Avoid talking to them!
They might make sense, and we haven’t finished indoctrinating you!
They call me godless when they use Comic Sans top to bottom.
Hey you sure seem grumpy. Are you atheist?
It’s the font for the hip and cool youth don’t you know 😎
witnessing techniques
I’m not even gonna ask.
Christians ending up in Valhalla thinking twice about how they witnessed. 😂
witness in(terrogatin)g techniques
Something like “I see God and have to tell you about it”.
No no, you need to use the advanced ones on Mr Grouch, or he’ll trick you into realising the load of crap we’ve been feeding you.
But yeah it’s weird to see witnessing used to mean basically the same as “evangelizing”, I associate witnessing to crime…
It’s their word for “proselytizing”
I love tricking people into neglecting god’s word.
Holy shit. I can’t believe I recognize this art.
This shit is ancient, and it was drawn as satire/bait. Nobody is handing out these flyers seriously. This post is rather embarrassing. Satire is dead I guess.
Edit: sources:
Source for text: scroll for text. I don’t know where the goat went. This website is a high-effort satire page that hasn’t been updated since like 2010. Looks real at first glance but just click around, it’s clearly not a real church.
So I followed your link, found the quoted text, and and had a look around the website. I genuinely cannot tell if this is satire. Most of the links are now dead, but the ones that work seem to lead to serious sources. If it is satire, it is very high effort.
Anyway, I’m going to share with a friend who has more personal experience with this kind of thing and get their perspective.
It’s very well written satire. As someone who’s previously been part of evangelical house churches I can tell it’s been written by someone who was part of church life for years.
It’s so very well done I wasn’t sure myself of it was real or not. Believe it or not I’ve known many genuine Christians who could crank out earnest content that was this cheesy and insane.
The clincher for me if that it neither asks for money nor gives an address. => Satire
(On the kids ministry page, the music track listings are particular genius)
So quick update: my friend who was homeschooled in a religious household but is now atheist thinks it is not satire. My take is that if this is satire, it’s going over a lot of people’s heads.
i cant believe some people think this is satire i mean come on its a real ministry with a clear message of love and salvation through jesus christ its not some kind of joke or parody its a genuine attempt to spread the word of god and bring people to christ
i mean look at the content like habus corner where it says wouldnt you rather have just one god who loves you a bunch than a bunch of gods that dont love you at all thats just so profound and insightful
and the maze training where you help lambuel get to the church on time while avoiding temptations thats just so practical and wise i mean who wouldnt want to avoid money and ice cream and slutty lips and a cozy bed
i mean what kind of person would create a fake ministry just to mock good christians and make fun of their faith
And for all He’s done for us, all Jesus wants is for us to love Him back! He wants us to love Him soooo much that any other love would be like hate: "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple." I love Jesus more than ANYTHING… how 'bout YOU?
Cmon really? How is it not evident that this is satire?
Ps: it wasn’t very clear, but just adding to previous fellow’s points.
I think there is worse in churches with actual believers.
There is.
Well, there’s this…
…but honestly, I could see somebody sufficiently naive not recognizing that for what it is.
This one, however, is a bit less covert:
And then you recall reading this in the intro on the first page, and a pattern starts to develop:
My OBJECTIVE is JUST 4 KIDZ! The “Z” is for “ZEALOUSNESS,” 'cause Jesus wants us to be hot for Him, not lukewarm.
There is an image to a shop page:
This link is broken. Hmm… If this were a real organization that needed money, wouldn’t they either shut this site down entirely or fix their shop page?
Notice the LOL acronym. Now visit this page:
Here are some of my favorites (notice most of these children are pretty talented and drawing with computer programs in 2010):
Edit: I should have grabbed the image with “shotacat” lmao
I don’t know where the goat went.
It tries to serve you
.swf(Shockwave Flash) versions unless your browser doesn’t support embedding, in which case it’ll serve you.gifs instead. I guess that, since modern browsers do support embedding in general but not Flash, that’s why they don’t display either version.Here are some of the
.gifalternatives:
The only one I don’t get is the Hebrew kangaroo. I guess the artist couldn’t figure out what fauna was appropriate so they went for a rhyme instead? IMO, there’s lots to choose from, but a “rabbi rabbit” would have also been pretty clever.
Edit: as a work of satire, I guess all four are equally and deliberately screwed up, now that I think about it.
Satire is dead I guess.
Yes. We’re at this point now. It’s Poe’s law.
After clicking through the site, and seeing a list of church members, I’m really not sure it’s satire. If it is, it’s keeping a very very straight face.
It is.
Man this brings me back, haven’t seen this since the 2000s. You can find the goat as a printable figure on the Kidz crafts link
Yeah I remember this from back in the day. Indignant atheist teenage me was pretty incensed at first, but the page about plans to build a massive cross-shaped satellite that transmits bible verses was a bit of a giveaway.
Why are they always so sad, or why are they so sad when there are evangelical christians around? Because I think it’s the latter.
Yes but can we trust you Mr friend_of_satan?
Never forget, Satan was fired for doing his job.
Avoid talking to them
Yes please
I have become a megatheist. I buy into all the gods.
Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Even the bible says there are plenty of side bitches. God just doesn’t want you to have any.
That doesn’t even say you cant worship other gods, just that this god comes first?
Literally.
New gospel: All Gods are real and the reason they no longer meddle in the affairs of mortals is because they are too busy fighting their wars in heaven.
That sounds metal AF
New gospel: All Gods are real
That’s the old gospel. Even at the time of the apostles polylatry (like idolatry, but different). All the gods are real but this god is your god. Hence all the proscriptions against idolatry and other gods.
And they fought in spirit and by archons. When David slew Goliath (or his chroniclers stole valor from Ethanan), that was a contest between gods, even as modern interpretations of the fight coach it in materialist terms.
The rising denial of gods via monotheism occurred after Caesar became Christian since prior Caesars got into the habit of persecuting those who didn’t worship Caesar’s god, or eventually Caesar, himself.
Sorry, I never read The Lord of the Rings so I don’t understand any of this lore.
The Silmarillion: still makes more sense than the Bible.
I just finished reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman so this theory seems good to me!
Ha! Love the idea of joining a church and then comparing their god to all the other ones. “Who do you think would win in a fight?” And watch the feathers fly
“But can god beat Goku?”
I mean Saitama literally does beat God. Only to forget or something
Goku has plot power level ups up his ass
If we are going by canon.
Jaweh controls the universe surrounding the Dragonball Universe.
But what if Goku shows up with an iron chariot? (Judges 1:19)
YHVH is biblically the god of earth, and that is a promotion from god of Israel.
Only in the last few centuries has our understanding of the scope of the universe expanded to make that infinitesimally insignificant in the scope of the universe, even if the earth is still critical to us.
Sadly, the dominionists may drive us to extinction.
Alltheist
Omnitheist
You cannot attempt to battle an atheist unless you’re a level 10 Christian with at least a max level crucifix.
That will only work if the atheist doesn’t have any patients proficiencies, which comes with almost every athiest subclass. This gives the athiest advantage on charisma, intelligence, and wisdom saving throws from a character with the Christian class against the atheist. This is of course negated completely if the christian comes into the battle with the lawyered-up buff, but I didn’t splurge on the LegalEagle’s Book of Many Laws. So I’m not sure how that mechanic works.
ADVANCED WITNESS ME!
What’s that gif from?
Might be from the new Space Jam
I suspected it might be but Mad Max references seem a bit heavy for space jam
It is a Mad Max reference, but I think it’s a reference to a Space Jam scene making a Max Max reference.
Grumpy and bitter? You are the fucktards constantly trying to spoil all the fun!
What doppelgänger said.
This is a bit more insidious than it appears- because it’s asking kids to rat out atheists to religious officials.
There are absolutely areas in the US where being discovered as an atheist will ruin your life.
It’s so fucking culty to prevent kids from getting information that goes against the religious leader’s beliefs as well.
“Don’t talk to the atheist! They might give you bad ideas that will send you to HELL” Literally preventing the spread of information that goes against their beliefs.
It’s called indoctrination. This is ironic as Christian Nationalists are in the vanguard against Transvestite Story Hour and panic over all the gay/transexual/satanic grooming that’s going on.
I’ll never accept any religion as long as atheist hate remains. How can you blame someone for not believing something with zero substantial evidence?
You can always say you believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, tho.
Turns out, the Bible is wrong. The truth will not set you free. The truth makes you into a grumpy goat.
But what of tithing?? Who shall
griftreceive these woebegone atheists’ untaxed revenues?
Oh shit. Atheist fursona.
I was WAY more grumpy as a believer. Whoever wrote this probably pisses off all the atheists around them because they don’t know how to treat them.
Right? I basically gained 1.5 days per week that had been previously ripped from me.
As a former catholic, I still can’t wrap my head around a whole day of worship followed by an all-evening “bible study” later in the week. I distinctly recall priests getting to the point, singing a few songs, reading some stuff, knocking out a few weekly rituals, feeding the entire congregation, all in under 45 minutes1. I can’t fathom what another 18+ hours of weekly religiosity would even contain.
- Hey padre, can we speed this up? There’s a game on right now and that parking lot is a nightmare.
Yeah it was awful.
We were always taught that people with that attitude were “lukewarm Christians,” and that god would “spew you out of his mouth” (yes, that’s literally in the Bible).
Also, whether or not Catholics were even “Christian” by our definition, would get you different answers depending who you asked. Many viewed the concept of praying to a saint, or the virgin Mary, to be directly in conflict with the idea of monotheism (but the Trinity is different, because…?)
While ignorance is bliss, and I’m sure it feels nice to believe in something more, I’m glad to be free of that madness.
Fr. I was so grumpy when I thought I believed in God because I’d gaslit myself into thinking I deserved to go to hell for not being able to force myself to believe “enough”. Super healthy mindset for an 8 year old right? Right??
