Hah, I’ve literally been there. Imagine a 9’x9’ prison cell with two men, steel bunk “beds”, and a solid steel toilet. Also, you’re high on suboxone because there’s not much else to do in prison.
You’re a grown man, standing facing the toilet with wiener in hand, with another grown man’s head like 3 feet behind your ass. Standing there for what feels like eternity. And you’re thinking “Oh shit. He’s going to think I don’t know how to piss or something. This is weird. His head is way too close to my ass. Fuck, I’d better not fart. I forgot how pain killers and shit can make you unable to piss. It’s got to be the sub I took. I have to go so bad but I don’t know how to make it work. I did forget how to pee!”
And as you panic, your bunkie finally says something like “What the fuck, dude? Did you forget how to piss?” and all of your fears come true.
I used to have this problem, but I somehow got over it by imagining to piss in the face of the queen of England. Something about unloading in her face while she’s sitting there all prissy like makes me laugh which relaxes my muscles enough to piss.
So thankful the internet still says infinitely more hilarious and baffling things on a daily basis than AI could ever manage.
Why do you think this couldn’t have been written by AI?
But what do you do now that there’s no queen?
Obviously the answer is to imagine Margaret Thatcher
Jesus, they want to relax not to crack the porcelain.
Or…Musk, trump, clammy sam Altman and Wario amadim, Stephen Miller, Pete hegseth, 5/7 supreme Court justices, the Palantir creep, Jenson, jensons fucking jacket, that lying fucking cunt at the white House that always wears a stupid little fucking cross, all the other lying fucking cunts at the white House… Howard fucking lutnik, bibi, Putin,
…this is a fun list! Who else did I miss?
Jk Rowling, Andrew taint, the Kardashians, the Logan brothers and Mr Beast…
Who else?
Peter Thiel, Larry Ellison, the Indian dude constantly setting off my Microsoft Authenticator
Clive Palmer and Rupert Murdoch
Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers.
Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!
What is opposite of this image/gif? That’s how I feel rn
Are you Irish, by any chance?
Nope I’m Dutch .
Also y’all think I’m joking but I’m dead serious
No one would ever joke about being Dutch.
So why not think about the king of the Netherlands/Belgium?
I tried this, but got a boner instead
This is what I stay on Lemmy for
I don’t think this will help me, but thanks for the laugh
The Queen and peeing reminds me of this
Absolute cinema
You think someone will follow a youtube link in the context of peeing on the queen’s face?
Who wouldn’t?
This is how I’m going to potty train my children. I’m sure it will work out fine.
Keep em’ away from posh elderly ladies otherwise there’s gonna be lawsuits out the wazzoo.
Thank you very much for sharing
In the end she’ll be sitting there all pissy.
One of those comments that comes like a slap in the face with a hand full of cold water, in the morning
I could write a lengthy essay about how the design of modern western public bathrooms reflects our social hypocrisies, inconsistencies, and social ills. In fact I have been gathering thoughts for a while now with plans to do so.
And I too opt for a stall whenever possible, I’m a cis-presenting man but I still don’t feel safe enough at a urinal for the pee to flow. But this stuff is often invisible to those it doesn’t affect adversely.
!subscribe
Sounds like an interesting read that i would want to read. Also, having some paper to dry up is also really nice.
Here’s some advice I received years ago for this very situation: if you’re struggling to piss due to stage fright, imagine pissing on the head of someone you hate. Really imagine it. Imagine micturating all over their hair (or their scalp), the aghast expression, then them spluttering while trying to mouth ‘What the fuck?’ it does work. I don’t know why it works - and I most definitely don’t want to know - but it does work.
You’re all most welcome :)
Now I’m erect and peeing is even harder?
Is this kink specifically about pissing on people you hate, or is it just generally pissing on people that brings mr peepee to attention?
This reminds me of one night where a group of friends went out drinking. Just before we were going to leave the pub to go to one further down the road one friend said he needed to take a piss. It triggered something in a bunch of us as most of us realised we needed to go.
The toilets were really busy; that situation where you’re pissing in what is basically a trough with your elbows touching the elbows of other guys next to you. Immediately on trying to go it just wasn’t happening. I stood awkwardly for about a minute, zipped up, washed my hands and went outside.
Everyone gathered round and we started walking. We were walking in silence for about a minute when one guy said “Did anyone else manage to actually pee?” To which loads of us burst out laughing. Turns out we all did the same thing, even though we needed to pee, we all failed to do so.
That’s a real group of bros
More like a group of betas!
No one is more beta than the guy calling others a beta.
Created an account just for this comment huh?
Probably evading a ban
Which of the male influencers you follow taught you this?
Douchebag.
If you have to insult other people to make yourself feel big, I have no respect whatsoever for you.
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Pissing with shy bladder protip: Do some multiplication tables in your head. What’s 7x6? 8x6? 4x12?
Takes up enough concentration that it easily starts to flow. Made this trick up years back and it has never failed me.
I just stand there and go pee.
Pissing with shy bladder protip
I just stand there and go pee.
That’s a pissing without shy bladder protip, that is.
Pro tip: If you have a shy bladder, you can just go into a stall to pee.
The walk of shame to the stall after standing silently surrounded by confident urinators for 3 minutes
Just announce that you were mistaken and you also have to shit, that should dispel any awkwardness.
Honestly no one cares
If only anxiety listened to reason
Agreed.
However, you can spend your whole life listening to anxiety - that road leads to madness!
Nope just give the ol’: “welp!” And stride on over.
Like other people give a piss.
Old guy from the comic presses his ear to the door “Hey! I don’t hear shittin! This guys just pissin in there!”
Now I need an extra panel with him sliding under the stall like a mechanic under a car.
Doesn’t work for me, must be different room.
In high school I was sometimes late because I had to find empty restroom, which sometimes meant switching between different buildings (4 of them).I had a buddy who got a Doctor’s note that let him pee and poop in the nurse’s office.
Damn, that sucks. You ever pee outdoors? Is that better
Women/girls also frequently suffer from a shy bladder even though stalls are the norm.
It’s almost like humans have a biological expectation of privacy when peeing that modern American construction fails to meet.
Ever travel abroad? Japan has nice bidets but often times there are NO WALLS between the urinals!!!
Man in the 70s and 80s, especially at things like concerts and sporting events, they would just give men a long trough that continuously sprayed a little water. You could walk all the way around it and pee from any direction. Even as a kid I thought that was an uncomfortable number of dicks all pointed at the same thing.
Gallons of piss flow through the stadium
About 50/50 in the EU I guess, no walls between urinals are fairly normal, is it that uncommon in the US?
It’s nearly unheard of, with the exception of the trough urinals at large sporting events.
That might be a more regional thing. I rarely see dividers between urinals.
Buc-ee’s has entered the chat.
Potty like a rock star
T-t-t-totally dude!
I already do that. Urinals dont’t have tp for pp.
You mean you don’t vigorously shake piss droplets all over the place?
I sit down when I pee. There nothin that crazy bout me.
In the urinal? Like, facing forwards?
Like planking face down
sidesaddle, like a prim and proper lady, all shipshape and bristol fashion
You’re sitting down but You’re not making brown?
This guy gets it
Then you pee all over your pants and shoes and have to tell everyone the sink sprayed you.
The comic for the women’s bathroom is two girls in stalls waiting for the other one to leave so she can shit.
That’s Neil Kohney! Can recognize them testicular chins anywhere.
that guy looks like the dad from cloudy with a chance of meatballs lol
I don’t get fishing metaphors!
Thought the same thing.
I’ve got this trick. Basically, I start relaxing the muscles on the way to the restroom. Not enough that there’s any chance I’ll piss myself before I get there. Just enough that by the time I’m in front of the urinal, it’s not difficult to start the stream quickly.
There was this one time I felt kindof bad about. went to the restroom where I worked (back before I was working remotely) and used “the trick” as usual. I get there, and there’s a guy at one of the urinals already. I peed, flushed, washed my hands, and left the restroom before he produced a drop.
Of course, in all likelihood, “the trick” won’t continue to work so well as my beard grows grayer, and some day I’ll be the other guy.
Honestly, leaving ultra quickly is the kindest thing you can do if he’s struggling.
No thinking of waterfalls?
Cute comments and all, but is there a psychological explanation?
Just getting anxious can halt those processes and the need to go I presume as part of fight flight response
This is why I immediately fight any man who stands next to me at a urinal. Only one of us can pee, my man, and today ain’t your day. I need this!
Your body is clenching around the piss pipes, and to pee you must relax. This is difficult if you’re not relaxed! Like failing to get to sleep, worrying about it just makes it worse.
it even has a name; search “shy bladder”
I don’t have shy bladder, my urethra just looks like one of those crazy straws with all the loop-da-loops, just takes a while make it to the exit
