems uncomfortable or feeling harassed in an unwanted social interaction by giving them an invented out. That’s what most people are assuming the context is.
You make the point that not all men who hit on women at the gym are rapists/creeps, they just need to learn social norms. Well, this is a social norm: going up to a stranger with no context/prior conversation and saying “Your body part is appealing to me, want to go out?” Is not socially okay because it’s perceived as leery and objectifying, like you’re shopping for a car, not trying to form a connection.
Here’s another social norm: Chat people up at the gym and see if they’re even open to having a normal fucking conversation with you like you’re both human beings. Learn something about them if they are. Then go from there.
TL;DR: Hit on people in a humanizing way, not in a creepy way.
Not every instance of this is social incompetence.
Many men who do this are fishing for the specific type of woman who likes it when a guy compliments her body and wants to fuck her. The guy will take 10-20 no’s but eventually find the 1 yes.
A lot of men are sexually ravenous and direct. There is a reason a lot of gay men just fuck all of the goddamned time. They have sex first, then they get to know each other afterward.
Men want to have a real conversation with a real human being, its just that if they’re attracted to them they just would prefer to do that after nutting in said human being. Clears their mind.
I wish I was gayer.
How do you expect people to learn what is supposed to be normal if your reaction to the slightest misstep is to label them a creep and rapist?
You all are exactly why the conservative pipeline works.
I make the assumption that it looked creepy, specifically because that girl stepped in. She had much more information about the situation, so almost certainly made a better call than anyone here could.
Well, and if the boyfriend is making a joke, he’s going to overdo it for comedic effect, too.
No it’s not bad to assume that, because some men are extremely dangerous. There’s a medical term for what’s going on, prophylactic.
Disclaimer: These are not my feelings. Actually I feel the exact opposite, I have simply inserted one word to hopefully illustrate why generalizing groups of people is actually not cool, even if it is a group that is supposed to be devoid of feelings.
The more specific you get, the less it’s a generalization and just prejudice.
If you want to be a clown about it, how about I make a change
See but then that illustrates my point perfectly, at what point does it become “too specific” for a generalization? I’d argue you just found the line, while all of these statements are accurate:
The more specific you get the more fucked up it is.
Just as, I’ve been cheated on by three different women and raped by two other different women, so
A) should that make me distrustful of all women? Would it be acceptable for me to hate women now because of those things?
B) which would you say is less of a prejudice sentence, given my personal lived experience:
So, even having been literally raped twice by two different women, were I to actually hate women for it would I be celebrated as a strong independent man or would I be castigated as an incel? Should I start treating every woman as a cheater and a rapist, or should I continue to recognize that individuals are different than each other despite shared genetic characteristics?
Furthermore while we have now gone from the racist trope of the ne**o rape beast (real racist trope that was used for decades, look it up) to now all men are rape beasts, and that technically is progress, is that enough progress? Is that really good? I’m gonna be honest, I think you deserve to be seen as an individual, whether you think you deserve it or not.
You have a right to your own personal assessment of risk. You are entitled to your truth, in that you have experienced women being predators.
The statement that some men are dangerous, is from the women’s assessment of risk, and the truth that they have experienced men being predators.
It’s not about should. If you were suspicious of women, that would be valid. You don’t seem to be accusing any and every women of having ill intentions. The statement that some men are dangerous is also not an accusation against any and every man.
All these comments saying “not all men” are just unhappy that they don’t have control over other people’s perspective. Like it’s not occuring to them that other people can be wrong, and they can just be good intentionally despite that.
Oh word cool, so it’s ok to be prejudice and assume the worst out of a group as long as the group you hate has done anything wrong to you, got it.
Is anything I said about hate?
Everyone deserves to be seen as an individual, but not by any random stranger. If we want that, and we want to begin a conversation we can be genuine, truthful, relevant and not dehumanizing by using a canned low effort pickup lines like in the context above. People give back the effort they receive.
Hate, fear, if either causes me to cross the street when walking past a black guy simply because I was robbed, my friend was robbed at gunpoint and pistol whipped, and my other friend was stabbed for 1oz of weed, by people who happened to be black, that’s racism. Even if having been attacked my fear is “legitimate,” the issue is treating every black man as if he’s going to stab me. Why then is it different to treat all men as if they’re going to rape you? In both cases you’re “just being cautious.”
Ok so it’s ok to generalize an entire demographic as long as you don’t know the individual, then you have to treat them as individuals? So like “women are bad drivers, except for my friend Edna she can drive like a boss” is perfectly ok? I’m gonna go with “nuh uh” on this one.
Furthermore most violence against women is committed by people they know, not random strangers. Treating random strangers as a monolith ain’t gonna help there.
Sure but the complaint isn’t “people ask me out here incorrectly” the complaint is typically “people ask me out here at all.” We’re supposed to relegate it only to spyware hook up apps and bars, third places are dying at an alarming rate, and if you don’t like it you’re an incel. This website is real anticapitalist until a guy complains about the commodification of finding love istfg.
Go ahead and keep contributing to the world’s problems by being a generalizing fool.
This is the same logic as the fucking morons that go, “It doesn’t matter who I vote for, they’re all corrupt” … and then vote for Trump.
Implying men are entitled to have conversations with women if they aren’t predators makes you seem like a predator.
People can talk to strangers in public, we’re adults. If she tells him off then he should go away, but attempting to strike up a conversation doesn’t make someone a predator. Entitlement has nothing to do with it.
Your attempt to conflate the two concepts is what I think this other commenter is trying to draw attention to (albeit ineloquently).
The attitude of “my intentions and want to start a conversation supersedes another’s right to avoid one” is the one of entitlement.
You can’t know how a person will respond to an attempt to start a conversation before you attempt to start one, so by your logic no one should ever talk to anyone ever.
If a person doesn’t want to talk, they can say so directly (or more likely come up with some other excuse to evade it). But striking up a conversation in and of itself violates nothing.
The attitude that you are always in the right trying to have a conversation is entitled. Sometimes, you will be right, and sometimes you will be wrong. It’s up to you to be respectful when you are wrong.
I never said otherwise. Show me where I said “If someone makes it clear that they don’t want to talk to you, you should force them into a conversation with you to assert your dominance.” You can’t, because I didn’t say that.
What I said was that there’s nothing wrong with trying to strike up a conversation, so whatever additional layers you’re trying to add onto that are merely strawmen.
Who said anything about a conversation? This was an opener lame pickup line. Like I already implied in my original post, to assume they cannot take, “no” for an answer (and end of the convo) … is to assume the worst in people.
Interesting how you’re so willing to defend assuming the worst in others. Really says a lot about you…
Risk/cost. Rape is bigger owie than ego bruise.
How is a guy talking to a woman in a public place the same thing as rape?
If the problem is “guy being a pig,” then sure, let’s focus on that. But assuming a guy is a rapist because he talks to a woman in a public place is a serious problem that you’re making, and if you want people to take rape seriously then you shouldn’t throw the term around so lightly.
This isn’t about “ego bruise,” this is about the very real concern of “people jumping to conclusions about men being rapists when nothing in this scenario implies such.”
Oh my god, you people are thick. It’s a RISK of turning into a rape, which is a great COST, ergo being cautious is worth it.
If you’re going to live your life avoiding all risk no matter how likely, then you’ll have to live like spongebob:
If you want to laden men with moral weight over heinous things they didn’t do just because you perceive risk everywhere you look, then you’re being prejudiced.
You’re the one being thick. “There’s a slight possibility that this woman might get raped, so therefore this guy is wrong even though he hasn’t harmed her in any way.”
Edit: Ah shit, I had this confused with a different thread. Fixed the parts that weren’t relevant to this conversation.
Not the ego bruise. The normalization of terrible assumptions is the bad part.
Have you tried not coming off all rapey?
I’m not sure they ever will
Have you tried not jumping to conclusions based on the worst possible thing you could ever assume?
You all are genuinely horrible. This is the same logic people use when they say, “It doesn’t matter who I vote for, they’re all corrupt”, and then go on to vote for Trump.
Good job being part of the problem.
It’s not like they threw a rock at the guy, it’s just being safe. If you’ve been sexually assaulted before I’d think you would know that it’s much better to be precautious if a situation is suspicious, sexual violence or even just harassment is not uncommon. Having experienced it personally I am happy people look out for each other in such a way.
Ooh ooh, I’ve been sexually assaulted!
So, both times I was actually raped by women (well, if I had done the same to them it would have been rape but since women can’t legally be charged with rape the worst they could have got was a sexual assault charge, legally speaking. Did they? No, nothing happened to them, I’m told I was “supposed to enjoy it because they’re hot and what am I anyway, gay?!”) it was someone I knew at least as an acquaintance, not a stranger. Turns out that’s more common for women too, so if they really want to be safe it’s best to seek your local convent I guess and slap on a habit.
I’ve never been raped by a man (and could legally kill one if he tried, not the case with women, I could have fought off at least the first rape but then I’d have 100% went to jail and been charged with DV because people don’t take kindly to defending yourself from a woman, better to lie back and take it than to deal with the hassle), but I have been annoyingly pursued by multiple gay drunk dudes who won’t take no for an answer until way too many nos. Enough people seem to be conflating that (when men do it to women) in these comments so I guess I’ll include it too, and say those guys sexually assaulted me.
Does that mean I should try and intervene any time a woman or gay dude hits on someone in my presence?
Looking out for each other is good, but people can and do take things too far sometimes, and frankly generalizing entire groups of people based on shared characteristics they were born with isn’t a good look ever, it’s not “it’s bad any other time but fine to do to men, as long as you don’t mention a specific color or sexuality of men.” Black men have been fighting the ne**o rape beast trope for decades and I’m sure they’re happy that race has been removed and now they’re just regular rape beasts but it’s still not great lol.
Being pushy is not sexual assault, I was talking about being followed home from the bus and physically assaulted. I would rather someone be safe a million times than let me be assaulted if they are in a position to help.
So no
don’t pickup women working out, nobody wants to be bothered while being all sweaty, unless the guy is really attractive, have you tried being really attractive?
Try accepting the fact that you will be single all your life, simple.
Well there is one acceptable place still, but unfortunately for some that means choosing between alcoholism and alone, and tbh ain’t nobody got money to be an alcoholic these days unless they’re real bad off slamming handles of Aristocrat behind a Denny’s. But then that’s not as effective as bars at the “meeting a partner” thing unless you’re looking for a yegg.
Simply use dating apps that want you to never finish using them.
Don’t forget paying them for the privilege of having my data harvested and sold to the lowest bidder! That’s the best part I think.
If he is this bitter, it is already too late to fix realistically. He probably can’t be dateable.
Privacy advocates who don’t drink a lot and miss the third places that are dying off at an alarming rate are undatable? You’re probably right tbh but that’s not necessarily a good thing lol.
Clearly not.
i wish it was purely a joke but life isn’t fair
for the rest of us that might feel like the guy i replied to, find a mixed gender hobby that lets you meet on a semi regular basis
stop trying so hard to get laid / get a relationship and just have fun
(Different guy, but)
Ok so you can’t ask a woman out (politely, respectfully, and if it seems like she may be interested) at the gym, but can at a “mixed gender hobby,” but then I’ve also heard reports of not wanting to be asked out while trying to enjoy their hobby elsewhere.
Not that it matters to me, my hobby is walking in the woods taking pictures of cool nature shit, so they’d rather I was a bear and last thing I want to do is freak someone out, I’m more scared of them than they are of me (maybe I am a bear oh fuck.)
I don’t try hard and I do get laid, I have a FWB that wouldn’t work out as a relationship but who says we can’t have fun?
Also not trying for that (at all really, it seems most people are scared of interacting without the assistance of paid spyware that I won’t install on my phone, and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable so as a guy I just don’t really talk to women while out and about at all) but it would be nice to one day love and feel loved again, I don’t miss the girl that used to anymore, but sometimes I do miss the feeling itself.
I mean, I do, what else is there to do? But people are capable of having fun and also feeling sad sometimes. I know I’m not supposed to admit we have those and yes I’m “lame” or whatever but this is a pseudononymous internet forum so who cares.
i get that reading the room can be hard for some of us but I assure you it is easier to tell when in a hobby environment than at a gym
that said do what you want but I’m not surprised people get weird over pickups in a gym
Full disclosure I do not go to the gym at all lol, but I’d believe that. Doesn’t mean it’s welcome in hobby situations.
the difference is in hobby situations you can start a convo about said hobby though you might still get shot down quickly, hopefully no one would be swooping in to save someone from a hobby convo
no promises though lol
the most successful guy i knew in college was sleezy as shit and just asked every women he met and just didn’t care what they thought about it
I mean sure, we can talk about hobby things, but there does seem to be a proverbial line drawn at the mention of any possible romantic interest at hobby places just like there is at the gym. Sure it’s easier to get a convo started, but it’s still said to be rude to turn the convo towards the possibility of seeing each other for just a date as they’re “just trying to enjoy their hobby and you shouldn’t be here to meet women anyway you creep we have to deal with this everywhere…” and fair enough but that’s because:
So now respectful people have literally no recourse because women are complaining about your “successful friend” there, we either have to become the exact thing that helps create the problem and feels skeevy to those not already inclined, or go to the bar (in this economy?!), or pay for spyware apps to sell my data in the hopes I’ll be one of the 5% of men who have success with those apps and then double hope I’m in the infinitely smaller percentage of people that can find actual love instead of hook ups on the hook up app. We’re all aware of the Boomhauer technique man, we just don’t want to use it because despite being “lonely” which seems to be a pejorative for “loser who would like love in his life” these days it’s hard to change who you fundamentally are as a person just hoping one day you harass just the right lady at the damn Publix.
It’s the kids who are wrong still huh? There’s no hope for you guys.
That is in no way what that expression means. lol
You got some good points, people too often assume the worst and jump to defensiveness.
Because when women get caught off guard, we’re stalked, raped, and/or murdered by men.
Women looking out for each other in subtle ways isn’t the big bad issue in this scenario.
Nowhere did I say looking out is bad. The jumping to intervention based off of assumption is the bad part.
Pardon?
Yep, you are confirmed part of the problem.
You literally assumed, “being quiet” from a partner as, “I want attention from my partner and I’m going to act weird until I get it.”
Part of the problem.
It feels so good to know you are just better in a way than certain people, just allows you to go “Uh-huh, sure” knowing that you have better things to do, probably a decent future, and that you have done enough for society already, the accusations and offenses no longer matter.
The actually hateful people can burn in their self-righteousness. That’s how you avoid being flammed.
Ok, I’m not sure if you’re agreeing with me or being sarcastic, ha.
To be honest, I don’t even care who is right anymore.
Cool cool, have a great day out there in this crazy world :-)
Found the girl who got turned down